Just like a normal bout of "hypochondria" (as if it was a cold) today I'm better. Not happy. Better. I'm not depressed but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that it was just a "spell". I still spent the entire evening by myself watching TV having said only a few passing words to my wife.
I found myself spending extra time playing with my son, reading a book, taking him to breakfast, all on the precept that I won't have much time to spend with him. This is sad but, somehow, the decision seems to give me some peace.
Not that the decision is made but more that I'm "deciding to decide". Its like one person recommended that I try to live with each decision for a week and see how it feels.
Seems like good advice. Along with everything else everyone has said. Thanks.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
My rhetorical questions for today
Things that are going through my mind today:
What if I make the right decision for the wrong reason?
What if I make the wrong decision for the right reason?
How do I balance my list of 'pros' to another's list of 'cons'?
When is a promise too much to bear?
Is a zero-sum game fair?
Is it really even zero-sum; can it be a negative-sum?
I'm not looking for answers (but they're welcomed) just giving insight.
What if I make the right decision for the wrong reason?
What if I make the wrong decision for the right reason?
How do I balance my list of 'pros' to another's list of 'cons'?
When is a promise too much to bear?
Is a zero-sum game fair?
Is it really even zero-sum; can it be a negative-sum?
I'm not looking for answers (but they're welcomed) just giving insight.
You guys rock
I appreciate the support. Its interesting that the Internet is so often maligned and blamed for the decline of interpersonal relationships. It seems to me there's a whole support structure out there waiting to be tapped and, for the first time, isn't bound by distance.
I also appreciate you sharing your personal situations. It takes just as much to do that in a comment as it does to write a post. Again, thanks.
I also appreciate you sharing your personal situations. It takes just as much to do that in a comment as it does to write a post. Again, thanks.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Fair warning, this ain't funny.
I'll warn you now. This post has nothing to do with being a hypochondriac. And it probably won't be very funny. But, I need to write it somewhere and this blog has always been very helpful to me.
I've been married for 12 years. We met in 7th grade, started dating in high school, got married a year after high school. We have a nice house, one beautiful boy, two dogs, and a bunch of "stuff". And I'm considering a divorce.
That is a heavy statement. For anyone who's never had to write it, imagine writing something like "my father died" or "I have cancer". It's heavy. When you write it it hits the keyboard with a thump. It just hangs there. So much so that you have to check to make sure you wrote it.
Let me go back a bit and say that I've never been unfaithful. Not once. I've never even propositioned another woman, let alone touched one, in the 14 years I've been with my wife. And, to my knowledge, neither has she. I've never struck her, I never raise my voice and I'm never belligerent. And, on all those points, neither is she.
So why contemplate divorce? Well, because in short, I'm not happy. This is why I write this here and not some other random blog. I haven't been happy in years. I'll spare you the reasons why. Just know that they are varied and, seemingly to the outside observer, petty. But, like the protagonist in "The Cask of Amontillado" (surprised I've read?), "The thousands of injuries...I've bared as best I could..." have gotten to me.
So, back to the point. I'm not happy. But here's the real problem. I have problems with depression. I always have. So here's the question. "How do I know I'm not just depressed?" What's to say I'm not in a down turn and this is just another "what if"?
The what if engine doesn't only strike during periods of anxiety. Its always there. Maybe in this case its beneficial. This isn't something to be taken lightly.
I don't suspect I'll talk about this much. I hope that, like my other problems, I'll wake up one day and feel a little bit better. I know some of you are religious so, if you'd mention me to your favorite deity, I'd appreciate it.
Once interesting point. I actually took my blood pressure today just to take my mind off of this. It didn't work, blood pressure was great. Funny how that works. When you need anxiety, its just not there...
I've been married for 12 years. We met in 7th grade, started dating in high school, got married a year after high school. We have a nice house, one beautiful boy, two dogs, and a bunch of "stuff". And I'm considering a divorce.
That is a heavy statement. For anyone who's never had to write it, imagine writing something like "my father died" or "I have cancer". It's heavy. When you write it it hits the keyboard with a thump. It just hangs there. So much so that you have to check to make sure you wrote it.
