Looking in a mirror

Seeing someone else go through the same problems you do is hard.  The obvious reason is that if you care about someone, you don't want them to suffer like you do/did.  But there's more to it than that.

I think seeing how difficult it is for others to overcome problems shines a light on just how tenuous your grasp is on 'sanity', whatever that is.

It causes you (me) to constantly re-evaluate my control of the situation.  "Am I really getting better?", "What if I really am sick and I'm just lying to myself".  This is very unfortunate for a person such as myself who already struggles on a daily basis with 'normality', but the added stress of watching someone else go through it just reinforces the idea that I may never get 'better'.  That I may only be able to exist.

Of course recently, I've started realizing that maybe that's really all there is to live.  To just exist.  To just be.  To allow things to happen and realize that you cannot control them and that's OK.  Telling an obsessive person like myself to just 'be' is like telling a fish not to swim.

My obsessions are really all I've ever known and giving them up doesn't come easy.

The future

An interesting article on Wired.com. It deals with DNA testing but it seems very related to the topic here; knowledge of the future.

More specifically, do I really want to know what will 'get me'. The author brings up some excellent points about what you would do (or HAVE to do) with the knowledge that you have a real likelyhood of a disease:

"But if you get bad news, you'll still have to cope with untidy ethical and political issues. Should you tell your blood relatives? After all, it's their DNA, too. The next time you apply for health insurance, you'll have to decide whether to disclose your genetic mark of Cain and risk getting turned down. (You could lie, but then - whoops! - you also can't tell your doctor, who could inform your insurer.) And if you're getting married, how much do you tell your betrothed?"

All excellent questions. Not to mention the big one. Do I really want to know how and (possibly) when I'll go? Would I be able to do anything about it other than obsess over my own personal countdown timer. "T-minus 12 years and counting..."

This is where it becomes relevant. The preoccupation I have with 'knowing' about my health. And the idea that I might actually be able to do something with that knowledge. As the article also says, even if you do know, what's likely to be the recommendation? Eat better, excersize more, take a couple pills.

I do that already...now what?

5 stages of hypochondria

I know there are 5 stages of grief. I don't know what they are. Somthing about anger and auctioning or bargaining or something. I figure there are at least 5 stages of hypochondria.

1. Something's not right.
2. Holy shit, I'm gonna die!
3. My doctor doesn't believe I'm gonna die!
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3.

OK, so maybe there are only 4 steps. I think at some point, there is a fifth step. Resignation. You just resign yourself to the fact that you're sick. Not "really" sick, but a non-descriminate kind of sick. Like you have mono or something.

I read an article about this book called "Because Cowards Get Cancer, Too". I'm not going to read it, of course. But the article struck a chord. That being that even hypochondriacs eventually get sick and die. Although, its not a topic that I really dwell on any more. I tend now to focus on the immediate. What is my blood pressure RIGHT NOW? What is that pain RIGHT NOW?

This is a new development for me. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It means that the 'episodes' are much more barable becuase they don't last long but they're much more intense and difficult to control...

Man this post went from funny to depressing in 2 sentences...sorry.

Father forgive me

It's been 5 days since my last post.  I didn't realize that when I was doing the last one.  I guess not much has happened.  Still doing the meditation thing.  That's going well.  It's getting easier to concentrate while I'm doing it.

I'm such a scatter brain that its surprising to think I can actualy focus on something for an extended period.  I mean, I'm usually thinking about something else while I read a book or a magazine.  To the point where I'll read an entire paragraph and not remember a thing.

I can understand zoning out watching TV but reading?  That's a special kind of space-case.

So far so mediocre

1. Blood Pressure? Haven't checked it
2. Heart rate? Haven't worried about it
3. Cancer? No.
4. Aneurism? No.
5. Bruises? Retreating.
6. Knee Caps? We have a winner!

Knee caps have always been way down on my list of things to worry about. I mean, I don't think they serve a purpose other than protection whilst vommiting into the toilet or scrubbing the kitchen floor.

But, they hurt. From bike riding of course. I don't think (or do I...) that I have Osgood-Schlatter's Disease or knee cancer. Although its given me something to stress over. Like:

"What if I can't ride any more"
"What if I need surgery"

Etc. So, on the scale of 1 to "Oh my god I could die any day!!!!!" this is a 2. Right behind "my pinky hurts" and in front of "I have too much hair on my ankle".

