I've taken martial arts for quite some time now. Nothing spectacular. We don't flip around or where funny costumes. We do stand around in circles and attack the guy in the middle one-by-one like ninjas in movies, but that's a different story.
Over the course of my 'career' I've had occasion to be hurt. Hurt is a relative word. It ranges from "Hey, you're on my hair!" to "Is my foot is supposed to point backwards?" I've had the former type of injury many times, only had the latter once. OK, it was my toe that pointed the wrong way but it still hurt...
The other night a guy was testing and he threw me and as a defense I attempted to break his knee with my eye. This is a move which has a high degree of difficulty. You might think it's easy to hit someone's knee with your eye but, actually, it is not. The knee is quite low and the eye is quite a small target.
Suffice it to say, this hurt. I actually heard some squishing. I like to believe that it was his kneecap but I believe it was my eye. I have a nice shiner as a trophy and, most likely, macular degeneration when I'm 60.
This brings me to the point of the story. Once I got hurt, I started getting anxious. Immediately I started wondering if I had broken something. Once I was past that I started wondering if I had burst a sinus and was already well on my way to dying of septic shock. Or, maybe, a slow-growing aneurysm had been jarred just enough to start slowly leaking.
Regardless of what I thought it was, it freaked me out a bit. All night long I was worried. This goes along with my theory that when I feel that a dent has been made in my 'armor' it causes a flood of fears that I've been holding back. Any time I get a cold or the flu, a headache, or any sort of random pain, I start to think about my health and what might be wrong with me in the future.
Normally, when we walk around, we are oblivious to the millions of things that could go wrong. It's times that I'm reminded of my mortality. Not mortality in the existential sense, but in the "being sick sucks, dying sucks more" sense.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Ah haaaaaaaa!
My mother is a hypochondriac. This is a new revelation to me. Maybe it shouldn't be. She's never had the classic 'symptoms' of one but, as it seems, its been there all along. Today we were sitting outside on the back deck talking and I got cold. I made a comment that after losing so much weight, I'm always cold.
For the next 10 minutes she tells me this story of how she went to see this doctor in a town 45 minutes away who did some sort of 'saliva test' and told her her adrenal glands were 'burnt out' and that she needed to take all these different kinds of vitamins and savs (I guess someone told her to put the balm on).
Its also interesting, though, that this doctor told her that when she was born that if her mother was under a lot of stress that she might have anxiety issues, too. This is exactly what my psychiatrist told me... I'm doomed. Generations of anxious people begatting other generations of anxious people.
Wonderful.
For the next 10 minutes she tells me this story of how she went to see this doctor in a town 45 minutes away who did some sort of 'saliva test' and told her her adrenal glands were 'burnt out' and that she needed to take all these different kinds of vitamins and savs (I guess someone told her to put the balm on).
Its also interesting, though, that this doctor told her that when she was born that if her mother was under a lot of stress that she might have anxiety issues, too. This is exactly what my psychiatrist told me... I'm doomed. Generations of anxious people begatting other generations of anxious people.
Wonderful.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
You think you know someone...
I've learned a lot the last few days about how we see each other. Mostly, about how we misperceive each other based on what we "know" and what we think we know. This can be as simple as a friend that turns into something much more, a spouse that turns into something much less, or a friend that sees you in a much different way than you thought they did.
The funny thing about human nature is that just when we think we've pegged each other, we change. Its like the Heisenberg uncertainty principle (except without all the math). The uncertainty principle basically states that you can't accurately test both the position and momentum (or speed, etc.) of a body without affecting one of them. In other words, the more know, the less you know...
Once you truly think you know a person, and you apply that knowledge, the person forever changes in a way that invalidates what you knew. At least, your perception of them does. The fact is, you never really knew them, just how they reacted to you in the situations you'd always been in.
I thought I knew my wife. It turns out I didn't. At least, I don't. Maybe I changed her, maybe she was never who I thought she was. Whatever the case, she's a stranger now. That hurts a bit. Obviously I brought about the change in 'state' by leaving, but she's chosen her direction.
From this point on, its uncharted territory. I have to make lots of choices and go through trials I never thought I'd had to. All based on the wants and needs of a person I no longer know. Scary.
The funny thing about human nature is that just when we think we've pegged each other, we change. Its like the Heisenberg uncertainty principle (except without all the math). The uncertainty principle basically states that you can't accurately test both the position and momentum (or speed, etc.) of a body without affecting one of them. In other words, the more know, the less you know...
Once you truly think you know a person, and you apply that knowledge, the person forever changes in a way that invalidates what you knew. At least, your perception of them does. The fact is, you never really knew them, just how they reacted to you in the situations you'd always been in.
I thought I knew my wife. It turns out I didn't. At least, I don't. Maybe I changed her, maybe she was never who I thought she was. Whatever the case, she's a stranger now. That hurts a bit. Obviously I brought about the change in 'state' by leaving, but she's chosen her direction.
From this point on, its uncharted territory. I have to make lots of choices and go through trials I never thought I'd had to. All based on the wants and needs of a person I no longer know. Scary.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Tag I'm it...OMG, I'm IT, I'm IT!!!!!!!