Let me go back a bit and say that I've never been unfaithful. Not once. I've never even propositioned another woman, let alone touched one, in the 14 years I've been with my wife. And, to my knowledge, neither has she. I've never struck her, I never raise my voice and I'm never belligerent. And, on all those points, neither is she.
So why contemplate divorce? Well, because in short, I'm not happy. This is why I write this here and not some other random blog. I haven't been happy in years. I'll spare you the reasons why. Just know that they are varied and, seemingly to the outside observer, petty. But, like the protagonist in "The Cask of Amontillado" (surprised I've read?), "The thousands of injuries...I've bared as best I could..." have gotten to me.
So, back to the point. I'm not happy. But here's the real problem. I have problems with depression. I always have. So here's the question. "How do I know I'm not just depressed?" What's to say I'm not in a down turn and this is just another "what if"?
What if the cause of my depression is my marriage?
What if i leave her and I'm alone forever?
What will happen to my son?
What will happen to her? (I do still love her.)
What if this is a mid-life (or 1/3 life) crisis and I really just need to buy a Corvette?
What if I make a mistake and regret it forever?
What if I do nothing and regret it forever?
The what if engine doesn't only strike during periods of anxiety. Its always there. Maybe in this case its beneficial. This isn't something to be taken lightly.
I don't suspect I'll talk about this much. I hope that, like my other problems, I'll wake up one day and feel a little bit better. I know some of you are religious so, if you'd mention me to your favorite deity, I'd appreciate it.
Once interesting point. I actually took my blood pressure today just to take my mind off of this. It didn't work, blood pressure was great. Funny how that works. When you need anxiety, its just not there...
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
My hurts
Apparently there aren't many sites on the Internet that deal in either spleen or uvula pain. This is evident by the number of hits I get daily requesting information on said maladies.
So for those of you who've come here looking for information on diseases of the Uvula, I'll direct you here:
Diseases of the Uvula
And for the spleenicly deficient:
Spleen Diseases
I love being able to use my google-powers for good.
So for those of you who've come here looking for information on diseases of the Uvula, I'll direct you here:
Diseases of the Uvula
And for the spleenicly deficient:
Spleen Diseases
I love being able to use my google-powers for good.
Two words: "Make up your damn mind"
OK, that's more than two words. Maybe I should have said "words evenly divisible by two"... Today, I read this:
This is exactly what's wrong with the medical profession. OK, maybe not exactly, I mean, there's tongue depressors and digital rectal exams, but you know what I mean. Here we have an organization that says "Trans-fats are bad". Then someone goes out on a limb to ban them and they say "The alternative to trans-fats are bad".
Exactly what is being accomplished here? If I was Michael Bloomberg I would seriously consider flying to the headquarters of the AHA and pimp slapping the white coat off of the joker that gave this press release.
If trans-fats weren't the worst thing we could eat but not the best, then say that. But based on all the hoopla over the last year I am fully expecting to die of a coronary the next time I eat my toast with margarine.
November 14, 2006 -- Put this in your fry basket: The American Heart Association opposes Mayor Bloomberg's plan to ban trans fat in restaurants - breaking ranks with most health advocates.
"The American Heart Association is concerned that the ban of trans fat in restaurants in its current form may not be the best course of proposed action," the medical group said in written testimony obtained by The Post.
"We are concerned that there is the potential for unintended and adverse consequences, such as restaurants returning to the use of oils high in saturated or animal-based fat if healthier oils are in short supply," the association's Megan Lozito told the city Board of Health.
"These unhealthy substitutes also pose important health risks."
This is exactly what's wrong with the medical profession. OK, maybe not exactly, I mean, there's tongue depressors and digital rectal exams, but you know what I mean. Here we have an organization that says "Trans-fats are bad". Then someone goes out on a limb to ban them and they say "The alternative to trans-fats are bad".
Exactly what is being accomplished here? If I was Michael Bloomberg I would seriously consider flying to the headquarters of the AHA and pimp slapping the white coat off of the joker that gave this press release.
