2 posts in 2 days, WTF!?!?!?!

Yeah, that's right. Of course, I have nothing to say really. I almost thought of something this morning but then I didn't. How do I know I almost thought of something? Because I remember thinking "hey, that's something" but now I only remember thinking I had something, not the something.

Wouldn't that be an awesome power to pick and choose what you wanted to remember? For example do I want to remember?:

• My phone number from my first house I lived in until I was 12? No.
  
• My son's social security number? Yes.
• My blood type? Yes.
  
• The license plate my mom had on her 82 Corolla in 1987? No.

Unfortunately none of these are the case. Not to mention that I have a somewhat poor memory as it is. I recall distinctly as a child watching cartoons on Saturday morning, changing channels (to one of the other two) and forgetting what I was watching almost immediately and having to channel surf like mad to not miss the show I was previously on.

Alzheimer's at 7? Eeeeeh, its a possibility.


There, a whole post with no start no end and barely a middle. I'm back b!tches!!!!!!

One year later

Most likely no one from the "good ole days" is still reading this. Its my fauly of course. I've been "cured" so to speak. No issues in quite some time. In fact, I had a Dr. appointment last week and turns out, I'm not dead...yet. However, that's not the reason for this post.

Today is the one year anniversary of the rest of my life. One year and one day ago I woke up and told my wife of 13 years that I was leaving. A lot has changed (and a lot hasn't) since then. We've begun the official proceedings of our divorce (mediation). Some things are going better than others. Some things are going much worse than I had hoped. But whenever you're dealing with humans you're bound to be surprised.

All in all I can say that I've never been happier. I'm still with the same woman I last wrote about. We've had a lot of trials and tribulations. Most we've resolved, some we've decided weren't worth arguing about and have decided to just not argue about.

Anyway, I thought I'd check in and see if any of the peeps were still around. I check the blogs listed here from time to time to see how ya'll are doing. I hope those of you with similar (or not) problems have been able to find the same kind of peace and happiness that I have in the past year.

A horse by any other color

I meant to post this a while back but haven't gotten around to it.  Once day I was having a discussion about whether a zebra was a black horse with white stripes or a white horse with black stripes.  To most people there is no distinction.   Its just a striped horse.

This brought about the existential question (you knew there had to be one), "am I a sane person feeling sick or a sick person feeling sane?"  I've had some really good months since I left the house.  I actually got bitten by two fire ants recently and, surprisingly, I didn't die.  Of either the bites or panic.  It wasn't the best few hours of my life, waiting for impending doom, but I got over it.

Things have been going well otherwise.  Job is good, relationships are good, kid is good, its all good.  Hope all of you are doing the same.

P.S.  According to Wikipedia, zebras are black with white stripes.  Who knew?

So there I was

Where to start...  Lots has happened since I wrote last.  OK, somehow that last sentence doesn't seem grammatically correct.  Lots have happened?  A lot has happened since I written last?  I've written.  Lemme start over.



A lots has happened since I've wrotten last.  Where to begin...



The Doctor Visit:



So there I was...  Actually it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  I started stressing about it on Friday (the appointment was on Tuesday) but then quickly let it drop.  When I got there I was nervous but manageable.  When he started to take my BP of course I freaked out.  He says, "lets just sit here for a minute.  So I did.  When he took it again he said, "That's what I thought...".  So, of course, I say "um...what does that mean? What was it?".  To which he responds, "The first time I took it you looked like you'd seen a ghost."  To which I responded, "I did and the ghost is that thing you put on my arm".  He didn't find it funny.



My Butt Aneurysm:



This is a short one.  I'm on my way somewhere in my car and suddenly I realize that my butt (actually my butt-back connector, you might call it a "hip") was starting to go numb.  Not numb so much but almost like it was tingling.  I started to freak a little bit.  Then it started to feel more like a vibration.  It was my cell phone...



The Migraine:



This one's a little more serious.  My "friend" is a rather fit 33 year old woman.  She works out daily with a trainer and could outrun me with one leg tied behind her back.  But, after one of her workouts she made a comment that one of her ears was clogged up and she chocked it up to her "blood pressure being high from the workout".  This is of course junk science but, god bless her, she's trying.  How ever, the mere mention of the words blood pressure is enough to get me a little panicky.  Then she sends me an IM about 5 minutes later saying that she's seeing spots.  Like a large red pulsating blob in the middle of her vision in both eyes.



I'm starting to freak a bit more and, frankly, so is she.  Then it gets bad.  She starts to lose the ability to type and comprehend words.  Words like "may" and "work".  She forgets her ex-husbands name and where he works.  I start thinking about getting her to the ER but she tells me that this has happened once before and it was ruled a migraine after a trip to the ER and a complete workup by a neurologist.  At some point her fingers and toes begin to go numb and she starts slurring her words.



This is scary.  She insisted that this was a migraine and, it seems, all the 'literature' (spelled G-O-O-G-L-E) seemed to agree.  Then as quick as it came, it was gone.  Within an hour everything was back to normal except she was having a little trouble getting words out quickly.  Today, no effects whatsoever.  I made her get an appointment with her doctor and he decided to send her to a neurologist.  This, of course, has her somewhat upset with me because she doesn't want to go through all of this again.



Two things about this story stuck out to me.  The first is how ignorant people can be of their own health.  I've known for a long time that "healthy" people underestimate their risk for disease.  I also know that the definition of a healthy person is one who hasn't had a thorough medical workup.  What really got me was her lack of fear and panic about her situation.  The other thing that got me was my fear and panic about the situation.



I wasn't afraid for her, I was just afraid.  It was the same feelings and emotions I have when I'm having a "crisis" but it wasn't me and it wasn't about me.  It had me using my same old tricks.  Telling myself that I could just as easily get hit by a bus as get sick.  Meditating.  Do things to distract myself.  Using all the little tricks the therapist taught me.



But this wasn't about me.  It was about her.



I don't know what this means.  Maybe I was scared for her and it was just how I dealt with it.  Make it about me.  To some extent I think I scared her into going to the doctor and, frankly, that's unfair.  She wasn't scared until I scared her.  I'm afraid of putting her through the same things I put my wife through.  To a large extent I'm "better".  But "better" is not cured.  There is always the chance for a melt-down and I'm afraid to have that happen.



The Crash:



I wrecked my bike.  Again.  This time I don't even have a cool story.  I was alone in a parking lot on a perfectly sunny day with no cars or obstructions.  And I fell.  I am a dork.  Road rash sucks.  The wound itself doesn't suck but it makes your life suck.  Showers, clothes, sleeping, standing up, sitting down, everything hurts.  I'm healing well but it still hurts.