Lacy has thrown down the gauntlet. I have sprayed it with Lysol and picked it up...with forceps.
3 essentials I'd find in your purse/bag or desk
1. My Treo
2. My Mac
3. My debit card
3 people who make you laugh
1. My 'friend'
2. My room mate
3. Myself
3 fears you have
1. Fire Ants
2. Flying
3. Fire ants on a Muth$%#$# Plane!
3 goals in the coming year
1. Lose weight
2. Win a bike race
3. Not freak out
3 things that move you to tears
1. Hurting someone
2. "Titanic" (yeah, I said it. And I'll fight anyone who laughs!)
3. Onions
3 foods you love
1. Clif Bars
2. Sushi
3. General Tso's Tofu...Damn that's'a one'a spicy tofu...
3 places you've been that were beautiful
1. Maui, Hawaii
2. Linville Gorge, NC
3. Any no-name road in the middle of nowhere 5 hours into a bike ride.
3 experiences that changed you forever
1. The birth of my son (yeah, easy answer)
2. My marriage
3. My separation
3 regrets you have
1. Not going to college
2. Not starting bike riding 'til I was old
3. Having regrets at all
3 things you have to have daily
1. Email
2. Instant Messenger
3. A problem that needs fixing
3 other blogs you read
1. Beauty for Ashes
2. The perfect Hypochondriac
3. Cult of Mac
3 essentials I'd find in your purse/bag or desk
1. My Treo
2. My Mac
3. My debit card
3 people who make you laugh
1. My 'friend'
2. My room mate
3. Myself
3 fears you have
1. Fire Ants
2. Flying
3. Fire ants on a Muth$%#$# Plane!
3 goals in the coming year
1. Lose weight
2. Win a bike race
3. Not freak out
3 things that move you to tears
1. Hurting someone
2. "Titanic" (yeah, I said it. And I'll fight anyone who laughs!)
3. Onions
3 foods you love
1. Clif Bars
2. Sushi
3. General Tso's Tofu...Damn that's'a one'a spicy tofu...
3 places you've been that were beautiful
1. Maui, Hawaii
2. Linville Gorge, NC
3. Any no-name road in the middle of nowhere 5 hours into a bike ride.
3 experiences that changed you forever
1. The birth of my son (yeah, easy answer)
2. My marriage
3. My separation
3 regrets you have
1. Not going to college
2. Not starting bike riding 'til I was old
3. Having regrets at all
3 things you have to have daily
1. Email
2. Instant Messenger
3. A problem that needs fixing
3 other blogs you read
1. Beauty for Ashes
2. The perfect Hypochondriac
3. Cult of Mac
On a happier note
Thanks to everyone who commented on "My Top 10 (or bottom 10)". I had a blast going back through and re-reading (and in some cases, re-living) the last year. I appreciate all the cross-linking and commenting you do (and, to those who lurk) the commenting you don't do. I know I'm slack in posting lately, I'll try to do better...
State of the onion
Not much to report. On the marital front, the only thing to report is that there appears to be a small custody battle brewing. I say small because, in my eyes, we are only disagreeing about one visit per week and one overnight stay. Everything else is in total agreement. Basically I want to be able to see him one extra night, even though I'd have him home for bed. And I'd like to keep him Sunday night so I can take him to school on Monday.
This is apparently out of the question. She has decided that she's the "primary caregiver" and that somehow I was an absentee father so it would be disruptive to his schedule for him to be "shuffled around" so much. I don't know... I think that's a weak argument. I've told her I won't accept that schedule and asked that she please be considerate of everyone.
She made a comment that both caught me off guard and seemed to sum up our whole relationship. She said that the "root of our problem was that she was unhappy when I wasn't around". Taken in context this means that I was never around so she was always unhappy which is what led to my being unhappy (if you follow that bit of circular logic). Taken in another context, she thinks the root of our problems is my perception of her unhappiness with me. Or, said another way, that I was unhappy she wanted me at home.
I was both surprised and 'comforted' by this. I was surprised because I thought I had laid out my case so clearly over the last few months of the myriad reasons I was unhappy and wanted out. Apparently it has boiled down to "I want to party with my friends and you won't let me". Its comforting because every time I see this kind of unwillingness to understand I'm reminded of why I left and that it was a good decision.
The problem here is that she will tell her lawyer who will tell a judge that I'm an absentee father. This, being the 'grand ole south' is dubious, to say the least, of giving joint custody. At best they grant 50% visitation. I've toyed with the idea of 'reminding' her that I have just as much right to my son, our house, and our 'stuff' as she does but that I've chosen, for their sake, to essentially live in poverty. I could just as easily file for full custody as she could.
Now I'm bitching... The reality is, I don't think it will get ugly but its not working out as I'd hoped. Maybe I gave her too much credit, maybe I gave myself too much credit. We are what we are and, at the core of things, we're two people who couldn't get along in marriage. Why did I expect to start now?