If trans-fats weren't the worst thing we could eat but not the best, then say that. But based on all the hoopla over the last year I am fully expecting to die of a coronary the next time I eat my toast with margarine.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
White and nerdy
Not much to report today. As my hero and moral mentor, Ice Cube, once said "Today was a good day". Of course I also think he said something about doing rather impolite things to a police officer...maybe I should pick another mentor.
Monday, November 13, 2006
The new look
I've made changes. It became apparent that the color-scheme of the blog was depressing. Either that or I became depressing and decided to blame it on the color scheme. Either way, I changed it. I promise, the content will still be as depressing as before.
Ooops
I realized last night about 5 minutes after I typed my last post that I hadn't taken my medication that day. If you've been with me for any period of time you'll know that this is usually a cause for great consternation. That's assuming I know what "consternation" really means. At first glance it looks like a group of stars that have trouble going to the bathroom... But, I digress.
I realized this as I was brushing my teeth. I think I hit all the stages of grief as I came to this realization:
Denial - "That can't be. I never forget my meds."
Anger - "I am such a dork!"
Bargaining - "Maybe I can just take it now and everything will be alright."
Depression - "Why am I freaking out about this? I thought I was 'better'... This is so sad. If I wasn't going to have a stroke from the high blood pressure, I'd shoot myself."
and finally:
Acceptance - "I'll just go to bed and die now. Lord, take me home."
Of course, I didn't die. At least, I hope not. 'Cause I didn't read anywhere in the Bible about blogging. I guess I survived. It was a restless night and there were a few phantom "chest pains" and "almost-heart attacks" but, I made it. This only proves that vigilance is the price you pay for "health".
Even for a second I let my guard down and something small crept in and made me question my health and, literally, my sanity.
I realized this as I was brushing my teeth. I think I hit all the stages of grief as I came to this realization:
Denial - "That can't be. I never forget my meds."
Anger - "I am such a dork!"
Bargaining - "Maybe I can just take it now and everything will be alright."
Depression - "Why am I freaking out about this? I thought I was 'better'... This is so sad. If I wasn't going to have a stroke from the high blood pressure, I'd shoot myself."
and finally:
Acceptance - "I'll just go to bed and die now. Lord, take me home."
Of course, I didn't die. At least, I hope not. 'Cause I didn't read anywhere in the Bible about blogging. I guess I survived. It was a restless night and there were a few phantom "chest pains" and "almost-heart attacks" but, I made it. This only proves that vigilance is the price you pay for "health".
Even for a second I let my guard down and something small crept in and made me question my health and, literally, my sanity.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
You heard it here first!
See! I told you!
I don't know why I find this a positive thing. I really should be freaking out at the fact that google might be right half the time and I actually have hemochromomyoencephelocitis because my eyebrows twitch occasionally.
I can't imagine this will be beneficial the next time i go symptom surfing.
David Batty and agencies
Friday November 10, 2006
Guardian Unlimited
Doctors in doubt about a patient's ailment could use Google to help them reach a diagnosis, researchers said today.
Two Australian doctors have found that entering the symptoms of a tricky case into the internet search engine often results in accurately diagnosing the illness.
They put Google to the test by entering the symptoms of 26 difficult cases recorded in the New England Journal of Medicine into the search engine to see how accurate an aid to diagnosis it was. And in 58% of cases using the search engine led to the correct diagnosis.
I don't know why I find this a positive thing. I really should be freaking out at the fact that google might be right half the time and I actually have hemochromomyoencephelocitis because my eyebrows twitch occasionally.
I can't imagine this will be beneficial the next time i go symptom surfing.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Today is another day
Or maybe yesterday is another day...or something. Its 1:11AM at the time if this writing. I've just finished looking over my benefits for next year or, more to the point, deciding how much money I will give my doctor to tell me I will die...eventually.
Just a random blurb. I really appreciate the comments you guys (and gals) leave. I can't tell you enough how much it helps to know we're not alone (and we're not). I was thinking on the way home from my martial arts class about something the instructor said. He was giving me a sort of pat on the back and made mention to the class that I'm always relaxed under pressure.
Funny thing is that I'm usually a wreck of adrenaline and uncertainty in those classes. Much like during 'attacks'. To most people (maybe everyone except my wife) I seem normal. I usually get remarks about how 'even-keeled' I am (ahoy, shape the mizzenmast and hoist the main sail). But, I'm usually a flurry of what-ifs and my mind is racing 100 miles an hour.