Bruised and Battered

I've noticed lately that I've been bruising more easily.  Now let me just stop here for a moment and diverge.  The phrase "I've noticed lately" is hypochondriac code for "I've been freaking out recently".

It means that I've decided that something I never paid attention to is now of some great concern.  This is how things work in my mind.  Things that I notice such as a mole or a large outcropping of hair on my pinky go unnoticed for months maybe years until "all of a sudden" I notice them and start believing they're a new sign of some disease.  For example, the following is a list of things I've "noticed":

- I can see my veins pulsing in my neck
- I can see my veins pulsing in my arms
- I can see my veins pulsing anywhere I focus on for more than 15 seconds.
- If I sit really really still I kind of rock back and forth with my heartbeat
- I can hear my eyes move (Yes, you read that right.  I could write a book on this one)
- I have a brown spot on my foot
- When I walk up stairs I can hear my heartbeat

And finally

- I bruise easy

Things brings us to recent events.  Just so you know.  I take a martial arts class.  And I get beat upon about the face, chest, neck, head, ankle, and really any place you can imagine.  I have come home with mat burns and scratches on parts of my body I didn't even know were accesible. Yet, lately, I've started worrying that maybe I'm bruising too much.  Like I've got some sort of liver disease or some drug I'm taking is making me bleed easier.

Of course I have no proof of this.  I've never paid attention to bruises.  I'm a guy.  I'm supposed to be bruised.  But, as usual, when one 'affliction' runs its course, I have to find a new one.

Slow news day

I can't think of anything crazy to say.  I saw something on the today show about vitamins today.  They were somewhere in between "you'll die instantly if you have too much Vitamin K-12.3" and "you'll die instantly if you don't have enough K-12.3".  

I'm still waiting to hear the news story where 100% of all people who breath oxygen die and that the FDA is going to regulate air as a controlled substance.  I mean, a 100% death rate!  How can the government let this happen!?!?!?!?!

Painting = Anxiety

We decided to paint our kitched this weekend. Seems like an innocous enough task and should be stress-free.  For some reason it wasn't.  I could shake the general sort of feeling that something was wrong.  Even though I had just finished a 30 mile bike ride and felt fine during that.  The whole time I'm soing something simple like climbinb a ladder I'm thinking to myself 

"what if I'm straining too hard and my blood pressure is going up?"
"what if I get dizzy and fall of the ladder?"
"what if Duke doesn't beat GW and I'm out my $5 for the company NCAA bracket?"

OK, that last one might be normal.  Anyway.  As I told the therapist, I'm worried about being...worried.  It seems like I've become more anxiety prone lately.  But not necessarily more about my health so much as about being more anxious.

I think this is how agoraphobics start.  Maybe before long I'll get super detective or medical skills like Monk or House.

P.S. What's with people's last names being nouns on the USA network?

Why hath thou forsaken me?

I was thinking on the walk into work this morning.  I've heard a few people question why God would "do this to them".  Why would a supposedly loving and kind god allow people like me to suffer through a mental problem even though I attempt to be a "good boy"?

A little background on me.  I'm a Christian (if not a church goer).  I firmly believe in God and that he created the universe and all those other Judeo-Christian "things" that we're taught in Sunday school.

That is sort of where I leave off.  I'm not into pre-destination.  I very much believe that God provides free will.  So, in my mind, in order to provide free will, you have to allow things to happen on their own.

In other words he theoretically could just turn the sky green and in pink coulds put "HEY! Worship me!".  But, where is the fun in that?  More specifically, where is the free will in that?

So back to my deep thought.  I don't think God is a micromanager.  I think in order to give us free will he has to stay...hands off (there's a French word for it but I can't spell).

Anyway, that's realy my whole point.  I wasn't going anywhere with it.  Just wanted to write it down.

Beware the Blood Pressure machine of Death

I told the therapist this morning about my incident at the grocery store a few weeks ago. She didn't seem all that surprised about it. She told me I should drop by the grocery store a few times this week and walk up to the machine and maybe touch it or tap it and then leave.