This is apparently out of the question. She has decided that she's the "primary caregiver" and that somehow I was an absentee father so it would be disruptive to his schedule for him to be "shuffled around" so much. I don't know... I think that's a weak argument. I've told her I won't accept that schedule and asked that she please be considerate of everyone.
She made a comment that both caught me off guard and seemed to sum up our whole relationship. She said that the "root of our problem was that she was unhappy when I wasn't around". Taken in context this means that I was never around so she was always unhappy which is what led to my being unhappy (if you follow that bit of circular logic). Taken in another context, she thinks the root of our problems is my perception of her unhappiness with me. Or, said another way, that I was unhappy she wanted me at home.
I was both surprised and 'comforted' by this. I was surprised because I thought I had laid out my case so clearly over the last few months of the myriad reasons I was unhappy and wanted out. Apparently it has boiled down to "I want to party with my friends and you won't let me". Its comforting because every time I see this kind of unwillingness to understand I'm reminded of why I left and that it was a good decision.
The problem here is that she will tell her lawyer who will tell a judge that I'm an absentee father. This, being the 'grand ole south' is dubious, to say the least, of giving joint custody. At best they grant 50% visitation. I've toyed with the idea of 'reminding' her that I have just as much right to my son, our house, and our 'stuff' as she does but that I've chosen, for their sake, to essentially live in poverty. I could just as easily file for full custody as she could.
Now I'm bitching... The reality is, I don't think it will get ugly but its not working out as I'd hoped. Maybe I gave her too much credit, maybe I gave myself too much credit. We are what we are and, at the core of things, we're two people who couldn't get along in marriage. Why did I expect to start now?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
My Top 10 (or bottom 10)
It never fails that a band, being ultimately way more in to themselves than their fans are, notice that they haven't had any decent material in years, they release a greatest hits. Yes, Pearl Jam, I'm talking about you. I mean, the new stuff is good but you haven't had a solid album (that didn't make my conservative ears bleed from all the political crap) in 6 years. But, I digress.
Here's my greatest (and worst) blog entries. I hope you find joy in my neurosis...I know I have.
10. Dammit Katie Kouric (sic)
9. This must be the first sign of the apocalypse
8. Sniffles = Aneurysm
7. MSN Oddities
6. Making Up
5. How to deal with a hypochondriac
4. I am not made for the mountains
3. Aleve me Alone
2. Dr. Google, MD.
1. Fire Ants on a Mutha#%$&# Bike!!!
Whew...that was hard. Apparently I'm a much larger fan of my writing than most... It was odd to go through 2 years of posts and see how much (and how little) things have changed. It looks like I'll have to have a greatest hits volume II, B-sides.
Here's my greatest (and worst) blog entries. I hope you find joy in my neurosis...I know I have.
10. Dammit Katie Kouric (sic)
9. This must be the first sign of the apocalypse
8. Sniffles = Aneurysm
7. MSN Oddities
6. Making Up
5. How to deal with a hypochondriac
4. I am not made for the mountains
3. Aleve me Alone
2. Dr. Google, MD.
1. Fire Ants on a Mutha#%$&# Bike!!!
Whew...that was hard. Apparently I'm a much larger fan of my writing than most... It was odd to go through 2 years of posts and see how much (and how little) things have changed. It looks like I'll have to have a greatest hits volume II, B-sides.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Carpe Diem
Let me see if I can recap 2006:
Freaked out. Got a shrink. Began sitting in dark rooms "just being". Went to the Dr. Tried to kick the BP drug habit. Freaked out. Went back on the stuff. Went to the Dr. Took my BP a lot. Freaked out. Went to the Dr. Somehow got better. Got officially old. Freaked out. Got bitten by Ants. Went to the ER. Went to the Dr. Freaked out. Itched. Itched some more. Left my wife of 12 years. Became content.
There it is. 2006. Forever known as a pivotal year in my life. Much more happened (and is happening) than covered here. Even though I believe in honesty, even I can't be that honest all the time. I hope your year is as earthshattering as mine. Hopefully not for the same reasons.
I've always found it a shame that I've had almost 12000 days on this earth and I only remember a small handful. We spend our lives moving from one day we don't want to remember to another. Along the way we do things and meet people that carve out little slices of memories in our head but, by and large, our days are forgotten. Those days turn into years and those years turn in to complete lives.
The title of this post was also my quote under my senior picture in high school. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. In 1992 I had no diems to show for myself. In 2006 I carpe'd the hell out of the diem. I hope you can do the same.
Freaked out. Got a shrink. Began sitting in dark rooms "just being". Went to the Dr. Tried to kick the BP drug habit. Freaked out. Went back on the stuff. Went to the Dr. Took my BP a lot. Freaked out. Went to the Dr. Somehow got better. Got officially old. Freaked out. Got bitten by Ants. Went to the ER. Went to the Dr. Freaked out. Itched. Itched some more. Left my wife of 12 years. Became content.
There it is. 2006. Forever known as a pivotal year in my life. Much more happened (and is happening) than covered here. Even though I believe in honesty, even I can't be that honest all the time. I hope your year is as earthshattering as mine. Hopefully not for the same reasons.
