Fire Ants on a Mutha#%$&# Bike!!!

I have to tell this story. Its one of my new favorites. Well, favorite as in "I'm telling you this because even I don't believe it happened". Let me set this up by saying I've only ever been to the emergency room once in my life. Suffice it to say, I didn't enjoy it. I ended up having a doctor tell me I might have cancer. Well, I ended up forcing a doctor to say that if they rule out everything from pneumonia to SARS and Anthrax, that I might have cancer. Its a subtle difference...

Anyway. Once a week I go to a "training race" for bicyclists at a local airport. We essentially ride around a 8-mile loop exceedingly fast and then try to make ourselves puke by sprinting to the finish. This is fun. If nothing else for 2.5 hours I have a different reason to think I might die. A fiery bicycle crash.

I get there and park in the same spot I've been parking all summer. I start to get changed and I feel something bite me right abouve my ankle. I look down and its a fire ant. For those of you that don't have fire ants, just wait, you will. They're like thos African Bees that have been migrating from Mexico for 20 years. They're taking over everything they come in contact with. I expect there to be a movie any day now.

So I get bit. By one ant. This is important because fire ants generally bite in the dozens at once. I don't think anything of it and just keep getting dressed. Within about 5 minutes my ankle starts itching like crazy. I think nothing of it and get on the bike.

Within 10 minutes everything from the waist down is itching like I was battered and fried in itch powder. I think nothing of it and chalk it up to the heat (it was 100 degrees). Within about 15 minutes I'm itching all the way up to the base of my neck. Especially on the inside of my elbows which makes me look like a junkie needing a fix. Somehow, I think nothing of it.

I get 2 miles into the ride and look at my arms and they are covered in hives. I immediately think A LOT of it. I have never had hives from anything. Ever. I decide to turn around and head back to the car as I didn't want to get stuck 5 miles out covered in hives.

By the time I get back to my car I am covered in hives and scratching like there's a million dollars hidden under my skin. I decide at this point that I shouldn't risk driving home and having going into anaphylactic shock on the highway.

This is where being a hypochondriac comes in handy. Most people don't even know what shock is let alone that you can go into it. I, being a highly trained medical practitioner, recognize it immediately.

I go to the fire station and they tell me they don't have anything for fire ants. No Benedryl, no epi-pens, nothing. So they call an ambulance. They start to work me up taking my information, vitals, etc. At this point my blood pressure is 140/90. Slightly high but given the situation, I think nothing of it.

By the time the ambulance gets there I am one large hive. Remember this phrase, it will appear later.

They take my blood pressure, twice, and its 100/95, twice. This is the lowest its been since I had a blood pressure. We all decide I should go to the hospital to get checked out. Yes, you read that correctly. I was part of the decision. Actually I was asked, by skilled paramedics, if I wanted to go. Let me say that another way. They asked a hypochondriac if he wanted to go to the hospital and be seen by a doctor...

So we're in the ambulance (what did you think my answer would be, no?) and they give me an IV and put 25mg of benedryl in it. I immediately know why parents give it to children. All I wanted to do was nap. Of course, in my mind going to sleep meant I might not wake up. I don't know why, it just did.

So I get to the hospotal and they put me in "Critical Care #17". This is code for "the hall". After a few hours I saw a doctor. Dr. Ben. That is what he called himself. Nice guy. Very matter of fact. He tells me I'm fine and that they want to minitor me for a few hours. Then they pump me full of drugs. I mean full.

50mg of benedryl
150mg of Zantac (yes, that Zantac)
50mg of Prednisone
.3mg of Epinephrine

The last one was the kicker. I felt like I had been running a marathon. It got rid of the hives but man, that stuff sucked. At some point the doctor asked if he could send his medical student over to see me because I had a "good case of the hives". The then said "I don't mean good for you, I just mean a good case study". I then overhear him telling his student that I was "one big hive". I don't think this is a medical term. That would be something like "Megabumpatitis".

So now, short story long, I have to carry an epi-pen when I go outside. I'm only "slightly" afraid of anything that flies, crawls, scurries, swarms, or even looks like it might be able to bite or sting me. That includes small animals and children.

Things to note though. I did not freak out. The whole time I was calm. I have to say that was in large part due to the calm nature of the people that took care of me. I'm sure if I was bleeding from more than one orrifice they would have been more excitable. Of course, I probably would have been, too.