I can't imagine what the check out girl would think if she saw me do that...

Soma...is what they call it

I couldn't think of a good title for this one so I lifted a Strokes song title.  Anyway.  I googled "somatoform" today.

I know hypochondriasis is a somatoform disorder but I didn't really know what that meant.

I found this:

Somatoform disorders encompass several mental health disorders in which people report physical symptoms or concerns that suggest but are not explained by a physical disorder or report a perceived defect in appearance. These symptoms or concerns cause significant distress or interfere with daily functioning.

The most commonly diagnosed somatoform disorders are somatization disorder, conversion disorder, hypochondriasis, body dysmorphic disorder, and pain disorder.

Of which Hypochondriasis is:

...a disorder in which a person is preoccupied with the fear of having a serious disease.

That's putting it succinctly.  Most somatoform disorders seem to have reale pain invovled.  But it seems like hypochondriasis is more the fear of a disease than actual pain.  The article also goes on to say:

In hypochondriasis, the person's concerns about having a serious disease are often based on a misinterpretation of normal bodily functions. Examination and reassurance by a doctor do not relieve their concerns; people with hypochondriasis tend to believe that the doctor has somehow failed to find the underlying disease.

I've talked about this before.  How we aren't having symptoms of a disease necissarily (or even any real pain) but we are misinterpreting normal body function.  The real problem comes into play when we don't find comfort in the reassurance of a doctor.  So it seems that hypochondriasis could really be summed up as:

1.  Misinterpretation of a 'normal' sensation (even if this is a minor ache or pain).
2.  Mistrust of the doctor's reassurance.
3.  Anxiety or fear of a serious disease.

This is me in a nutshell (nutcase?)

Well that makes sense

I'd posted before about how I get lotsa (well, for me) hits from MSN searches on Katie Couric. Turns out, its 'cause I misspelled it. So it appears others are as poor at spelling Her High(colon)ness' name as I am.

Either way, I get eye-prints on my page, and that's a good thing.

Poor soul

I was in the grocery store yesterday. This is the same store that last week sent me in to a panic with its "blood pressure machine of doom". It seems that the BPMoD has claimed another victim.

First things first. I got nervous just walking in the grocery store. This has become a new phenomenon with me. I'm not a fearful person usually. Outside the bounds of my health I'm usually pretty calm in situations. But since I knew the 'machine' was lurking around the corner, calling me over like the Sirens in the Odyssey, it became stressful. I'd managed to avoid it until I got to the isle and heard an older guy talking on his cell phone pacing around the machine. He was telling someone how his blood pressure had never been that low before and that he hadn't even taken his medication.

I could tell he was worried. This made me worried. I wanted to tell him I'd had a similar experience last week and that maybe it was busted. I couldn't do it though. What if it was really low and mine was really really high last week?

I went home and stressed a little about it. I told myself I wasn't going to check it because I didn't need to. HA! Turns out I did. And it was OK.

The moral to that story is I'm a complete trainwreck. Not only am I afraid of the grocery store and the machinery it houses, but I can overhear a guy talkin about his blood pressure and I start to freak out.

Yay me...

May all beings be happy

I hit a new chapter in my book on meditation.  Today's task was to meditate on LovingKindness.  The instructions said to think of some good deed that you've done in the past and remember how it felt.  Here's problem #1.

I'm sure I've done something good.  I'm a pretty nice guy.  Problem is, I can't remember a damn one.  I mean, I can remember simple things like giving a bum a quarter or picking someone up at the airport but that's hardly meditation worthy.  I need to save someone's life.  Or resuce a puppy.  Something.

The second task is to repeat the following alternately:

"May I be happy."
"May I have ease of being"
"May all beings be happy"
"May all beings have ease of being"

Other than being a mouthful (and sounding a little fruity) I like the idea.  Its like wishing yourself good luck.  And then the rest of the world.  And why not?  I could use a little luck.  Like Buddha said, 

"You can search forever to find someone more deserving of happiness than yourself -- but you never will."

A small fish in a big sea of sarcasm

Sometimes I google the term 'hypochondriac' just to see if they'be managed to cure it with a pill or prove that it is actually a symptom of some other disease that I think I have.

