Tuesday, June 06, 2006

1 day and counting

There are certain things I don't allow myself to think about.  This is in order to maintain a certain shall we say "sanity" in my life.  They are, in no certain order:

1.  Death
2.  Doctors
3.  Sickness
4.  Defecit Spending
5.  My Parents Having Sex

OK, there is a definite order to those.  I do my best to put these things out of my mind on a regular basis.  Sometimes I get a little glimmer of one and realize that at some point I'll have to face one or all (okay, 4) of them.

I'm stuck today on doctors.  Especially the desire to get a new one.  I've been with the same guy since I moved here 6 years ago so I'd hardly call it doctor shopping.  I'm just looking for some affirmation.  I know I've been harping on this.  Sorry.  I can't help it.

We'll see how things go tomorrow.  Maybe it will be awesome.  Maybe everything will be perfect.

Maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.  I'll bet he has a pill for that.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Dead man walking

Two days to go 'til Dr. "You're sick and you aren't getting better"... I thought about it today, he's never once said I was improving, progressing, even heading in the right direction.

Maybe I should just get a new doctor. Not one that will tell me I'm not sick, but at least one that will tell me I'm doing everything I can. Even that will be an improvement. I get the feeling my current doctor won't stop until I'm in a hospital on IV anti-hypertensives and statins.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Freakin myself out

I have a Dr. appointment on Wed.  Normal BP checkup.  Normal by other's standards, slightly worse than a hot poker in the eye to me.

I get really nervous.  I've covered this before.  doctors freak me out.  Mine doesn't even wear the lab coat, its just the whole environment.  The clinical settings, the attitudes of the nurses, the pseudo-life or death situations that the doctors seem to believe you're always in.

So to combat this I've started trying to visualize my next appointment.  This didn't work really well last time but I figured, what the hell.  So while I meditate I try to visualize the whole process.  From the walking in the door to the peeing in the cup to the getting the BP taken.

This isn't working out so well...  So far I can only get to "flipping through the 3-year old magazine" before I really start to freak out.  I figured I'd at least get into the waiting room (in my little mind) before I started getting worked up.

On the bright side, I was able to calm down and get melow again.  That was good.  Otherwise, I think its gonna suck.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

On my next birthday (in a scant 2 weeks) I'll be 32.  3-2.  That is spelled O-L-D.  At least, in my mind which still thinks I'm about 20.

I mean, I still feel good.  Actually, I'm in better shape than I was when I was 20.  Maybe even better than when I was 16.  But then, I was 16.  I might as well have been made of Kevlar and cast iron.  At least, that's how I remember myself.

Of course at that time, I wasn't a hypochendriac.  But I was an anxious person.  At least as it pertained to death and other such things.  I remember when the Soviet Union broke up thinking there would be a nuclear war at any moment.  I remember freaking out when I saw an airplane fly over during the first Iraq war cause I thought it would have chemical weapons on it.  I remember breaking down thinking I'd be drafted.

These are not the thoughts of a normal teenager.  I should have know something was up.  Now, 16 years later, I'm really none the wiser.  Still worried just about different things.  Maybe more important things.  I don't worry about my mortality so much as what the loss of me might do to my family.

I don't agree with some people's assertion that hypochondria is a selfish or "self-focused" problem.  That's a part of it.  But I think more of the concern is how will our friends and family deal with our early demise.  How will they go on without me?

I guess this is, in itself, selfish.