So there you have it.  The last few weeks of my life.  I'll check back in soon.  Thanks for the comments recently.  I really appreciate them.

I'm out

As a recent commenter noted, it's been a while since I've written anything. Saying "recent commenter" makes it seem like I get so many of them I have to catalog chronologically. In reality I get a few heart felt posts from a few hard-core readers on a regular basis. And for that, I'm very grateful (and humbled).



Honestly I just haven't had anything to say. There's work, and life, and more work, and it seems like blogging has taken a back seat to my daily routine. Even now as I type I can't really think of anything to say other than things are "going".



I could bore you with the minutia of divorce proceedings or the daily diagnosis but it doesn't make for good reading (or writing). All this is to say that maybe I'll take a sabbatical. Just a short one. I have a doctor's appointment next week that I'll be sure to update you on (6-month checkup, no biggie). But otherwise I might be off line for a few weeks.



I hope you understand. Once things settle down I'll try to get back with the craziness.

The mathmatics of hypochondria

My hypochondria has increased by approximately 100% in 2Q07. Last quarter I had approximately 0 episodes of being a spaz. This quarter I've had exactly 2 episodes. OK. Mathematically that's more than 100%. Its actually infinitely more. However, I can't find that key on my keyboard. You know, the one for the symbol that looks like an 8 tripped and fell down.



The second one occurred the other day. I got in my car after work and noticed something on my thumb nail that looked like a brownish stain. Like any normal human I immediately stuck my thumb in my mouth to clean it off (assuming it was chocolate). It tasted like blood. I thought "hmm, that's weird". I then began checking frantically for blood. Looking in the mirror I noticed that the gum (gums?) over one of my teeth was bleeding. Uh oh. I immediately go into differential diagnosis mode. For those of you unfamiliar with this process allow me to outline it:



Bleeding gums - spontaneous bleeding - immediate death



Now the "how I die" was irrelevant. Obviously since I had spontaneously bled I was having some sort of bleeding disorder caused by either cancer, high blood pressure, or the aspirin I took that morning (the baby aspirin I've taken for 4 years).



I freaked out for quite some time. It eventually stopped bleeding but I didn't stop thinking about it. Then it occurred to me. if it stopped bleeding its not a bleeding disorder. On closer inspection I can see where I had obviously used my thumb (remember the blood?) to pick something out of my teeth and caused it to bleed.



Of course, this means I have gingivitis. I'm sure if I looked this up it would lead straight to cancer.

Body damage

As you may have read before, I take a martial arts class. Its not a particularly nasty one but it has its occasional knocks and bumps. Usually I do OK with these. A bruise here, a finger in the eye there, etc. I've had occasion in the past to have an 'injury' that scared the bejesus out of me. Bejesus, by the way has always made me giggle a little. I don't know why. Its a funny word. But, I digress.



During a test (not mine) last night I attempted to kick a guy. He's a nice guy. Didn't deserve it. But, alas, in martial arts, that's what you do during tests. you beat up on kind undeserving people. He, however, decided he would also kick me at the same time (what did I do to him!?!?!!). This resulted in a collision of shins. Shortly thereafter I had what could only be described as a small dog under my skin on the surface of my shin. It swole (that's a word) to about the size of a mouse. The kind of mouse you use on your computer. Go ahead and set your mouse on your shin. Now, imagine that was under your skin.



Needless to say, I started to freak out. At certain points I went back and forth between the following:

• Ruptured artery
• Compartment Syndrome
• Broken shin bone (I'm sure there's a medical word for that)
• Blood clot traveling to my (insert body part here)

I started icing it right away and the swelling went down. It doesn't really hurt, per se, but I 'notice' that its there regularly. I keep having all these funny feelings in my leg like its going numb (which it isn't) to it tightening (which it doesn't). This has resulted in a couple panic stricken moments but, all in all, I'm dealing.



As I look at it now its fairly flat except that its dented. Yes dented. I have actually dented my body. I wonder if Maaco can fix that?

Saunas and Showers and Vitamins Oh My!

I've been taking this vitamin B called Niaspan now for about a year. You might recall I started taking this after my doctor got all nerdy on me with this cholesterol test. Apparently the stellar (my new favorite word) numbers I'd been putting up on my cholesterol test weren't good enough. It didn't matter that my total cholesterol was measured in decimals and my LDLs were now so low it was measured in molar units. You might also recall that this has some "interesting" side-effects. Namely wailing, the gnashing of teeth, and locust. But, I digress...



So last night I take my wonder drug, drink a glass of water and lay down. It feels like this pill (which is the size of a large frog) is stuck in my "stomach tube" about 3/4 of the way down. I assume at some point it will just go on. When I wake up in the morning I feel that its still there. This freaks me out on many levels. The primary one being that maybe I have stomach cancer and its a blockage. The second, what if this pill ate through my esophagus during the evening and I die of sepsis by lunch? Since I'm writing this, that didn't happen. I'll let you know about the cancer later.



After much ado about (supposedly) nothing I make my way to the gym and decide to sit in the sauna. The sauna has always freaked me out because of those warning signs about "Heart Conditions, Pregnancy, and High Blood Pressure" they always hang on the wall. Odds are I'm not pregnant but still...its frightening!



All of this leads to one shining moment in hypochondria. As I get in the sauna I start thinking that what if the pill just now went down and I have the hot flash. The hot flash causes my blood pressure to drop (as does the sauna) and I pass out in the sauna and die of heat stroke.



Ta daaaaa!!!!!! What can I say, it a gift.

But, I digress

Nothing much to discuss therefore, no posts. I'm afraid of becoming one of those rambling bloggers that, in order to have "new content" consistently posts random thoughts. Hmm, maybe its too late.

I came, I competed, I crashed

This weekend was 'interesting' to say the least. I had a weekend of bike races which I've been looking forward to for quite some time. I have new wheels and gears and whatnot and this was the first time I'd used them in an actual race. There were three events. Friday was a sprint, Saturday a "criterium" (which is like NASCAR on bikes), and Sunday a road race (think Tour de France). Here's how my weekend ended up.

• Friday. I spent 2 hours warming up for a 51 second ride in which I came in last place.
• Saturday. I ended up lining up at the back of the pack (my fault and a rookie mistake) and got dropped before the race even started. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to catch back up. I rode so hard I think my teeth were sweating. I finally gave up half way through to save up for the race on Sunday.
• Sunday. I'm in a category for novice racers because, frankly, I'm a novice racer. However, there are apparently different categories of novice. I'm a decent rider. I hold my line, don't slam on my brakes without warning, and am generally courteous (in the confines of a race, that is). Turns out, the others weren't. I ended up wrecking 10 miles into the race. Not permanent damage and nothing broken. My bike suffered the brunt of the assault and those new wheels and whatnot? Not so good.