What I noticed yesterday was a whole lot of links to people who call themselves hypochondriacs but really aren't.  Its obvious by how well-adjusted these people are.  One blogger has journal entries that go all the way back to 1984.  How could you possible have time to retype things from 1984 if you're worried your uvula is going to fall off!?!?!

Who'd have thought I was inflicted with something fashionable.  Too bad its not cool sunglasses or a nice shirt.

I have a diagnosis!

Well, at least a confirmation.  I am a confirmed hypochondriac.  As diagnosed by some random test on an even more random site.  I scored a 70.  So I'm not a gonner.  But here's hoping!

How to deal with a hypochondriac

This was the query someone entered that somehow got them to my site. Normally, I get hits either from the name of the blog (apparently there isn't much information on spleen issues, cause I'm a top hit) or from Katie Kouric. Not the woman herself, but from an article in which I extol the virtues of seeing her colon at least 3 times a year on national television. But, I digress.

How to deal with a hypochondriac. This is touchy. First, you have to understand how a hypochondriac thinks. I think I've outlined this before. There's a thought process that consists of:

1.) My thumb hurts
2.) I have bone cancer

Its a simple process really. The fact is, the thumb really did hurt. Probably because you hit it with a hammer or slammed a door on it. This information, however, is inconsequential. Pain = cancer (or aneurysm, heart attack, beri beri, you get the idea).

So my first advice is to mot try to understand it. If you are not one of us, you can't. Your brain is normal. So, do not attempt to allay fears by saying things like "That's crazy". Because, that is obvious. Try something like "you should see a doctor about that". It sounds counterintuitive because you know there's nothing wrong but nothing shakes us more than someone calling our bluff.

Second. Be understanding but firm. My wife taught me this. Instead of playing to the fears be logical. This is different than tip #1. What I mean by firm is to not allow us to drag on or wine about problems. Either you're in eminent danger of death or you're not. If you aren't don't be willing to sit and listen to a litany of problems.

There is a corollary to tip #2 though. That is, to be willing to listen to WHY they (we) believe what we do. I don't mean crazy symptoms like your ears being different sized or your pinky toe is red. I mean things like "I saw a report on TV" or "I have a friend that was diagnosed with a disease and now I think I have it". These aren't as illogical as it seems. And you risk losing the person you're dealing with's willingness to talk to you.

Lastly, treat it with some humor. Don't laugh at them for being a dork. But try to throw in a little humor now and then. It helps people like me realize that we need to laugh a little.

Hope that helps. Now, if someone out there would please apply these to me, it would be greatly appreciated.

I had a bad experience

We went out of town this weekend. Back to my old stomping grounds to see some friends and just hang out. Seems like that should have been a nice relaxing weekend. Yeah...not so much.

Everything was great Friday night. We had dinner and drinks and sat around and talked and everything was cool. Then right after breakfast Saturday morning I started to get the feeling like things aren't right.

This is a feeling I can't explain its like I know everything is cool but I know its not going to be. I guess you'd call that anxiety. Its like that feeling you get before taking a test. The rest of the day I just sort of struggled to maintain a positive outlook on things. Not so easy.

A funny story (funny sad). At some point during the day I got up to go to the bathroom. I swear I had this feeling like my arms weren't connected. Not that they were numb or that I couldn't control them. I just could have sworn that I was watching someone else's arms move around. Yes, its crazy. Yes, I need help.

Anyway, on Sunday things were better. I went for a really long bike ride, a personal best. I even blew by this guy who looked like he could have been a pro. That was an excellent feeling. Then we went to the grocery store and I decided to check my blood pressure (this is hours later).

That didn't work out well at all. It didn't register well at all. In fact it was a personal best (worst?). I took it immediately again and it was fine. Of course, this ignited a panic. It's depressing that something as small as one bad reading (true or not) could destroy months of feeling good.

I went home and checked it and it was bad. Checked again it was OK. More checking, a vain attempt at sleeping, more checking. Ad absurdum ad nauseum.

I don't know what sparked all of this. I haven't been meditating on a regular schedule in the last few days. Plus, the last major freak out episode was when I traveled at Christmas. I hope I don't develop some sort of travel phobia.

Sorry this ain't funny. I'm sure I'll get something out of this at some point.