Maybe normal people are the same way. Maybe what looks like calm and collected is really fear uncertainty and doubt. I sure hope so. It might be mean but it'd sure make me feel better to know I'm more normal than I think I am.
P.S. While spell-checking the above it pointed out that I typed "marital arts" instead of "martial arts"...Freud would be proud.
Just a random blurb. I really appreciate the comments you guys (and gals) leave. I can't tell you enough how much it helps to know we're not alone (and we're not). I was thinking on the way home from my martial arts class about something the instructor said. He was giving me a sort of pat on the back and made mention to the class that I'm always relaxed under pressure.
Funny thing is that I'm usually a wreck of adrenaline and uncertainty in those classes. Much like during 'attacks'. To most people (maybe everyone except my wife) I seem normal. I usually get remarks about how 'even-keeled' I am (ahoy, shape the mizzenmast and hoist the main sail). But, I'm usually a flurry of what-ifs and my mind is racing 100 miles an hour.
Maybe normal people are the same way. Maybe what looks like calm and collected is really fear uncertainty and doubt. I sure hope so. It might be mean but it'd sure make me feel better to know I'm more normal than I think I am.
P.S. While spell-checking the above it pointed out that I typed "marital arts" instead of "martial arts"...Freud would be proud.
Monday, November 06, 2006
I spoke too soon
After my little "I'm so healthy I'm sick" schpeel (i have no idea how to spell it) yesterday I knew I was in danger... I just didn't expect it so quickly. This morning as I was sitting in my fortress of solitude (spelled b-a-t-h-r-o-o-m) I "noticed" my heart beat felt "weird". For those of you like me those two words - 'noticed' and 'weird' - are the hallmarks of an ensuing freak-out.
The dictionary defines 'weird' as:
I define 'weird' as:
Examples of weird things might be heartbeats, eye twitches, feeling cold, feeling hot, feeling happy, sad, anxious, calm, or really, any feeling whatsoever that you happen to 'notice' at that moment.
Its really inconcequential what you're 'noticing'. Its much more important that it was noticed because, as we all know, any new sensation equals impending doom. Even, oddly enough, feelings of impending doom equal impending doom (a heart attack).
As quickly as I felt the heartbeat it was gone. I freaked a little bit and it all came in. I went from (alleged) odd heartbeat to who will raise my son in a matter of 5 minutes.
I was able to meditate this morning and that seemed to at least slow down the what-if stuff. We'll see how it goes from here on out.
The dictionary defines 'weird' as:
adjective
suggesting something supernatural; uncanny : the weird crying of a seal.
• informal very strange; bizarre : a weird coincidence | all sorts of weird and wonderful characters.
• archaic connected with fate.
I define 'weird' as:
noun
The state a vital organ or system enters precisely 5 minutes before death.
Examples of weird things might be heartbeats, eye twitches, feeling cold, feeling hot, feeling happy, sad, anxious, calm, or really, any feeling whatsoever that you happen to 'notice' at that moment.
Its really inconcequential what you're 'noticing'. Its much more important that it was noticed because, as we all know, any new sensation equals impending doom. Even, oddly enough, feelings of impending doom equal impending doom (a heart attack).
As quickly as I felt the heartbeat it was gone. I freaked a little bit and it all came in. I went from (alleged) odd heartbeat to who will raise my son in a matter of 5 minutes.
I was able to meditate this morning and that seemed to at least slow down the what-if stuff. We'll see how it goes from here on out.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Being healthy is making me...unhealthy
I've always had a bit of a weight problem. At least as far back as I can remember I've been a little heavy. Not obese (at least, not grossly) but not skinny either. Of course, if you were to ask the government I'm somewhere between obese and morbidly obese. Of course, so is Arnold Schwarz...you know who I mean.
After my last episode which was about a year ago, I got down to probably the lightest weight I've ever been. This was mostly due to my inability to eat for fear of ingesting one-too-many grams of salt and dying of an aneurysm. And then, through the summer, I stayed at that weight through exercise and good clean livin...ok...through exercise.