Throw on top of that an interesting little sort of panic attack that came out of nowhere, riding 10 miles by yourself on a busted up bike with blood streaming down various parts of your body, and you've got a great weekend.



My 'happy pills' just went generic and this is the first batch. Maybe that had something to do with it. I just didn't feel...right...all weekend. Who knows. I wouldn't call it a setback but then again, I wasn't "my best self".

Alanis would be proud

I just had to post this here because I got such a chuckle. On my way in to the office this morning a 'gentleman' in an SUV was honking at an older guy in the car in front of him while he was trying to decide to go straight or right at a green light. The SUV the speeds around him on the right in a lane meant for parking cars, the dives back left and cuts the guy off only to be caught at the next light.



The best part is that there was a bumper sticker on his window that said:

God bless everyone.

No exceptions.

Oh, the irony...

Some of my best friends...

I usually leave political commentary to the...political commentators. But I can't pass this one up. I realize that I'm running the risk of being 'labeled' by even saying anything so I will attempt to choose my words wisely. Hopefully, I won't be suspended and fired for saying what I think.

Of course, I'm talking about Don Imus. Let me first say that I've never actually heard Don Imus talk. My only impression of him is from that Howard Stern movie where he was a complete ass. Apparently that was an accurate impression, but that's neither here nor there.

Don Imus called the Rutgers women "nappy-headed ho's". I have no idea of the context. I'm assuming it wasn't something like "Those nappy-headed ho's should be placed in chains and forced to work in cotton fields." Most likely it was in the context of "those nappy-headed ho's could shoot free-throws if their ass was on fire and the bucket of water was in the hoop."

I myself have said the following things about various professional and amateur athletes of all races and genders:

"You suck"
"I hate you"
"You bastards"
"You're a moron"

And at least 19 expletives, derogatory, and sometimes sexual remarks about their mothers, fathers, sisters, wives, and dogs.

Do I actually want to perform these acts? No. Do I really think they're morons or illegitimate children? No. OK, so we've decided that my intent wasn't to perform lewd acts on the relatives of the players.

So lets assume for a moment that Imus' intent was not to make racially disparaging remarks about black women in general and the Rutgers players in particular. Lets assume that he was doing his job, being a shock jock. Was what he said inconsiderate? Yes. Was it over the top? No. Was it out of character for his show? No. Was it out of character for any other show like his (hosted by a black or white person)? No.

OK, so, I've postulated that his intent wasn't to denigrate all blacks, and that his comments, while inconsiderate, were not beyond out of the norm for him or others in his genre of radio. So what's my point?

My point is that what he said was stupid, sure. He apologized. He's been on every national show and issue more Mea Culpas than a whore in church (pardon the phrase). Let it go. Move on.

The problem here is the media, which in my mind includes the Today shows, Al Sharpton, BET, talk radio, et. al. have whipped this into a national frenzy and created news where there was none. Its a case of casting the first stone. A cursory Google search for 'racist remarks' returns a brazillion (that's a number) of hits many of which include some of our favorite 'civil rights leaders':

"If the Jews want to get it on," he said, "tell them to pin their yarmulkes back and come over to my house." - Al Sharpton

'Hymies.' 'Hymietown.' -- Jesse Jackson's description of New York City while on the 1984 presidential campaign trail.

White folks were in caves while we were building empires.... We taught philosophy astrology, and mathematics before Socrates and those Greek homos.

So, there, I said it. Don Imus should not be fired. He should be embarrassed and humiliated (which he's said he is) and he should be reprimanded and sent home to think about what he did (and he has). And that should be that.

Saber-rattling aside this is a man being made an example. Maybe one needs to be made. But in either case that is all this is, a man being made an example by parties who feel then need to make an example of someone and have yet to find a candidate that will stick.

Don Imus is an old man at the twilight of his career. He's the weak one in the herd. He will suffer the same fate as Jimmy the Greek and Rush Limbaugh (in sports, that is). He will pay dearly for saying something, although stupid, in public that a certain, however small, portion of the public were offended by.

Sad thing is, that's what America's all about. Saying things people don't like. I'm all for it if the individuals themselves boycott the show and its advertisers. Kudos, then, to the American system of free will and capitalism. But what we're seeing is first rate Socialism. The idea that the few know what's best for the many and, if you don't believe them, just ask.

Whew. I said it. I will try not to do that again. For those of you who came here for the hypochondria stuff, my back was hurting last night and I spent 10 minutes ruling out an Aortic Aneurysm and Angina. So, enjoy!

Dave v1.1 Beta (Codename Psycho)

I seem to be a new person. Here is a list of things that, heretofore, freaked me out:

• Blood Pressure
• The doctor's office
• Airplanes
• Ants
• Being Alone
• Dying of a heart attack while:
• the shower
• the toilet
• my medication
• Scary movies with creepy kids

Lately, with the exception of the last one which, I have to say, should be made illegal, I've been flaunting the rest of the rules with abandon. I haven't checked my blood pressure since I left the house. I worry about being bitten by ants but only when I see them. I like being alone and I rarely freak out thinking I'll pass out from the hot water in the shower (the sauna and jacuzzi still get me).



Traveling has been fun. And, amazingly, I've been pushing the boundaries of not taking my meds on what seems like a regular basis. This is truly something new.



I will say that last night while I was picking up a prescription at the drug store that I had a little freak out moment when I almost sat down at one of those BP machines. I had to walk to the other side of the store and read the porn...er...men's magazines until my prescription was ready...



That is why I titled this post Dave v1.1 Beta instead of v2.0... I'm not a full release better just a more advanced version. Maybe I'll have bugs...or features, if you will, that I'll have to work through. Who knows. Either way, its a step in the right direction.

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Eh....

I haven't written anything in a while. Not certain why. I had an interesting conversation yesterday that had me doing some thinking. I was asked what I thought of marriage vows now. Here's my response:

"as a promise. one that might implicitly be broken forcing the other to 'explicitly' break it...i don't believe its some magical words that should never be undone no matter what. its not a magical incantation"

It seems like a cop-out when I read it again. Its like saying it was her fault I left. Its the 'devil made me do it' defense. I'm not a fan of that. That comment lead to this comment (I'm in blue):

I'm just wrestling with how easily people divorce these days...you know?

that's a misconception

it's like, why get married if there is even the option to divorce?

marriage is incredibly easy. buy a $10 license and find a JOP

divorce (at least here) takes at least a year, lawyers, crying, disappointment, arguments, disdain from friends and loved ones, and metric shit tons of guilt that will most likely last longer than the marriage has

Maybe for some people its easy to divorce. You see it all the time in the news. Somebody has a baby, gets married, then splits up 6 months later because...who knows why. I think for the common person divorce is extremely difficult and not a decision taken lightly. The only thing 'easy' about divorce, at least for me, is knowing that I made a choice to be happy.



