This is yet another non-hypochondria post. If I keep doing this I may have to start another blog or "re-purpose" this one. I had hoped this blog wouldn't turn into yet another way for me to be a narcissist but then, isn't that really what blogging is about? But I digress.
It is the day before Thanksgiving. I'm trying to help me and my family retain some semblance of a holiday season by not breaking my "news" until after the New Year.
Ostensibly (that's at least 3 $1 words so far) this is to prevent having any sort of negative impact on holidays to come. I'd rather not have Thanksgiving or Christmas be the "anniversary" of our separation (assuming it occurs).
The problem is, its obvious to anyone, especially my wife, that I'm depressed. Or, at least, not myself. So I find myself practically hiding out to prevent the inevitable question from occurring.
"Is everything OK?"
Over the years, due to my other issues, my wife has grown desensitized to my being in a funk. This is a good thing. For long periods throughout our marriage I would have the classic depression symptoms. Lack of appetite, lack of sex drive, desire to sleep all day, unwillingness to go places or see people, etc. (Like I said, my wife by no means the only one at fault in this marriage.)
She used to ask what was wrong all the time. I started out by answering with my most recent diagnosis. "I have Multiple Sclerosis". At which point she'd start crying. Then a week later "I have lung cancer". More crying.
At some point, she, rightly so, gave up on this. Only after weeks of being in a slump would she ask what was wrong. I learned that my answers should be measured and in vague terms as to prevent her worry and to keep from patronizing myself.
At this point, though, we can go days without even talking to one another before she seems to notice there's anything wrong. Its been days.
Now I'm worried that the question will come and wondering how I should answer. Part of me wants to lie to prevent spoiling Thanksgiving or Christmas. Part of me wants to "get it over with" for fear I'll weaken in the coming months and just live with it.
So today's rhetorical question is, "Am I really protecting her by waiting?"
Common sense says yes. It would be impossibly awkward to have to deal with holidays and relatives knowing we were splitting up and either trying to look happy or, worse, dealing with the knowing looks of our family who, 15 years ago, told us we were stupid to get married.
Why couldn't I have been born a Canadian Jew?
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4 comments:
Dave
since your question is rhetorical, I assume you really don't want answers, but I thought I'd give my .02 cents anyway...
If it were me....who was the one being left, I'd hope he would wait until after the holidays. Holidays are stressful enough as it is....family, presents, money, drama, etc. Euch. It's enough to deal with.
Do you think leaving will make you happy? Because I sense you think your source of depression is your marriage.
I'm always glad to get answers. Even to rhetorical questions. I think you're right about waiting 'till after the holidays but I just don't want to lie. In all honesty I don't know that I've ever lied to my wife.
Sounds stupid but its true. There may have been lies of ommision (such as not telling her I was going to the bar) but never a lie to a question. Again, sounds petty to say it but, why start now?
I really admire that integrity. It's a rare commodity in this world, it seems. Not wanting to lie, that is.
I understand what you are saying. If I was the one doing the "leaving" instead of being the "left" (sorry, stupid, I know) then I'd want to do it asap. I mean, once my mind was made up.
Have a heart, Dave. Don't do it.
And it's not a lie unless she specifically asks if you're thinking of a divorce.
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