I've always found it a shame that I've had almost 12000 days on this earth and I only remember a small handful. We spend our lives moving from one day we don't want to remember to another. Along the way we do things and meet people that carve out little slices of memories in our head but, by and large, our days are forgotten. Those days turn into years and those years turn in to complete lives.
The title of this post was also my quote under my senior picture in high school. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. In 1992 I had no diems to show for myself. In 2006 I carpe'd the hell out of the diem. I hope you can do the same.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Guilt: Part Deux
My son is asleep in the other room. This makes me both happy and a little anxious. At first, I was just happy to see him and get to spend time on my terms without having to worry about getting him "home". But as the evening has worn on, I've started thinking about how he's got two homes now. Tonight is the first night of his being a child of two single parents.
Up to this point, I've been very practical about the whole thing. My mom was a single mother and I turned out 'fine'. Fine being a relative term here. But I do worry. My apartment is small, he doesnt' have his own room, I live in a second floor apartment, I have a room mate, etc. All of these are things that are different from his 'other home'. I only expect this situation temporarily. I suspect I'll find a house to rent or buy next year once I've figured out how everything works.
I think, as in my last post, I'm feeling guilty for uprooting him from his home. Maybe more on all this later. Right now I don't seem to want to blog.
Up to this point, I've been very practical about the whole thing. My mom was a single mother and I turned out 'fine'. Fine being a relative term here. But I do worry. My apartment is small, he doesnt' have his own room, I live in a second floor apartment, I have a room mate, etc. All of these are things that are different from his 'other home'. I only expect this situation temporarily. I suspect I'll find a house to rent or buy next year once I've figured out how everything works.
I think, as in my last post, I'm feeling guilty for uprooting him from his home. Maybe more on all this later. Right now I don't seem to want to blog.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Guilt
I am racked with guilt. There's no other way to say it. The last conversation I had with my wife has taken a real toll on me and I'm struggling to deal with it. From my point of view, I'm all she's ever known. She's never had to be strong, never had to make tough decisions, never had to feel alone, never had to feel responsible for her well-being.
A couple months ago, these were character flaws. Now they causes for the extreme guilt I'm feeling. I think this might have been the root of my little 'episode' on Wednesday, and for being on the verge of an attack most of today. I keep seeing the look on her face. Seeing her try to come to grips with being alone "forever", which I'm sure is what it feels like. I've been reading a lot today on grieving and guilt in divorce and, in many ways, its helped, but its also hurt. Its hurt knowing that she's probably hurting even worse than I imagine she is.
She IM'd one of my friends today, one she never really talked to, to just basically ask for a prayer. I want to just make this better. I don't want to go back, but I want to be there for her. I just want to hug her and tell her we'll get through this. That we'll be friends again some day and that she'll find someone who loves her for her.
But that is my cross to bear. Because, I can't hug her. I can't console her. I can't talk to her in any way that might give her hope because if I do, I'll 'restart the clock' on her pain. Right now she's 1.5 weeks into me telling her to get a lawyer and that I want visitation. Even though I've been out of the house for 1.5 months, I think she was being led on by my constant presence at the house. I think she's just now really getting into the thick of it. In reality, talking to her would only make me feel better about myself.
The fact is, I caused the pain, and I have to accept that I will hurt, too. No one gets out of this alive... No one.
A couple months ago, these were character flaws. Now they causes for the extreme guilt I'm feeling. I think this might have been the root of my little 'episode' on Wednesday, and for being on the verge of an attack most of today. I keep seeing the look on her face. Seeing her try to come to grips with being alone "forever", which I'm sure is what it feels like. I've been reading a lot today on grieving and guilt in divorce and, in many ways, its helped, but its also hurt. Its hurt knowing that she's probably hurting even worse than I imagine she is.
She IM'd one of my friends today, one she never really talked to, to just basically ask for a prayer. I want to just make this better. I don't want to go back, but I want to be there for her. I just want to hug her and tell her we'll get through this. That we'll be friends again some day and that she'll find someone who loves her for her.
But that is my cross to bear. Because, I can't hug her. I can't console her. I can't talk to her in any way that might give her hope because if I do, I'll 'restart the clock' on her pain. Right now she's 1.5 weeks into me telling her to get a lawyer and that I want visitation. Even though I've been out of the house for 1.5 months, I think she was being led on by my constant presence at the house. I think she's just now really getting into the thick of it. In reality, talking to her would only make me feel better about myself.
The fact is, I caused the pain, and I have to accept that I will hurt, too. No one gets out of this alive... No one.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A peacful easy panic attack
Yesterday I finally got to see my son again. We went out and had a good guys night. Target, bowling, chicken nuggets, french fries, you know guy stuff. When I took him home, the wife was there and we started talking. I asked, again, for him to stay over night with me. All I got was a "I'll let you know". Fair enough...