Currently it seems like a zero-sum game, though. My happiness equals someone else's unhappiness.

I like to think that at some point that will change and we'll both be happy. I also like to think I'm 6'2" with blond hair and blue eyes...



Sorry for the incoherence of this post. Too much wine and not enough sleep will do that to you.

I suck

I haven't had much to say lately. Actually, that's a good thing in a way. Its almost like I'm just not worried about anything any more. I have no idea if this is related to my leaving the house or not. Technically "correlation does not equal causation" but, then again "if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck..."

I'm not certain what that last one means. I've always thought geese looked like ducks and they...well, you get the point. Anywho... Things are good for me right now. I'm having fun. I hesitate to say that because it sounds so immature to be concerned with "fun". My wife and her friends think I'm going through some sort of mid-life crisis because I like to "hang out with my friends and ride my bike". Maybe so. However, I still hold down a full-time job and take care of my son so its a pretty responsible regression if you ask me.

OK. So it turns out I had something to say... So sue me. Better do it quick though before "she" gets it all...

Check one two

I'm trying out a new publisher. Its an addon to Firefox called Performancing. We'll see if it works. I'll put up a real post in a bit.

I'm on vacation, bitches!

OK, I was not refering to the female readership in the post title. I prefer the non-pejorative term "ho" in that respect. Anyway.

I'm in sunny Florida. I say sunny because it is. I do not, however, say warm or calm. Its 67 degrees and windy as a session of Congress. It is however, Florida. Its gorgeous. I took a nice 2 hour bike ride yesterday that included everything from sunny "oh my god its hot" to rainy and "I think I saw a flying monkey" windy. All the while, I was content. Its funny. I'm riding in 30mph winds, rain so hard that I can barely see, and on 1 inch wide tires going 25mph and I'm completely content. Yet, if I stub my toe I start to panic thinking it might have dislodged a blood clot (I wish I could make this stuff up).

Anywho. I've gotten some great comments over the last few days and I just wanted to achkowledge them and say "warm and fuzzy" it makes me feel to know random strangers with whom I've never met seem to care more about me than my supposed loved ones. You guys rock!

P.S. Lacy, I hope you're doing better. May the power of Tylenol with Codeine be with you!

I offend an entire religion and a people

Commenter Angela says:

It felt like everything was in control at the time I made the choices so why does it feel so out of control now?

Preach it sister. I think its human nature to question major life decisions. Its like buyer's remorse. How many times have you bought that new super sweet 17" Apple MacBook Pro with the 2.33GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, 4G of RAM, 160G hard drive...uh where was I?

Oh yeah. How many times have you made a large purchase or decision and been impossibly excited about the whole situation only, some hours later, to feel like you just made the decision to not pay for your Grandma's operation? I'm big into buyers remorse. I get so much guilt after buying things, anything, that I should be Jewish. (That in know way was meant to be derogatory. Some of my best friends...you know the rest).

Anyway, after leaving the wife I had the same sort of problem. But I got over it. I'm still racked with guilt on occasion. I still see the hurt in my wife's eyes. See how she does everything she can to hurt me in repayment. See how my son knows something isn't right but doesn't have the words to express it or the comprehension to know it will all get better.

Life is a series of boring moments punctuated by life-altering earth-shattering moments. I guess that was the point of that previous post. We never know what our choices mean in the long run. We never know how things will really turn out.

Its a blessing and a curse. Imagine if we did know just how bad it was going to be. Nothing would ever get done. And, most likely, no one would ever be happy.

A sappy moment

I just have to say, my son is the coolest person on the planet. Except maybe George Clooney. But, I doubt seriously he does nearly as good a rendition of "Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" as my son... Of course, I might be bias.

Ummm

Nothing all that impressive happened today. At some point I had a really good idea for a post. But at some point between my third cup of decaf (yeah, I know, what's the point) and my third glass of wine, I forgot it.

Lets just pretend that this was that great idea.

Contracts 101

Lacy brought up some good points in my post that I thought I should clarify. I think I've mentioned before that I've questioned when it was 'OK' to break a promise. The short answer is, never. The long answer is, depends on who broke their promise first, how long it was broken, and what they did to try and fix it.

I have to constantly remind myself that it takes two to mess up a marriage (unless there's a third party, then it takes...ummm....two). I left. I broke the "until death do us part" portion of the vow. But what about the stuff before that? What about love, honor, and cherish? What about in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer?

Why is so much credence given to the length of the 'contract' and not the quality. I find it a very interesting analogy that in business contracts the agreement can be terminated at any time if any of the tenets are broken. So who violated our marital contract? Was it me for leaving? Her for not cherishing? Me for not sticking around "for worse"? Her for not realizing we were actually in the "for better" portion?

This isn't an excuse, just a line of thought. I'm not saying I believe it. But then again, I left, so maybe I do.

John Cusack is my hero

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for." Lawrence Block

Things sometimes work out differently than planned. This is an obvious statement, I know. But I don't think we realize sometimes how, for lack of a better word, serendipitous life is. Life seems to be a string of interrelated yet completely discrete events that somehow bring us to where we are. Let me give you an example.

- 20 years ago I started smoking
- 10 years ago I had my first anxiety attack which landed me in the E.R. based on the idea I had some form of cancer (from smoking).
- 7 Years ago I ended up in the E.R. again. This time, because I had thought I was having a heart attack. It turns out I had pneumonia.
- 6.99 Years ago I quit smoking.
- 5 yeears ago I decided to take up jogging to undo all the damage I had done smoking
- 3 years ago I gave up running for cycling.
- 2 years ago I go serious and started spending lots of time cycling. Apparently this was the straw that broke the camel's back in my relationship.
- 1 year ago my wife and I started "discussing" on a regular basis how I was neglecting her and my son to bike. Of course I disagree but that's off topic.
- 3 months ago I left my wife.
- Today I'm sitting on the back porch of my "friend's" house typing this.

So. Can I say that had I never smoked I'd have never met my 'friend'? I'd never have taken up cycling? Like I said. These are all discrete events. Thousands of which happen every day. I've never been a subscriber to pre-destination. I firmly believe in free will and the right to choose the ending to our own mysteries.

