I am racked with guilt. There's no other way to say it. The last conversation I had with my wife has taken a real toll on me and I'm struggling to deal with it. From my point of view, I'm all she's ever known. She's never had to be strong, never had to make tough decisions, never had to feel alone, never had to feel responsible for her well-being.
A couple months ago, these were character flaws. Now they causes for the extreme guilt I'm feeling. I think this might have been the root of my little 'episode' on Wednesday, and for being on the verge of an attack most of today. I keep seeing the look on her face. Seeing her try to come to grips with being alone "forever", which I'm sure is what it feels like. I've been reading a lot today on grieving and guilt in divorce and, in many ways, its helped, but its also hurt. Its hurt knowing that she's probably hurting even worse than I imagine she is.
She IM'd one of my friends today, one she never really talked to, to just basically ask for a prayer. I want to just make this better. I don't want to go back, but I want to be there for her. I just want to hug her and tell her we'll get through this. That we'll be friends again some day and that she'll find someone who loves her for her.
But that is my cross to bear. Because, I can't hug her. I can't console her. I can't talk to her in any way that might give her hope because if I do, I'll 'restart the clock' on her pain. Right now she's 1.5 weeks into me telling her to get a lawyer and that I want visitation. Even though I've been out of the house for 1.5 months, I think she was being led on by my constant presence at the house. I think she's just now really getting into the thick of it. In reality, talking to her would only make me feel better about myself.
The fact is, I caused the pain, and I have to accept that I will hurt, too. No one gets out of this alive... No one.
The Blog for Hypochondriacs. After all, if it tingles, it must be cancer.
4 comments:
You didn't cause the pain, Dave. A failed relationship takes two. She's as guilty as you.
By the way, guilt is my middle name. The only reason I left it off the blog is because Leila Guilt Vine doesn't sound as good.
Your empathy for her is touching and your insight and depth for the whole situation is remarkable. Someday you will be able to hug her and someday she (and you) will find someone to love again. (Someday a long way from now, but that day will come.) Your courage in dealing with all of this is inspirational.
Now that some time has passed, do you feel less guilty?
I ask because I am in a terrible situation. I am in love with two people. I am married and love my sig.other (SO) with all my heart but never stopped loving my childhood sweetheart (CS).
For years now I have tried to talk myself out of it but I cannot change the way I feel. I have not cheated. My thoughts only exist in my head, nowhere else. I don't know what to do and I am wracked with guilt. I will destroy my SO if I leave.
How did you break the news? Is the guilt any better now that time has passed?
Ps. I will not literally "destroy" my SO if I leave, what I mean is that he will be destroyed. And I will feel absolutely inconsonably awful about that.
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