Now that its the 'off season' I'm not riding near as much and I'm gaining it back. The wife and I were talking today about going off our meds to lose weight.
Its sad really. Its like we have to choose between mental health and physical health. I'll try and diet more and exercise more but the reality is, I'm just not worried enough about it to do anything.
Its one of those problems like too much money or too many women that just don't seem like problems to those without.
After my last episode which was about a year ago, I got down to probably the lightest weight I've ever been. This was mostly due to my inability to eat for fear of ingesting one-too-many grams of salt and dying of an aneurysm. And then, through the summer, I stayed at that weight through exercise and good clean livin...ok...through exercise.
Now that its the 'off season' I'm not riding near as much and I'm gaining it back. The wife and I were talking today about going off our meds to lose weight.
Its sad really. Its like we have to choose between mental health and physical health. I'll try and diet more and exercise more but the reality is, I'm just not worried enough about it to do anything.
Its one of those problems like too much money or too many women that just don't seem like problems to those without.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Oh chili, how I hate thee
We had a chili cook-off today at work. Me being a vegetarian I didn't think I'd have an issue. Especially since I'd be eating only my own recipe. Turns out the problem wasn't the chili it was the cake, cookies, brownies, potato chips, cheese, corn bread, more brownies, some sort of key-lime concoction, more brownies and lord knows what else.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Chocolate = cancer
I have a tendency to "notice" things. By noticing something I mean that all of a sudden I'm freaked out by things like, oh I don't know, looking at my own face in a mirror, or become aware that I'm breathing. You know, odd things.
For example, today I "noticed" that I had a brown spot between my eyes on the bridge of my nose. For a moment I panicked. Was this a liver spot, a spontaneous bruise, a sore, skin cancer?
I then licked my finger and rubbed it and it came off.
This is hypochondria at its finest. I am afraid of a chocolate mark on my forehead.
For example, today I "noticed" that I had a brown spot between my eyes on the bridge of my nose. For a moment I panicked. Was this a liver spot, a spontaneous bruise, a sore, skin cancer?
I then licked my finger and rubbed it and it came off.
This is hypochondria at its finest. I am afraid of a chocolate mark on my forehead.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Events of my death are greatly under-reported
So there I was...surrounded by ninjas...would you beleive, a group of angry girl scouts? OK, I'm just lazy. I try not to use this space as my "personal" blog. Meaning, I don't come on here and spill my guts about political issues, human injustice, the price of gasoline, how the Bolshevic Revolution was neith Bolshovic nor a revolution, etc.
So you can by my lack of posts that things are well. This is usually the part of the year where I have the most issues. I'm thinking, at this point, its the drugs. This is by far the longest I've ever taken anything. At the time of this writting (man that sounds professional) I've been "on the sauce" for 11 months give or take a panic attack and a couple missed doses. Heretofore (oh yeah, I said it) my longest stint was 6 months.
I'm not 100% certain why I quit taking it before. I think I saw it as a sign of weakness. As I mentioned in some of the last posts, I used to think medication was the domain of the weak. That for some reason if I was taking drugs it meant I wasn't truly better.
Well, to that, I say...duh! I'm not better. At least, not without the drugs. But, I am better with the drugs. I still have my moments. For example, this morning on the elliptical I got worried about what I swore was a "odd rhythm" in my heartbeat. Then I had a "breathing thing" that I couldn't explain if I wanted to. And believe me, I want to.
But, the key there was that it didn't freak me out for long. Miracles of modern medicine. If it wasn't for incorrectly amputated limbs and phen phen, I might think they were on to something.
So you can by my lack of posts that things are well. This is usually the part of the year where I have the most issues. I'm thinking, at this point, its the drugs. This is by far the longest I've ever taken anything. At the time of this writting (man that sounds professional) I've been "on the sauce" for 11 months give or take a panic attack and a couple missed doses. Heretofore (oh yeah, I said it) my longest stint was 6 months.
I'm not 100% certain why I quit taking it before. I think I saw it as a sign of weakness. As I mentioned in some of the last posts, I used to think medication was the domain of the weak. That for some reason if I was taking drugs it meant I wasn't truly better.