But somehow, I can't stop thinking that my whole life has been a series of choices that have led me to this point. If that's the case. How special of a moment is this that I'm right here, right now, at this very moment, typing on this keyboard?

I know. Its sappy. But in some way, I've always tried to live my life with the idea that every decision I make in some way changes my 'destiny'.

For all I know we're just an atom waiting to be smashed in some alien particle accelerator and our whole existence is meaningless. I like to think that's not the case. I like to think this is all going somewhere. Where, I have no clue. Maybe that will be the greatest serendipity of them all.


P.S. The title of this post is only slightly obscure but extremely random...

Divorce is a bitch

How does a person you've known half your life turn into an evil monster? Let me tell you how. You ask them for a divorce. I really don't have anything else to say but that. I might think of something after I go take out some aggressions on unwitting bystanders.

I wonder if Google Maps has directions to the nearest bell tower?

OK, this one really doesn't count

But that last one totally does because I thought it was funny. So I'm now one ahead. Woo Hooo!!!

This one doesn't count

Unless I'm one short for the week and then it does... I swear, every time I finish a post I hear the Doogie Houser theme song and picture that damn computer he always typed on. I always wondered what he did with those entries. He never saved them. He never went back. There was no formatting, no fonts, nothing. Seems like a pretty unorganized way for a child genius to keep memoirs.

You'd think he'd have a traper keeper or something...

I'm early

Figured I'd get in my post before I left for the day. I've joined a local gym so I can get Fergilicious. Or Davilicious. I don't know. I'm thinking I'd much prefer to look like Fergie than myself. Whoa. I think I just came out...

So this week I'm having to do evaluations for my employees. It sucks. I actually find it easier to tell people what they're doing wrong and how to fix it than I do to tell them what they're doing well and how to do it better. Maybe that's just male nature. We focus on the things that are broken and try to fix them. And if it ain't broke, hit it with a hammer until it is because it was going to fail on its own anyway. I think that's how the saying goes.

Anyway. Evaluations. My peeps are great. They do what I ask, when I ask, and put out great stuff. Can't ask for a better crew. So how do I improve it? And, since they're so great, how can I really go and comment on the, maybe, one negative thing about each of them. Is it really fair to give someone a 2 when everything else they do is a 4 (on a 1 to 5 scale)?

It also has me thinking that we should be reviewed in 'real life' from time to time. Those of us who are religious are expecting the 'big review in the sky' but that's not exactly what I'm thinking of. Nothing can humble a person more than to find out they're not so great at the things they think they are. And nothing can make a person's day more than finding out they're appreciated for something they were certain was being overlooked.

I could stand to do more of that in my relationships. I probably could have done that more in my marriage. I damn sure could have used a kind word now and again from "the Ex".

Its not midnight yet

I made it. I thought about just posting like one word. But I couldn't think of that word. It would be something random...like me.

"Rosebud"...too pretentious.
"Phlebitus"...too...phlegmy.
"Rice Krispies"...two words but mmmmm, so good.
"Disappointment"...to close to home.

No, instead, I'll just say that today, like any other day, was a decent day. Not memorable for much. In fact, it will most likely go down in the annals (ew) of my history as "one of those Mondays I don't remember". Which, is sad because its Wednesday.

7 posts in 7 days

Yeah, I said it. I said it. I stole your momma's credit... Well, actually, I stole her identity when she was shopping at the TJ Maxx for some of those knock-off UGG boots she saw on an episode of "Newlyweds" but didn't realize that that was from like 2003 and those were so far outa style they were almost back in...whew.

So, as I was saying. 7 posts in 7 days. I've been told I should post more. I'm sure I should but mostly I can't think of anything interesting. Here's something. My civil separation is turning into a nightmare. I'm not surprised at all by what my soon-to-be-ex has been doing. Its always been in her nature to be spiteful and somewhat self-centered. of course, I'm somewhat self-centered (but never spiteful)...(ok, almost never spiteful).

I expected that, as adults, we could be intelligent about the situation. I was also wrong. At least, I was wrong about her. I don't think she's doing these things out of conscious spite, but more out of lashing out in any way she can. It seems she thinks she can either hurt me or bring me back by making me miss my son and by being broke.

Its sad, really, because it shows the complete lack of understanding of what makes me tick that ultimately drove us apart. If she really knew me, she'd know that I only worked to make sure we never wanted for anything and to accomplish career goals. None of which were to make more money.

I obviously share some burden here. I left. I left quickly. This was all apparently a shock to her and she's still reeling from it. Maybe she'll realize how she's treating me and my son some day. Maybe she never will. Many of my friends have told me that I should play the same games. That I could take my son and just not return him one day. That I could empty a bank account and not pay her alimony to 'show her' what it was really like to be alone.

I'm not that guy. I can't be that guy. Every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror and think "damn, you are fine!". And then, once I flex both my biceps and kiss them, a la Randy Savage, I have to look into my own eyes and decide if I'm a positive or negative force in the world. I want to be positive.

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.

H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) 'Prejudices: Fourth Series,' 1924

The Amazing Dave

My "friend" and I seem to have a hard time understanding each other sometimes. Nothing major. Most of it I think is based on what we believe the other person is thinking or feeling, not what's actually being said.
For most of my marriage I spent all my time trying to stay out of trouble. I tried to bend over backwards to keep the peace so that I wouldn't have to catch any crap. This was based more on what I 'knew' she was thinking than what she said outwardly.

Eventually, this got tiresome. I no longer have the ability to deal with that sort of thing. I've found myself, on occasion, getting very frustrated with this 'friend' because it seems like I'm always having to defend my emotions. She's constantly asking if I'm OK, or if something's wrong, or if she's offended me in some way. In and of itself, that's not a bad thing. I think she's genuinely concerned about my well-being. That's nice.

But at some point I think we all want to be understood. To have someone just 'know' how you're feeling without having to ask. Its obvious that we've only been together a very short time so we'd have no way of reading each other's mind. In fact, I spent the last 15 years reading a mind and, today, I understand it less than I did when we started.

This time around I'm trying to be direct. I'm trying to make my feelings obvious. I'm tired of waiting for someone to read my mind. Even worse, I'm tired of someone reading my mind and being wrong.

Speaking of mind reading, I know you're all thinking "where the hell is this going". Unfortunately, the answer is "nowhere".

P.S. If you write to me and send a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you back the 2 minutes of your life it took to read the above post.

Empa...Impa...I know what you're feeling.

I've had a somewhat interesting development today. I have this 'friend' (and no, its not me) who seems to have a litany of problems when she exercises. Her heart rate goes way up or sometimes she gets a headache. Today she felt light-headed and like "her blood sugar was low" and at some point had a nose-bleed.

