Ouch

"The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves."
Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC), Oedipus Rex

I just got back from my wife's house. That's sounds odd just saying it. Funny thing is, my mom was there. I may not have ever mentioned it but my parents live 3 hours away and my wife has never thought that was far enough. My parents have always been a source of contention in our relationship. I'm by no means a momma's boy. As a matter of fact, we can go months without even talking. Not because we don't like each other we just don't have anything to say. Growing up, it was just me and her and I think, on some level, we had enough of each other for a while. But I digress (regress?)

I had called my mom and left a message yesterday afternoon and asked that she call me on my cell phone. I'm not sure what transpired next but somehow she talked to the wife and was told that I had left. Apparently she was in the car not much later driving down.

Today it became real. Up to now the only people that "knew" were some close friends, my wife, and her mother. Now its "out". My mom was great about not butting in except to ask the questions she should be asking.

"When and how will you see your son?"

"How can you afford to live apart?"

"Have you thought about counseling?"

These were "easy" questions. The hard one was "why is this happening?" How do you explain years of inner struggle, feeling alone even when you're in the same room with someone, resentment for someone you love dearly, etc.? Of anyone she might now. She's divorced also. But, her husband (not my dad) hit her. For her (and this isn't common) leaving him was the easy choice.

I had gone to the house to spend time with my son and to tell the wife that I was going to get separation papers. This went exactly as I had expected. Its probably the hardest she's cried yet.

I felt cold. numb. guilty.

She apologized again, said we could try different things, that like when a person dies, you don't realize how valuable life is until its gone. And then she said exactly what I was thinking. That after a while, you forget to appreciate life again and you go back to the old routine.

This is the most apt anology I have come across yet. Our friendship has died and, even though we could get it back for a time, you can't raise the dead. And you can't go home again.