I asked her if there was anything she needed to say after I wrote her the letter. Anything she disagreed with. We got into this long conversation about God and what she thinks we need to do to save the marriage. Lately this has consisted of:
Praying together
Devotionals
Christian Counseling
Letting God do whatever it is that God does in these situations
Don't get me wrong. I'm a believer. I'm not the best Christian but, then again, who is? But like I told her last night, God in our marriage has been like God in 'Days of Our Lives'. They're going around screwing, murdering, and just generally being bad people until Marlena gets possesed. Then all of a sudden John's a priest and everyone gets religion.
This has been the recurring theme. I get so fed up I want to leave, we pray. She gets fed up, I need to change. Apparently, I'm the only one that needs God in our marriage. But, I digress.
So when I got home, I went through the normal routine of getting ready for bed and then...it hit me. I was laying there and I just started panicking. Not like the 'get me our or I'll die' but I definitely got that feeling like I had last year at the Christmas party. My heart was pounding, I got hot, felt like I was short of breath, my chest tightened up, I started thinking I was having a heart attack. All of it.
I started thinking "who will I call now to save my life?". I have a room-mate but that would be wierd. Do I just call an ambulance directly? Am I wearing clean underwear? OK, I didn't think that last one but my Mom would kill me if I didn't say it.
So I laid there, eyes closed, and just breathed. Its the first time since I've been meditating that that has happened to me. The first time I've actually been able to put it to practice in a crisis. Seemed to work well enough. I'm not sure what the trigger was but I'm guessing I'm stressed out and, generally speaking, that's all it takes to get me going.
Any way, things are pretty good this morning. We'll see how the day goes. I'm hoping this isn't the beginning of an 'episode' but, if it is, I'll just take it one day at a time.
I asked her if there was anything she needed to say after I wrote her the letter. Anything she disagreed with. We got into this long conversation about God and what she thinks we need to do to save the marriage. Lately this has consisted of:
Praying together
Devotionals
Christian Counseling
Letting God do whatever it is that God does in these situations
Don't get me wrong. I'm a believer. I'm not the best Christian but, then again, who is? But like I told her last night, God in our marriage has been like God in 'Days of Our Lives'. They're going around screwing, murdering, and just generally being bad people until Marlena gets possesed. Then all of a sudden John's a priest and everyone gets religion.
This has been the recurring theme. I get so fed up I want to leave, we pray. She gets fed up, I need to change. Apparently, I'm the only one that needs God in our marriage. But, I digress.
So when I got home, I went through the normal routine of getting ready for bed and then...it hit me. I was laying there and I just started panicking. Not like the 'get me our or I'll die' but I definitely got that feeling like I had last year at the Christmas party. My heart was pounding, I got hot, felt like I was short of breath, my chest tightened up, I started thinking I was having a heart attack. All of it.
I started thinking "who will I call now to save my life?". I have a room-mate but that would be wierd. Do I just call an ambulance directly? Am I wearing clean underwear? OK, I didn't think that last one but my Mom would kill me if I didn't say it.
So I laid there, eyes closed, and just breathed. Its the first time since I've been meditating that that has happened to me. The first time I've actually been able to put it to practice in a crisis. Seemed to work well enough. I'm not sure what the trigger was but I'm guessing I'm stressed out and, generally speaking, that's all it takes to get me going.
Any way, things are pretty good this morning. We'll see how the day goes. I'm hoping this isn't the beginning of an 'episode' but, if it is, I'll just take it one day at a time.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Hey der, Hi der, Ho der...
The title of this post should be read with your best mid-western accent.
Nothing much to report lately. Of course you know what that means....a really super-long rambling post filled with obscure references and fake disease names. Anywho...
I had my first episode of divorce drama. I'll spare you the gory details but suffice it to say access to my son has become an issue. I keep telling myself that I expected it. And, in some respects, I expected her not to want to see me which would make it difficult for me to see him. But I think she's trying to make me "miss them" by making it difficult to see him. This, of course, is ill conceived because I know that I have time on my side and, I think, a measure of good karma. The good karma being that I'm not pushing back. I won't use my son or do anything to hurt him as long as I am capable.
This has really tested my ability to stay unemotional when dealing with her. I'm doing what I can to keep "emotion out and intellect in" but, to say the least, its a challenge. I don't want to say or do anything that might foster (more) resentment or ill will from a court. Its a fine line. Trying to fight for what is fair (access to my son) against someone whose not fighting fair.
I really think she's just lashing out. One of those 5 stages of grief or something. If one of the stages is evil...
P.S. That last line was a joke.
Nothing much to report lately. Of course you know what that means....a really super-long rambling post filled with obscure references and fake disease names. Anywho...
I had my first episode of divorce drama. I'll spare you the gory details but suffice it to say access to my son has become an issue. I keep telling myself that I expected it. And, in some respects, I expected her not to want to see me which would make it difficult for me to see him. But I think she's trying to make me "miss them" by making it difficult to see him. This, of course, is ill conceived because I know that I have time on my side and, I think, a measure of good karma. The good karma being that I'm not pushing back. I won't use my son or do anything to hurt him as long as I am capable.