I am freaking out.

I say this is 'interesting' because usually I'm OK with other people being sick. I feel bad for them but I'm not overly concerned. Her, though, I started 'diagnosing' and doing symptom-searches on Google. All the things I thought I had kicked for myself. I finally talked her into going to see her doctor.

Part of me was a little upset that she took her obviously impending doom so lightly. Why can't I be like that? Do I even want to be like that? I don't think so. Maybe it was just general concern for her well-being. We are 'friends' after all. We'll see how I do if it comes back that she 'has something'.

My new career

I had something to post but I forgot what it was... Must be my Alzheimer's flaring up. In between my 'bouts' of cancer, my 'episodes' of aneurysms, and my 'run ins' with strokes, its hard to find time for such a long-term disease like Alzheimer's. I mean, its so slowly progressive that I almost forget that I 'have it'.

I need to write some sort of tracking program for Hypochondriacs. SickMaster? Hyp-o-matic? DiseaseTracker 2.0? That way we could document our various ailments, set reminders to make sure we check our pulse to see if we're alive, collect bookmarks for the best medical sites, create photo albums of the 'spots' we swear are cancer but are really just chocolate, etc.

I think I know a website I could market it on...

Nothing to see here

I looked. Its all good. Crisis averted. As you were.

Hooooot

One of my co-workers just walked by my desk and said "Why is your neck so red?". I'm not itching like crazy and fighting the urge to go look in the mirror...if only I could see the back of my neck. Man, owls are so lucky. They don't have to ask anyone to check that mole on their back or tell them if their butt looks big...

I've had a cold lately, nothing life-threatening but, when you're a hypochondriac, everything is really life-threatening. I was staying with a friend last night and decided that in order to sleep I should take some drugs.

My friend, having two children, had quite an array of medicines. There were many different kinds of non-drowsy this, and cold&flu that and all manners of flavored drugs. The problem is that almost all of them had some sort of warning about 'consulting a doctor before use' if you had any one of a number of maladies. A short list being:

- Hypertension
- Heart Disease
- Glaucoma
- Malabsorbtion
- Halitosis
- A case of the willies
- "The Vapors"

Somehow in my mind these meant "If you take this drug you may or may not die. Good Luck!". I'm sure that wasn't what the writer intended but, that's what I got. After about 20 minutes of staring at them I got so tired I decided I could fall asleep and didn't need to take anything. I slept well all night...go figure.

Well duuuuuuh huuuuuuh!

A. Nonymous (I assume that's not your real name) left this comment:

I just found a good article on hypochondria (well there are several articles on
this page, scroll down): http://www.anxietyandstress.com/healthanxiety.html Made me think and I wanted to share...

I've read this article a few times over the years. I'm not a fan of it. No Offense to A. (Al Nonymous? Arthur Nonymous? Ooo, maybe you're Latino; Arturo Nonymous?) but I think the author of this document has some misconecptions.

patients seen by primary-care physicians suffer from hypochondria, the
irrational fear of illness.

Irrational? Really? Studies have shown that hypochondriacs actually underestimate their risk of disease. We just do so to a lesser extent than the 'normal' population. Then, there's this gem:

Doctors often dislike their hypochondriac patients; they consume inordinate
amounts of time, and strain hospital resources with their interminable
complaints. In the United States, it is estimated, twenty billion dollars a year
is spent on patients whose psychological distress requires repeated tests and
procedures. Many doctors and nurses make fun of hypochondriacs, calling them
"crocks" and "turkeys." The favored epithet among interns and residents is
gomer, which stands for Get Out of My Emergency Room. Many doctors are relieved when a hypochondriac leaves them for another physician.

Anyone of us have dealt with this sort of reception in the doctor's office. I won't go into how it makes us feel or what we think about doing to them with a 12 volt battery, some jumper cables, K-Y Jelly, and that stethascope...ahem...but it hurts.

There are, however, some decent points to this article. There's this one:

It wasn't until the nineteenth century that hypochondria came to be
narrowly defined as an excessive fear of illness. Not coincidentally, the
disorder flowered at the same time that modern medicine began identifying one
rare disease after another. In his novel ''In Search of Lost Time,'' Proust
wrote, ''For each illness that doctors cure with medicine, they provoke ten in
healthy people by inoculating them with the virus that is a thousand times more
powerful than any microbe: the idea that one is ill.''

I've never been a Proust fan, I don't even have any of his singles, but this is profound. Many, if not most, of my 'episodes' have either preceded or....after-ceded....a regularly scheduled doctor's visit. The fear that I might be sick makes me sick...go medical science!

The article does go on to talk about cognitive-behavioral therapy and, especially interesting, the link between OCD and hypochondria. Just the definition of hypochondria should lead one to make the connection between an obsessive-compulsive disorder and a obsessive worry over one's health. But what do I know....I'm just a gomer.

Ooops, bam! Surprise!

I've taken martial arts for quite some time now. Nothing spectacular. We don't flip around or where funny costumes. We do stand around in circles and attack the guy in the middle one-by-one like ninjas in movies, but that's a different story.

Over the course of my 'career' I've had occasion to be hurt. Hurt is a relative word. It ranges from "Hey, you're on my hair!" to "Is my foot is supposed to point backwards?" I've had the former type of injury many times, only had the latter once. OK, it was my toe that pointed the wrong way but it still hurt...

The other night a guy was testing and he threw me and as a defense I attempted to break his knee with my eye. This is a move which has a high degree of difficulty. You might think it's easy to hit someone's knee with your eye but, actually, it is not. The knee is quite low and the eye is quite a small target.

Suffice it to say, this hurt. I actually heard some squishing. I like to believe that it was his kneecap but I believe it was my eye. I have a nice shiner as a trophy and, most likely, macular degeneration when I'm 60.

This brings me to the point of the story. Once I got hurt, I started getting anxious. Immediately I started wondering if I had broken something. Once I was past that I started wondering if I had burst a sinus and was already well on my way to dying of septic shock. Or, maybe, a slow-growing aneurysm had been jarred just enough to start slowly leaking.

Regardless of what I thought it was, it freaked me out a bit. All night long I was worried. This goes along with my theory that when I feel that a dent has been made in my 'armor' it causes a flood of fears that I've been holding back. Any time I get a cold or the flu, a headache, or any sort of random pain, I start to think about my health and what might be wrong with me in the future.

Normally, when we walk around, we are oblivious to the millions of things that could go wrong. It's times that I'm reminded of my mortality. Not mortality in the existential sense, but in the "being sick sucks, dying sucks more" sense.

