I've been married for 12 years. We met in 7th grade, started dating in high school, got married a year after high school. We have a nice house, one beautiful boy, two dogs, and a bunch of "stuff". And I'm considering a divorce.
That is a heavy statement. For anyone who's never had to write it, imagine writing something like "my father died" or "I have cancer". It's heavy. When you write it it hits the keyboard with a thump. It just hangs there. So much so that you have to check to make sure you wrote it.
Let me go back a bit and say that I've never been unfaithful. Not once. I've never even propositioned another woman, let alone touched one, in the 14 years I've been with my wife. And, to my knowledge, neither has she. I've never struck her, I never raise my voice and I'm never belligerent. And, on all those points, neither is she.
So why contemplate divorce? Well, because in short, I'm not happy. This is why I write this here and not some other random blog. I haven't been happy in years. I'll spare you the reasons why. Just know that they are varied and, seemingly to the outside observer, petty. But, like the protagonist in "The Cask of Amontillado" (surprised I've read?), "The thousands of injuries...I've bared as best I could..." have gotten to me.
So, back to the point. I'm not happy. But here's the real problem. I have problems with depression. I always have. So here's the question. "How do I know I'm not just depressed?" What's to say I'm not in a down turn and this is just another "what if"?
What if the cause of my depression is my marriage?
What if i leave her and I'm alone forever?
What will happen to my son?
What will happen to her? (I do still love her.)
What if this is a mid-life (or 1/3 life) crisis and I really just need to buy a Corvette?
What if I make a mistake and regret it forever?
What if I do nothing and regret it forever?
The what if engine doesn't only strike during periods of anxiety. Its always there. Maybe in this case its beneficial. This isn't something to be taken lightly.
I don't suspect I'll talk about this much. I hope that, like my other problems, I'll wake up one day and feel a little bit better. I know some of you are religious so, if you'd mention me to your favorite deity, I'd appreciate it.
Once interesting point. I actually took my blood pressure today just to take my mind off of this. It didn't work, blood pressure was great. Funny how that works. When you need anxiety, its just not there...
7 comments:
Hi Dave, I've been reading your blog the past few weeks and enjoying your posts because I can relate to some of your hypochondriachal (is that a word) comments. I've never commented before, but I do believe in a loving God and I will pray for your marriage. I don't think divorce is the answer, but I will not judge. I would recommend counseling, seeking spiritual guidance, whatever...but I would view divorce as a last resort, especially since you have a precious son. Dealing with depression (which I do)..can make you think and feel irrationally at times, and if your wife has been there for you during all these years, I wouldn't give up on the marriage quite yet. Again, I don't know all the circumstances...but I will pray for you and your family. Marriage is very difficult at times, and one quote I have always loved from Judith Viorst is ... "In the end, married love may be simply a matter of attitude. "Staying married" means being able -and most of all -willing - to fall in and out of love repeatedly with the same person". Also, another quote but I don't know who the author is, " Love is a "standing in," not a "falling for". To love someone is not just a strong feeling - it is a decision, a judgment, it is a promise. If love were "only a feeling" there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go."
Praying for you.
Thanks, I appreciate all of that.
dave -
you answered your own question.
when the reality of potentially being alone for the rest of your life sounds like a better option than staying together, you know what you need to do.
been there, done that. and my anxiety didn't start until much later...
peace.
--marcus
ps - keep up the blog. it's a rare island in the sea of trying to live with anxiety and depression. i, for one, sincerely appreciate it.
Hi Dave
My heart breaks when I read words so familiar to feelings I experience even now. Though my husband and I have only been married a little over a year, the heartaches have been immeasurable. Last night, I decided I wanted a divorce. Only to yet again come to the conclusion that what I would be giving up was worth far more than what I would be gaining, If indeed I gained anything at all.
Happiness is such a coveted treasure. We seek it, we try to create it, we yearn to bask in it's glory. Sadly, I forget the truth in that happiness is indeed an emotion fleeting like a breeze. I fear that divorce is trading one set of troubles for another and perhaps we imagine that they are "lesser" troubles?
Believe me when I say I'm still trying to convince myself of this even at this very moment. I'm not sure who your "favorite diety" is, Dave, but I know a "high priest who is not unable to sympathize with your weaknesses; tempted in every way yet without sin."
Whether it's a deep darkness of the soul, a season of apathy or discontent, a longing, a search, a struggle or a seemingly unending sorrow-believe me when I say that Jesus is the only one who has ever been faithful to me, and I don't know your particular beliefs, but indeed He will be faithful to you as well.