This has really tested my ability to stay unemotional when dealing with her. I'm doing what I can to keep "emotion out and intellect in" but, to say the least, its a challenge. I don't want to say or do anything that might foster (more) resentment or ill will from a court. Its a fine line. Trying to fight for what is fair (access to my son) against someone whose not fighting fair.
I really think she's just lashing out. One of those 5 stages of grief or something. If one of the stages is evil...
P.S. That last line was a joke.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I now have "people"
I went to see a lawyer today. Interesting, to say the least. I couldn't get over how matter-of-fact they were about everyting. Its almost like they see divorcing people everyday. Then it ocurred to me...
As I sat there pouring my heart out to two complete (female) strangers, it struck me as odd how difficult it was to put in to terms why I left. I've been struggling with this off and on now for the last month. How do you tell someone you just don't like a person any more. It seems so petty and childish. Like I should say "nanny nanny boo boo" after it.
However, they seemed to get it (they being the paralegal and the attorney). I heard their respective stories about clients or their own personal divorce and they seemed like mine, just different. I guess in some ways its comforting to hear another's story, and, in some way, it makes me sad that I've become 'one of them'.
I never thought I be divorced. I mean, I dreamed up it for a long time but I never thought I'd actually leave. Let alone have a divorce lawyer.
As I sat there pouring my heart out to two complete (female) strangers, it struck me as odd how difficult it was to put in to terms why I left. I've been struggling with this off and on now for the last month. How do you tell someone you just don't like a person any more. It seems so petty and childish. Like I should say "nanny nanny boo boo" after it.
However, they seemed to get it (they being the paralegal and the attorney). I heard their respective stories about clients or their own personal divorce and they seemed like mine, just different. I guess in some ways its comforting to hear another's story, and, in some way, it makes me sad that I've become 'one of them'.
I never thought I be divorced. I mean, I dreamed up it for a long time but I never thought I'd actually leave. Let alone have a divorce lawyer.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Bring on the pain
I have the week off so I took the opportunity to stay with my son today. I also took the opportunity to respond to a letter my wife had written me. It was essentially a list of things she had 'failed' to do in our marriage. She had gift wrapped it and given it to me on Christmas eve. All along (this past month) I've been operating under the guise that I could provide her some normalcy during the holidays by not making too many changes.
I've tried to insulate her from my comings and goings, moving into the apartment, address changes, etc. I would also show up every morning to take my son to school. The idea being her schedule wouldn't have to change and neither would his. However, I'm thinking all this was a mistake. I won't bother giving details as to why I think this but, obviously, I was giving mixed signals.
That ended today. When I responded I laid things out very clearly that I was moving forward with the separation, that we should both get lawyers, how I wanted to work the finances, my prefered schedule with my son, etc. This was all in the hopes that she would get the picture. I'm so afraid of being hurtful and ruining our ability to be 'friendly if not friends' in front of our son, that I may have gone too far the other way.
I have an appointment with a lawyer in the morning. I will be as honest about everything as I can in hopes that she will better represent me. I asked the wife that she consider the fact that she knows what I make, and what I'm able to give, and that she chooses a past which is least costly in both financial and emotional terms.
I hope she does...
I hesitate to write this but, I need to tell someone. It also appears that my doctor called the house and left a message that one of the dosages of my medication needs to be changed based on the recent visit. I have it on pretty good authority that she purposefully didn't give me this message in an effort to...teach me a lesson, I guess.
In a way its completely forgivable because she's hurting and we don't make clear decisions when we hurt. But, this isn't a car payment or a message from a friend. This is a medical issue. She doesn't know what I take or why I take it and, as far as she knows, this is something to control my blood pressure or who knows what. Not to mention the fact that of all my 'issues' my health is by far the largest concern I have. To use that against me, in any way, no matter how small, seems unforgivable.
On that point, and I hope you'll understand this, I'd rather not receive any comments. I'm fully aware of the gambit of responses that could be given and I don't want to assign malice where there is none. I just needed to get it out there.
Thanks for listening.
I've tried to insulate her from my comings and goings, moving into the apartment, address changes, etc. I would also show up every morning to take my son to school. The idea being her schedule wouldn't have to change and neither would his. However, I'm thinking all this was a mistake. I won't bother giving details as to why I think this but, obviously, I was giving mixed signals.
That ended today. When I responded I laid things out very clearly that I was moving forward with the separation, that we should both get lawyers, how I wanted to work the finances, my prefered schedule with my son, etc. This was all in the hopes that she would get the picture. I'm so afraid of being hurtful and ruining our ability to be 'friendly if not friends' in front of our son, that I may have gone too far the other way.
I have an appointment with a lawyer in the morning. I will be as honest about everything as I can in hopes that she will better represent me. I asked the wife that she consider the fact that she knows what I make, and what I'm able to give, and that she chooses a past which is least costly in both financial and emotional terms.
I hope she does...
I hesitate to write this but, I need to tell someone. It also appears that my doctor called the house and left a message that one of the dosages of my medication needs to be changed based on the recent visit. I have it on pretty good authority that she purposefully didn't give me this message in an effort to...teach me a lesson, I guess.