Ah haaaaaaaa!

My mother is a hypochondriac. This is a new revelation to me. Maybe it shouldn't be. She's never had the classic 'symptoms' of one but, as it seems, its been there all along. Today we were sitting outside on the back deck talking and I got cold. I made a comment that after losing so much weight, I'm always cold.

For the next 10 minutes she tells me this story of how she went to see this doctor in a town 45 minutes away who did some sort of 'saliva test' and told her her adrenal glands were 'burnt out' and that she needed to take all these different kinds of vitamins and savs (I guess someone told her to put the balm on).

Its also interesting, though, that this doctor told her that when she was born that if her mother was under a lot of stress that she might have anxiety issues, too. This is exactly what my psychiatrist told me... I'm doomed. Generations of anxious people begatting other generations of anxious people.

Wonderful.

You think you know someone...

I've learned a lot the last few days about how we see each other. Mostly, about how we misperceive each other based on what we "know" and what we think we know. This can be as simple as a friend that turns into something much more, a spouse that turns into something much less, or a friend that sees you in a much different way than you thought they did.

The funny thing about human nature is that just when we think we've pegged each other, we change. Its like the Heisenberg uncertainty principle (except without all the math). The uncertainty principle basically states that you can't accurately test both the position and momentum (or speed, etc.) of a body without affecting one of them. In other words, the more know, the less you know...

Once you truly think you know a person, and you apply that knowledge, the person forever changes in a way that invalidates what you knew. At least, your perception of them does. The fact is, you never really knew them, just how they reacted to you in the situations you'd always been in.

I thought I knew my wife. It turns out I didn't. At least, I don't. Maybe I changed her, maybe she was never who I thought she was. Whatever the case, she's a stranger now. That hurts a bit. Obviously I brought about the change in 'state' by leaving, but she's chosen her direction.

From this point on, its uncharted territory. I have to make lots of choices and go through trials I never thought I'd had to. All based on the wants and needs of a person I no longer know. Scary.

Tag I'm it...OMG, I'm IT, I'm IT!!!!!!!

Lacy has thrown down the gauntlet. I have sprayed it with Lysol and picked it up...with forceps.

3 essentials I'd find in your purse/bag or desk

1. My Treo
2. My Mac
3. My debit card

3 people who make you laugh

1. My 'friend'
2. My room mate
3. Myself

3 fears you have

1. Fire Ants
2. Flying
3. Fire ants on a Muth$%#$# Plane!

3 goals in the coming year

1. Lose weight
2. Win a bike race
3. Not freak out

3 things that move you to tears

1. Hurting someone
2. "Titanic" (yeah, I said it. And I'll fight anyone who laughs!)
3. Onions

3 foods you love

1. Clif Bars
2. Sushi
3. General Tso's Tofu...Damn that's'a one'a spicy tofu...

3 places you've been that were beautiful

1. Maui, Hawaii
2. Linville Gorge, NC
3. Any no-name road in the middle of nowhere 5 hours into a bike ride.

3 experiences that changed you forever

1. The birth of my son (yeah, easy answer)
2. My marriage
3. My separation

3 regrets you have

1. Not going to college
2. Not starting bike riding 'til I was old
3. Having regrets at all

3 things you have to have daily

1. Email
2. Instant Messenger
3. A problem that needs fixing

3 other blogs you read

1. Beauty for Ashes
2. The perfect Hypochondriac
3. Cult of Mac

On a happier note

Thanks to everyone who commented on "My Top 10 (or bottom 10)". I had a blast going back through and re-reading (and in some cases, re-living) the last year. I appreciate all the cross-linking and commenting you do (and, to those who lurk) the commenting you don't do. I know I'm slack in posting lately, I'll try to do better...

State of the onion

Not much to report. On the marital front, the only thing to report is that there appears to be a small custody battle brewing. I say small because, in my eyes, we are only disagreeing about one visit per week and one overnight stay. Everything else is in total agreement. Basically I want to be able to see him one extra night, even though I'd have him home for bed. And I'd like to keep him Sunday night so I can take him to school on Monday.

This is apparently out of the question. She has decided that she's the "primary caregiver" and that somehow I was an absentee father so it would be disruptive to his schedule for him to be "shuffled around" so much. I don't know... I think that's a weak argument. I've told her I won't accept that schedule and asked that she please be considerate of everyone.

She made a comment that both caught me off guard and seemed to sum up our whole relationship. She said that the "root of our problem was that she was unhappy when I wasn't around". Taken in context this means that I was never around so she was always unhappy which is what led to my being unhappy (if you follow that bit of circular logic). Taken in another context, she thinks the root of our problems is my perception of her unhappiness with me. Or, said another way, that I was unhappy she wanted me at home.

I was both surprised and 'comforted' by this. I was surprised because I thought I had laid out my case so clearly over the last few months of the myriad reasons I was unhappy and wanted out. Apparently it has boiled down to "I want to party with my friends and you won't let me". Its comforting because every time I see this kind of unwillingness to understand I'm reminded of why I left and that it was a good decision.

The problem here is that she will tell her lawyer who will tell a judge that I'm an absentee father. This, being the 'grand ole south' is dubious, to say the least, of giving joint custody. At best they grant 50% visitation. I've toyed with the idea of 'reminding' her that I have just as much right to my son, our house, and our 'stuff' as she does but that I've chosen, for their sake, to essentially live in poverty. I could just as easily file for full custody as she could.

Now I'm bitching... The reality is, I don't think it will get ugly but its not working out as I'd hoped. Maybe I gave her too much credit, maybe I gave myself too much credit. We are what we are and, at the core of things, we're two people who couldn't get along in marriage. Why did I expect to start now?

My Top 10 (or bottom 10)

It never fails that a band, being ultimately way more in to themselves than their fans are, notice that they haven't had any decent material in years, they release a greatest hits. Yes, Pearl Jam, I'm talking about you. I mean, the new stuff is good but you haven't had a solid album (that didn't make my conservative ears bleed from all the political crap) in 6 years. But, I digress.

Here's my greatest (and worst) blog entries. I hope you find joy in my neurosis...I know I have.

10. Dammit Katie Kouric (sic)
9. This must be the first sign of the apocalypse
8. Sniffles = Aneurysm
7. MSN Oddities
6. Making Up
5. How to deal with a hypochondriac
4. I am not made for the mountains
3. Aleve me Alone
2. Dr. Google, MD.
1. Fire Ants on a Mutha#%$&# Bike!!!


Whew...that was hard. Apparently I'm a much larger fan of my writing than most... It was odd to go through 2 years of posts and see how much (and how little) things have changed. It looks like I'll have to have a greatest hits volume II, B-sides.