Well, to that, I say...duh! I'm not better. At least, not without the drugs. But, I am better with the drugs. I still have my moments. For example, this morning on the elliptical I got worried about what I swore was a "odd rhythm" in my heartbeat. Then I had a "breathing thing" that I couldn't explain if I wanted to. And believe me, I want to.
But, the key there was that it didn't freak me out for long. Miracles of modern medicine. If it wasn't for incorrectly amputated limbs and phen phen, I might think they were on to something.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Save me Elrond Hubbard, save me Tom Cruise!!!
I usually think of about 13 things during the day that I want to blog about. unfortunately, I usually forget them within about 8 seconds. I'm sure if I thought about this long enough I'd convince myself that this was a early-onset Alzheimer's or some rare "brain cloud". Fortunately, I've just been too busy.
I did get to go back "home" this weekend with the wife and kid. This, as you may remember, was the site of my last complete melt down. This was Christmas morning this past year. I still think it had to do with a medication change but, I always fell extra anxious when I travel. Not sure what that's about.
Its also worth noting that my wife has anxiety problems. Hers mostly focus on new people or places. It got me thinking about two things. The first being the perception of what an "anxiety issue" is. It used to be called "nerves" or "the vapors" (please, note, "the vapors" is pronounced "tha vahpahhhs" in your best southern drawl). I remember as a child how I was considered "hyperactive". Of course, now that's ADD and I'd be drugged up for it.
That got me to thinking about "better living through chemistry". I'm not a big fan of taking drugs (the legal ones) without good cause. I've done my best to limit my need for drugs to the smallest dose for the shortest time. Obviously it doesn't work all the time (I take 3 drugs a day) but its a goal. I started thinking about how I and many others frown on the idea that everyone has to be happy.
This is the idea that people get depressed and you (we) should just deal with it. I used to believe this. I used to believe (much like Our Lord and Saviour Tom Cruise) that people who took drugs like Prozac were just weak. That people who took Lipitor and BP medication just weren't willing to commit to exercise and a better diet.
My the difference a few "heart attacks" and "strokes", or at least, imagined ones, makes. I've now started to realize the fault in that logic. The fault is that its actually the reverse. What is so wrong with being happier than we were made? If we could take a pill that made us happy all day everyday, even when things went bad, what's wrong with that? If I can take a pill that keeps me from dying of a massive heart attack at 40 (here's hoping) instead of having to eat right and exercise, what's wrong with that, too?
This of course ignores the financial implications of pharmaceuticals but that's a topic for a different post. The point here is that I've come to see nothing inherently wrong with taking 2 pills a day, every day, for the rest of my life. Especially if those pills provide a long and happy life.
It just occurred to me that I can rename my medication. I take one pill to have a long life, and another to make it happy. Seems like the two should be inseparable.
I did get to go back "home" this weekend with the wife and kid. This, as you may remember, was the site of my last complete melt down. This was Christmas morning this past year. I still think it had to do with a medication change but, I always fell extra anxious when I travel. Not sure what that's about.
Its also worth noting that my wife has anxiety problems. Hers mostly focus on new people or places. It got me thinking about two things. The first being the perception of what an "anxiety issue" is. It used to be called "nerves" or "the vapors" (please, note, "the vapors" is pronounced "tha vahpahhhs" in your best southern drawl). I remember as a child how I was considered "hyperactive". Of course, now that's ADD and I'd be drugged up for it.
That got me to thinking about "better living through chemistry". I'm not a big fan of taking drugs (the legal ones) without good cause. I've done my best to limit my need for drugs to the smallest dose for the shortest time. Obviously it doesn't work all the time (I take 3 drugs a day) but its a goal. I started thinking about how I and many others frown on the idea that everyone has to be happy.
This is the idea that people get depressed and you (we) should just deal with it. I used to believe this. I used to believe (much like Our Lord and Saviour Tom Cruise) that people who took drugs like Prozac were just weak. That people who took Lipitor and BP medication just weren't willing to commit to exercise and a better diet.