In a way its completely forgivable because she's hurting and we don't make clear decisions when we hurt. But, this isn't a car payment or a message from a friend. This is a medical issue. She doesn't know what I take or why I take it and, as far as she knows, this is something to control my blood pressure or who knows what. Not to mention the fact that of all my 'issues' my health is by far the largest concern I have. To use that against me, in any way, no matter how small, seems unforgivable.
On that point, and I hope you'll understand this, I'd rather not receive any comments. I'm fully aware of the gambit of responses that could be given and I don't want to assign malice where there is none. I just needed to get it out there.
Thanks for listening.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Mr. Clean tries to kill me
I was in the process of taking a shower (and for anyone else with compulsive tendencies, you know what I mean by process). I had just gotten to step 8 in the process. This comes after rinsing my hair and before turning the water off. This is basically the step were I stand under the shower and just waste water. Yeah, I said it, waste water.
Anyway. All of a sudden I get this odd taste in my mouth. Its something between Mr. Clean and lemon-aide. This, to say the least, was quite 'disconcerting'. For those who are unfamiliar with the less common usage of this word, the Oxford dictionary defines it as:
is quite simple. In medical school (read: Google) we learned the following:
Anyway. All of a sudden I get this odd taste in my mouth. Its something between Mr. Clean and lemon-aide. This, to say the least, was quite 'disconcerting'. For those who are unfamiliar with the less common usage of this word, the Oxford dictionary defines it as:
disconcerting |ˌdiskənˈsərti ng | adjective causing one to feel unsettledThere is also a little known usage:
disconcerting |ˌdiskənˈsərti ng | adjective causing one to freak the f&^k outTurns out, this is the one I used. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking the cause of this could be. OK, I know exactly what I was thinking. Stroke. How I came to this conclusion
is quite simple. In medical school (read: Google) we learned the following:
- If its in your chest, its a heart attack
- If its lumpy, its cancer
- Anything else is a stroke
- Smile
- Move your fingers
- Move your toes
- Roll your eyes
- Say your name
Friday, December 22, 2006
And the drama begins
I've debated seriously for some time about posting this. Even as I type it I keep telling myself that I will most likely delete it before its posted. I really fear many of you will lose respect for me even though, personally, I am happier each day about the decision. So, here goes.
I've met someone.
Wow, that was a little scary to type. The someone is a friend of mine that was helpful in making decisions lately. She is pretty much the same age, same socioeconomic (yeah, check that word out!) status, and is divorced with two children who are roughly the same age as my son. I feel the need to go back and state this for my benefit and yours. We in no way, neither expressed nor implied, had anything other than a platonic friendship before I left my wife. I can't stress this enough.
I think the reason I can't stress this enough is because, in a way, I'm trying to convince myself that I didn't leave my wife for another woman. I've said it before, I know I left her for "somebody" but, even now, I'm content in knowing that I didn't leave for a specific person. However, I think I might have left her for someone like this.
Now, before you fire up your keyboards telling me about rebounds, about how soon it is, about how I don't really know what I want, let me say that I know. I know all of that. I'm aware that this has little chance of working out in the long run. But, in some way, I know that this, whatever it is, feels really right.
Besides the boost in ego that I might actually be capable of loving and being loved again, there's something to be said for not being lonely while your...well...lonely. All the advice I get says that I should 'take some time to figure out who I am' which sounds good, but, in reality I don't understand. I mean, I know who I am, it says so on my license. So lets assume they mean so I can figure out what I really want.
That's easy. To be happy. This person is making me very happy.
Maybe it is too soon. Maybe I'm putting myself in danger of a difficult divorce if the wife finds out. Maybe I will just end up hurting myself and this person. But, the whole reason I left was because I believed (and still believe) that taking a chance on finding someone new was worth leaving my life as I know it. I just didn't expect to meet someone so soon or that that person might be someone I already knew.
Life has a funny way of working out. Of course, it also has a funny way of crashing in fiery balls of death. This could get interesting...
I've met someone.
Wow, that was a little scary to type. The someone is a friend of mine that was helpful in making decisions lately. She is pretty much the same age, same socioeconomic (yeah, check that word out!) status, and is divorced with two children who are roughly the same age as my son. I feel the need to go back and state this for my benefit and yours. We in no way, neither expressed nor implied, had anything other than a platonic friendship before I left my wife. I can't stress this enough.
I think the reason I can't stress this enough is because, in a way, I'm trying to convince myself that I didn't leave my wife for another woman. I've said it before, I know I left her for "somebody" but, even now, I'm content in knowing that I didn't leave for a specific person. However, I think I might have left her for someone like this.
Now, before you fire up your keyboards telling me about rebounds, about how soon it is, about how I don't really know what I want, let me say that I know. I know all of that. I'm aware that this has little chance of working out in the long run. But, in some way, I know that this, whatever it is, feels really right.
Besides the boost in ego that I might actually be capable of loving and being loved again, there's something to be said for not being lonely while your...well...lonely. All the advice I get says that I should 'take some time to figure out who I am' which sounds good, but, in reality I don't understand. I mean, I know who I am, it says so on my license. So lets assume they mean so I can figure out what I really want.