Carpe Diem

Let me see if I can recap 2006:

Freaked out. Got a shrink. Began sitting in dark rooms "just being". Went to the Dr. Tried to kick the BP drug habit. Freaked out. Went back on the stuff. Went to the Dr. Took my BP a lot. Freaked out. Went to the Dr. Somehow got better. Got officially old. Freaked out. Got bitten by Ants. Went to the ER. Went to the Dr. Freaked out. Itched. Itched some more. Left my wife of 12 years. Became content.

There it is. 2006. Forever known as a pivotal year in my life. Much more happened (and is happening) than covered here. Even though I believe in honesty, even I can't be that honest all the time. I hope your year is as earthshattering as mine. Hopefully not for the same reasons.

I've always found it a shame that I've had almost 12000 days on this earth and I only remember a small handful. We spend our lives moving from one day we don't want to remember to another. Along the way we do things and meet people that carve out little slices of memories in our head but, by and large, our days are forgotten. Those days turn into years and those years turn in to complete lives.

The title of this post was also my quote under my senior picture in high school. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. In 1992 I had no diems to show for myself. In 2006 I carpe'd the hell out of the diem. I hope you can do the same.

Guilt: Part Deux

My son is asleep in the other room. This makes me both happy and a little anxious. At first, I was just happy to see him and get to spend time on my terms without having to worry about getting him "home". But as the evening has worn on, I've started thinking about how he's got two homes now. Tonight is the first night of his being a child of two single parents.

Up to this point, I've been very practical about the whole thing. My mom was a single mother and I turned out 'fine'. Fine being a relative term here. But I do worry. My apartment is small, he doesnt' have his own room, I live in a second floor apartment, I have a room mate, etc. All of these are things that are different from his 'other home'. I only expect this situation temporarily. I suspect I'll find a house to rent or buy next year once I've figured out how everything works.

I think, as in my last post, I'm feeling guilty for uprooting him from his home. Maybe more on all this later. Right now I don't seem to want to blog.

Guilt

I am racked with guilt. There's no other way to say it. The last conversation I had with my wife has taken a real toll on me and I'm struggling to deal with it. From my point of view, I'm all she's ever known. She's never had to be strong, never had to make tough decisions, never had to feel alone, never had to feel responsible for her well-being.

A couple months ago, these were character flaws. Now they causes for the extreme guilt I'm feeling. I think this might have been the root of my little 'episode' on Wednesday, and for being on the verge of an attack most of today. I keep seeing the look on her face. Seeing her try to come to grips with being alone "forever", which I'm sure is what it feels like. I've been reading a lot today on grieving and guilt in divorce and, in many ways, its helped, but its also hurt. Its hurt knowing that she's probably hurting even worse than I imagine she is.

She IM'd one of my friends today, one she never really talked to, to just basically ask for a prayer. I want to just make this better. I don't want to go back, but I want to be there for her. I just want to hug her and tell her we'll get through this. That we'll be friends again some day and that she'll find someone who loves her for her.

But that is my cross to bear. Because, I can't hug her. I can't console her. I can't talk to her in any way that might give her hope because if I do, I'll 'restart the clock' on her pain. Right now she's 1.5 weeks into me telling her to get a lawyer and that I want visitation. Even though I've been out of the house for 1.5 months, I think she was being led on by my constant presence at the house. I think she's just now really getting into the thick of it. In reality, talking to her would only make me feel better about myself.

The fact is, I caused the pain, and I have to accept that I will hurt, too. No one gets out of this alive... No one.

A peacful easy panic attack

Yesterday I finally got to see my son again. We went out and had a good guys night. Target, bowling, chicken nuggets, french fries, you know guy stuff. When I took him home, the wife was there and we started talking. I asked, again, for him to stay over night with me. All I got was a "I'll let you know". Fair enough...

I asked her if there was anything she needed to say after I wrote her the letter. Anything she disagreed with. We got into this long conversation about God and what she thinks we need to do to save the marriage. Lately this has consisted of:

Praying together
Devotionals
Christian Counseling
Letting God do whatever it is that God does in these situations

Don't get me wrong. I'm a believer. I'm not the best Christian but, then again, who is? But like I told her last night, God in our marriage has been like God in 'Days of Our Lives'. They're going around screwing, murdering, and just generally being bad people until Marlena gets possesed. Then all of a sudden John's a priest and everyone gets religion.

This has been the recurring theme. I get so fed up I want to leave, we pray. She gets fed up, I need to change. Apparently, I'm the only one that needs God in our marriage. But, I digress.

So when I got home, I went through the normal routine of getting ready for bed and then...it hit me. I was laying there and I just started panicking. Not like the 'get me our or I'll die' but I definitely got that feeling like I had last year at the Christmas party. My heart was pounding, I got hot, felt like I was short of breath, my chest tightened up, I started thinking I was having a heart attack. All of it.

I started thinking "who will I call now to save my life?". I have a room-mate but that would be wierd. Do I just call an ambulance directly? Am I wearing clean underwear? OK, I didn't think that last one but my Mom would kill me if I didn't say it.

So I laid there, eyes closed, and just breathed. Its the first time since I've been meditating that that has happened to me. The first time I've actually been able to put it to practice in a crisis. Seemed to work well enough. I'm not sure what the trigger was but I'm guessing I'm stressed out and, generally speaking, that's all it takes to get me going.

Any way, things are pretty good this morning. We'll see how the day goes. I'm hoping this isn't the beginning of an 'episode' but, if it is, I'll just take it one day at a time.

Hey der, Hi der, Ho der...

The title of this post should be read with your best mid-western accent.

Nothing much to report lately. Of course you know what that means....a really super-long rambling post filled with obscure references and fake disease names. Anywho...

I had my first episode of divorce drama. I'll spare you the gory details but suffice it to say access to my son has become an issue. I keep telling myself that I expected it. And, in some respects, I expected her not to want to see me which would make it difficult for me to see him. But I think she's trying to make me "miss them" by making it difficult to see him. This, of course, is ill conceived because I know that I have time on my side and, I think, a measure of good karma. The good karma being that I'm not pushing back. I won't use my son or do anything to hurt him as long as I am capable.

This has really tested my ability to stay unemotional when dealing with her. I'm doing what I can to keep "emotion out and intellect in" but, to say the least, its a challenge. I don't want to say or do anything that might foster (more) resentment or ill will from a court. Its a fine line. Trying to fight for what is fair (access to my son) against someone whose not fighting fair.

I really think she's just lashing out. One of those 5 stages of grief or something. If one of the stages is evil...


P.S. That last line was a joke.