My the difference a few "heart attacks" and "strokes", or at least, imagined ones, makes. I've now started to realize the fault in that logic. The fault is that its actually the reverse. What is so wrong with being happier than we were made? If we could take a pill that made us happy all day everyday, even when things went bad, what's wrong with that? If I can take a pill that keeps me from dying of a massive heart attack at 40 (here's hoping) instead of having to eat right and exercise, what's wrong with that, too?
This of course ignores the financial implications of pharmaceuticals but that's a topic for a different post. The point here is that I've come to see nothing inherently wrong with taking 2 pills a day, every day, for the rest of my life. Especially if those pills provide a long and happy life.
It just occurred to me that I can rename my medication. I take one pill to have a long life, and another to make it happy. Seems like the two should be inseparable.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Stop trying to help!!!
I rode (road? roaded? roden?) in my first two actual competitive bike races this weekend. The first day I didn't finish due to an unfortunate incident that occured in front of me (read pile-up). Today, I finished. I really felt great all day including after the finish (except for somehow wrecking into the hay bails AFTER the race was over).
Anywho, everything was great until I get back to where my wife and son were waiting. And my wife says "I think you're starting to get a nose bleed". OK. This is bad. Not uncommon necessarily. I've had nose bleeds since I was a child. My doctor said something about the blood vessels in my nose yada yada. I actually believe that one.
However, in my mind I think "excersize = high blood pressure = nose bleed". This is bad enough but, normally, I can shake this thought. Then here it comes. The wife says, "Did you take your blood pressure medicine?".
Ouch.
No, I didn't. This is not uncommon. I will usually wait until after my morning excercize before I take my pills. But this time, it struck a chord. All the standard sorts of what-if questions start running through my mind. I think I've mentioned them enough to not have to recount them here.
It was innocous enough statement from the wife. I'm sure she assumed her explanation would help me feel better. This is sort of like when you have a cough and the doctor says it could be pneumonia or cancer (gee what's that like).
I think I've managed to get by it at this point with minimal freakage, pulse checking, etc. Of course, the blood pressure machine at the grocery store was calling my name but that's not abnormal.
Well, another day, another crisis averted. Come back next time, same nut time, same nut channel.
Anywho, everything was great until I get back to where my wife and son were waiting. And my wife says "I think you're starting to get a nose bleed". OK. This is bad. Not uncommon necessarily. I've had nose bleeds since I was a child. My doctor said something about the blood vessels in my nose yada yada. I actually believe that one.
However, in my mind I think "excersize = high blood pressure = nose bleed". This is bad enough but, normally, I can shake this thought. Then here it comes. The wife says, "Did you take your blood pressure medicine?".
Ouch.
No, I didn't. This is not uncommon. I will usually wait until after my morning excercize before I take my pills. But this time, it struck a chord. All the standard sorts of what-if questions start running through my mind. I think I've mentioned them enough to not have to recount them here.
It was innocous enough statement from the wife. I'm sure she assumed her explanation would help me feel better. This is sort of like when you have a cough and the doctor says it could be pneumonia or cancer (gee what's that like).
I think I've managed to get by it at this point with minimal freakage, pulse checking, etc. Of course, the blood pressure machine at the grocery store was calling my name but that's not abnormal.
Well, another day, another crisis averted. Come back next time, same nut time, same nut channel.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Ouch
I rode 100 miles today. 100.7, to be exact. it was sort of a personal goal. It took something like 5.5 hours to do it. There's something I've always noticed about riding. Its very much the same feeling I get when I'm meditating. I couldn't for the life of me tell you what I thought about, alone, for 5.5 hours. Believe it or not I only thought about fire ants and heart attacks maybe once in 5 hours.
This brings to mind the saying "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." Maybe idle minds are anxiety's workshop. It seems common sense that if you're busy doing something else, you don't have time to worry. Sounds simple enough. The problem is, you're not always doing "somthing". As a matter of fact, many times, I'm doing absolutely nothing. Therein lies a problem.
Its getting cold again. This is my season for "non-reason", of you will (yeah, I know, not one of my better turns of phrase). October is usually when I start the downward slide that, usually, ends sometime in the spring. I've theorized that it was lack of sun or lack of exercise or who knows what. In reality I guess I'm just bored.