That's easy. To be happy. This person is making me very happy.
Maybe it is too soon. Maybe I'm putting myself in danger of a difficult divorce if the wife finds out. Maybe I will just end up hurting myself and this person. But, the whole reason I left was because I believed (and still believe) that taking a chance on finding someone new was worth leaving my life as I know it. I just didn't expect to meet someone so soon or that that person might be someone I already knew.
Life has a funny way of working out. Of course, it also has a funny way of crashing in fiery balls of death. This could get interesting...
Monday, December 18, 2006
How would I know when to panic?
I just had to link this one
MONTREAL — A 65-year-old Quebec man who received a new long-term mechanical heart last month is being described as the only living Canadian without a pulse.
Touche, Lacy, touche
I was schooled on the fact that I had been derelict in my duties as a reciprocal commenter on others' blogs. So, to your quid pro quo I say, "mea culpa". I immediately went comment crazy on some blogs and the karma kicked in yesterday. Anywho.
This weekend was a little rough. The parents came in and stayed at the house with the wife. This is awkward to say the least. My mom has been great but is obviously troubled by all this. She's never been a touchy feely person but all weekend she would put her hand on on me or squeeze a shoulder, rub my cheek, or something. On a somewhat related note, I had another conversation with the wife. Nothing new to report. After our talk I hugged her and she just cried for a while.
I say these are related because I noticed an odd thing with both of them. I felt cold. There was no emotion other than the empathy you have when you see someone hurting. And, in both cases, I wanted to run. I couldn't stand the contact from my mother and I kept waiting for the hug to end with the wife.
This is not like me. I'm an affectionate person, usually. I'm sure there's some root cause to this. Maybe I'm not dealing with some issue and the contact is bringing that up and I'm panicking. I'm more than a little worried that I'll come off as cold for saying these things in public but, in reality I feel cold. And I believe in calling a spade a spade.
Right now, I'm a spade.
This weekend was a little rough. The parents came in and stayed at the house with the wife. This is awkward to say the least. My mom has been great but is obviously troubled by all this. She's never been a touchy feely person but all weekend she would put her hand on on me or squeeze a shoulder, rub my cheek, or something. On a somewhat related note, I had another conversation with the wife. Nothing new to report. After our talk I hugged her and she just cried for a while.
I say these are related because I noticed an odd thing with both of them. I felt cold. There was no emotion other than the empathy you have when you see someone hurting. And, in both cases, I wanted to run. I couldn't stand the contact from my mother and I kept waiting for the hug to end with the wife.
This is not like me. I'm an affectionate person, usually. I'm sure there's some root cause to this. Maybe I'm not dealing with some issue and the contact is bringing that up and I'm panicking. I'm more than a little worried that I'll come off as cold for saying these things in public but, in reality I feel cold. And I believe in calling a spade a spade.
Right now, I'm a spade.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Where ma peeps at?
I'm lonely with so few comments lately. Not sure why considering I write this for myself but its nice to know people are out there. Of course, I see people looking at the site (I track it with Google Analytics)
Anyway, I had a bit of an episode the other day. I forgot to take my medication until very late two days in a row. That is extremely odd for me. The first day seemed like no big deal. I just took it at like 6PM (instead of my usualy 8AM) and went on about my business. The next day wasn't so easy. I remembered at 4PM and took it then. This got me. I immediately started feeling like my head was throbbing while walking up the stairs to my office. Not a good time.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen. Maybe I thought I was going to have a heart attack...or maybe
I was just walking up a flight of stairs. Either way, it scared me. Its the first time that's happened in a while. I've been so pre-occupied with everything else I haven't had time to worry about whether my wrist was throbbing too much or if that spot on my lip was cancer or some cereal from breakfast. Idle minds are the hypochondriacs workshop.
On the other front, things are going well. I've moved in to an apartment (the room mate moves in tomorrow) and got some furniture delivered. Its starting to feel like home. Of course, my car started to feel like home.
Maybe I have a distorted sense of home...
Anyway, I had a bit of an episode the other day. I forgot to take my medication until very late two days in a row. That is extremely odd for me. The first day seemed like no big deal. I just took it at like 6PM (instead of my usualy 8AM) and went on about my business. The next day wasn't so easy. I remembered at 4PM and took it then. This got me. I immediately started feeling like my head was throbbing while walking up the stairs to my office. Not a good time.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen. Maybe I thought I was going to have a heart attack...or maybe
I was just walking up a flight of stairs. Either way, it scared me. Its the first time that's happened in a while. I've been so pre-occupied with everything else I haven't had time to worry about whether my wrist was throbbing too much or if that spot on my lip was cancer or some cereal from breakfast. Idle minds are the hypochondriacs workshop.
On the other front, things are going well. I've moved in to an apartment (the room mate moves in tomorrow) and got some furniture delivered. Its starting to feel like home. Of course, my car started to feel like home.
Maybe I have a distorted sense of home...
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