Knowing so intimately what you are feeling/experiencing, I can pray for you with a passion that perhaps I wouldn't otherwise have if I didn't share the same struggle. God knows your name, friend. And it is on His lips, and shall also be on mine.
Blessings, love and prayers
Lacy
That's some heavy stuff. I appreciate your honesty, it's not easy putting this stuff out there.
I don't know what the answer is. My main technique for trying to make a decision is to try and imagine I said yes, and see what that feels like. Walk around with that for a week.
Then try and imagine I said no, and then walk around with that for a week, see how that feels.
After that, I try and make a decision. If I feel the same way about my decision for a week - not changing my mind, then I am pretty sure what I need to do.
This doesn't always work. But it sometimes does.
I think it's good that you are thinking of this uninfluenced by being involved with someone else.
Here's what I would say about your nagging questions:
- Maybe the cause of your depression is your marriage. This is hard to say... I would recommend some counseling to explore this. I've been in counseling for years and the insight and support it offers is invaluable.
You both met so young that maybe you didn't have a chance to see if someone else would have made you happier?
- If you leave you will likely not be alone forever unless there is something objectionable about you, like you have terrible personal hygiene or are mean, but it doesn't sound like you are any of those things.
It's not easy meeting new people so it might seem like forever while you are searching for mrs. right, but I feel like most people who are good people and have positive qualities to offer in a relationship can find others in the same boat.
- About your son... speaking as a child of divorced parents, the most important thing for me when I was a kid, though I didn't realize this until I was an adult, is that my parents were happy. That taught me how to pursue happiness myself.
If you see him regularly and tell him how much you love him, you will get through that ok and he will be ok.
I did go through a phase where I was very angry at my dad because my mom talked bad about him - I saw her pain as "his fault." He saw this (and suffered)but did not abandon me and that made all the difference.
He still took me to movies even though I wouldn't hug him and I would sit 10 seats away.
He even opened up and talked to me, saying that he felt terrible but was doing the best he could.
It might have looked like I wasn't listening at the time but I was.
Today my dad is my best friend and I have a different perspective on his difficulties.
And now that I am going through some of the stuff he went through I am grateful for someone to understand me.
So your son might be hurt and angry but be there for him, even if he pushes you away. He'll come back. Maybe he will not react like I did but I just want to tell you that no matter what, I think kids are amazingly resilient, and can get through most things if they have hearty doses of love.
-What will happen to her... she will be devastated. And (over time) she will heal.
It will take a while - the loss of a marriage is a *loss* and you have to go through stages of grieving just like if a person died. Both of you will be grappling with this.
If you fast forward 5 years, will you wish you had made the move to leave? By then I can imagine the dust will have settled and you will both have new lives, you will be able to feel less guilty one day.
- Maybe it is a midlife crisis... counseling might help w/introspection.
- The last two questions - what if you do it and its a mistake and you regret it forever, and what if you do nothing and regret it forever...
My counselor says that all people mourn the loss of what might have been.
We unfortunately have limitations -- people mourn not being able to live somewhere else, being childless or not, life companions that might have been, careers that might have been... so it's perfectly normal to have these fears.
Most people, even those with regrets, try to forge on and form a new life where they can come to terms with their past and forgive themselves and allow themselves to be happy in their present.
I like the saying by Maya Angelou, something like "you do the best you can. And when you know better, you do better."
We are all trying to get by in life... it helps us not to feel alone and I am grateful that you opened up on your blog.... thank you for your trust and confidance. It made me feel like I was less alone.
Best of luck to you... keep us posted if you want.
-sm
Well your post lived up to its title, definitely not funny. Maybe the only post of yours that hasn’t made me laugh, but I digress.
I think what’s important here, is that your happiness has to come from within, not from external factors. If you’re not happy when you’re married, it’s unlikely you’ll be happy when you’re single; unless of course you’re married to a huge bitch, but from your post that doesn’t seem to be the case.
It’s all about perspective and what you choose to focus on. Just remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and we’re all unhappy sometimes.
Lastly, Montresor was a complete lunatic and a murder.
Touche, Leila... So maybe I won't cite murderers as reason for divorce... And to your point, I agree happiness comes from inside and, no, my wife isn't a huge bitch. But she isn't willing to grow either. At least, that's the conclusion I've come to.
The real question is, I guess, is it right to ask her to change for me? She asks me to change all the time and I'm sure I resist it. Why should I expect her to?
So then the question is can I be happy with the way things are forever?
I think the answer is no.
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