This year I'll try to stay a little more busy. It will be hard. Sometimes the mind just needs to relax. Maybe meditation can fill the need there. I'll keep you posted.
This brings to mind the saying "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." Maybe idle minds are anxiety's workshop. It seems common sense that if you're busy doing something else, you don't have time to worry. Sounds simple enough. The problem is, you're not always doing "somthing". As a matter of fact, many times, I'm doing absolutely nothing. Therein lies a problem.
Its getting cold again. This is my season for "non-reason", of you will (yeah, I know, not one of my better turns of phrase). October is usually when I start the downward slide that, usually, ends sometime in the spring. I've theorized that it was lack of sun or lack of exercise or who knows what. In reality I guess I'm just bored.
This year I'll try to stay a little more busy. It will be hard. Sometimes the mind just needs to relax. Maybe meditation can fill the need there. I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I return to the scene of the crime (or, I came, I saw, I itched)
Whn we last left our super psyco, he was litteraly afraid of itching. This, due in part to a vicious attack by a colony of rabid fire ants with frickin laser beams on their heads.
OK, maybe they didn't have laser beams. They were rabid though, I just know it. You might recall I had a near death experience. By near death, I mean I got hives and went to the hospital. That was the last time I went to this particular place and raced (on a bicycle).
I've told myself for the last month or two that I was just "changing my training schedule". I think on some level I was "scared shitless" and was avoiding this place. I decided I wanted to race there a coupel more times before the season was over so I went last night. Here's how it went.
- Find a parking spot with no grass (cause that's where the ants are)
- Stop the car and immediately open the door and look for ants
- Get out of the car
- Look for ants
- Stoop down even closer to look for ants
- Change clothes while periodically looking for ants
- Feel something crawl on my leg
- Dance like Yosemite Sam was shooting at my feet to shake the "ants"
- Get my bike
- Look for ants
- Get on the bike
- Start to itch and wonder if I was bitten by ants
- Ride around the track at some god-awful speed with 75 people who apparently don't know what "safety" means
- Ride up to my car and within four seconds I do the following:
- Look for ants
- throw my bike in the trunk
- run to the passenger side and jump in
- check for ants
- drive home hoping that that crawling feeling on my leg isn't an ant
- take a shower and remind myself that I'm washing the ants off
- Go to bed and thank God I escaped the ants
- Freak out cause I think I feel an ant
So, as you can see, I've adjusted fairly well... As the ants only occupied 50% of my total brain power I had at least 25% to spare for riding (the other 25% went to standard cancer, aneurism, and heart attack thoughts).
Did I mention there were ants?
OK, maybe they didn't have laser beams. They were rabid though, I just know it. You might recall I had a near death experience. By near death, I mean I got hives and went to the hospital. That was the last time I went to this particular place and raced (on a bicycle).
I've told myself for the last month or two that I was just "changing my training schedule". I think on some level I was "scared shitless" and was avoiding this place. I decided I wanted to race there a coupel more times before the season was over so I went last night. Here's how it went.
- Find a parking spot with no grass (cause that's where the ants are)
- Stop the car and immediately open the door and look for ants
- Get out of the car
- Look for ants
- Stoop down even closer to look for ants
- Change clothes while periodically looking for ants
- Feel something crawl on my leg
- Dance like Yosemite Sam was shooting at my feet to shake the "ants"
- Get my bike
- Look for ants
- Get on the bike
- Start to itch and wonder if I was bitten by ants
- Ride around the track at some god-awful speed with 75 people who apparently don't know what "safety" means
- Ride up to my car and within four seconds I do the following:
- Look for ants
- throw my bike in the trunk
- run to the passenger side and jump in
- check for ants
- drive home hoping that that crawling feeling on my leg isn't an ant
- take a shower and remind myself that I'm washing the ants off
- Go to bed and thank God I escaped the ants
- Freak out cause I think I feel an ant
So, as you can see, I've adjusted fairly well... As the ants only occupied 50% of my total brain power I had at least 25% to spare for riding (the other 25% went to standard cancer, aneurism, and heart attack thoughts).
Did I mention there were ants?
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