I haven't written in a while

Sorry.  Its been busy.  Let me get this little tidbit out.  I had an 'epiphany' this morning while I was meditating.  You ready for it?

I'm closer to 50 than I am to 16.

Yeah, earth shattering.  Up to now, I've sort of consoled myself with the idea that I'm not so old.  I'd tell myself "I was 18 just 10 years ago" or "I was 12 just 15 years ago".  Not any more.

I apparently wise man told me once that if you want to know if you're old take your age and multiply it by two.  If you don't think you'll make it, you're old.

32 x 2 = 64

Its borderline.  I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and I'm overweight.  I also apparently have some sort of wiggly tail on one of my cholesterol  molecules that might as well be made of arsenic.

I also am a vegetarian, and I get more exercise than one person should, and recently, I've been keeping the stress real low.  I'm hoping its a wash.

However, by my formula, I only have about 6 or 7 more years of not being old.  So there.  How's that for depressing?

However, considering I'm 7 years away from old, I feel pretty good.  I'm sure that's a symptom of something.  I need to look that up.  "Feeling good even though you're almost old".

I have this vein in my forehead

And I don't like it.  I mean, I like having a vein in my forehead 'cause the alternative is my forehead would die and fall off.  I can't imagine that would impress either the ladies or make it easy to wear a baseball cap.  But, I digress...

Its a recent "discovery".  This means that its probably been there for some time but I've just now noticed it because my hairline has receeded far enough.  I guess I shouldn't say I don't "like" it.  Its not that it bothers me.  The fact is its an easy way to check my pulse.  Yes, this is psychotic.  I have no reason to find an easier access method to checking my pulse.  But, I find I spend much of the day with my hand up there just sort of feeling my pulse.

Its at the same time scary (as I've stated before, I don't like be reminded of things, like my heart, that can "break") and reasuring.  As if, somehow, my heart would stop and I wouldn't know it for an extended period of time...

I'm such a mess.

Aleve me alone.

For the past week I've been fighting a cold.  Well maybe the flu.  Or cancer.  I haven't decided.  It started with some general flu-like stuff and then morphed into somthing like allergies combined with ebola.  Without all the bleeding.

In order to combat this, I've resorted to taking drugs.  Nothing too powerfull.  A Theraflu here, a Dayquil there, some random cough medicine, etc.  I even resorted to the nuclear option.  Aleve Cold & Sinus.  This is like using a flame thrower to cook a hot dog.  Not only did it dry up my sinuses, but I think it removed all the water from my bladder and lowered the relative humidity in whatever room I was in.

I didn't realize I could be that dry.  I felt like that 1000 year old guy in the Twilight Zone that finally saw his picture and disintegrated into dust...without all the 1950s special effects, though.

The Aleve part worked pretty well too.  I think I may have accidentally removed a pan from the oven without an oven mitt and not noticed it.

This stuff should be a controlled substance.

Narci...Nar...Narcisi...I'm Vain

I started this blog a while back as a supposed way to document my 'trials'.  I think even I couldn't believe that I was this messed up.  The goal was to sort of track my mental state so that I could go back and remind myself that it was all in my head.

Somehow along the way it went from something for me to something I hope other people read.  I don't know why or how.  I think I just want to know that I'm not alone and to make other people feel the same way.

Of course, that all sounds very selfless and of course, its not.  A lot of times when I sit down to write an entry, I have no idea what I'm going to do.  That's usually because I've forgotten what I had planned to write between the time I decide to write it and the time the web site loads.  Maybe if I stopped to think about it, I'd be worried that was a sign of Alzheimer's or something.

I've also noticed that I rarely have a point.  This is how I operate.  This also seems to be how I handle being a hypochondriac.  Its just a blur of diagnosis that have nothing in common and no rhyme or reason.

So, if you are reading this, I appreciate it.  I hope it helps you.  I know it helps me.

The book

I've been reading a book called http://tinyurl.com/jdmy5">The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death..  Its really very funny.  So far.  It does mention a lot of diseases but sort of in the way I do, poking fun at the obsurdity of them, the medical proffesion, and all things hypochondriacal.

At this point in the book he actually mentions the Doctor I linked to below in Europe that deals specifically with people like me (us?).  Only shortly and for a laugh, but it was ironic to see it.

He relay's an anecdote that I have to share.  It so perfectly describes the hypochondriac mind that it could be written about me (maybe with a different symptom).

The story goes that a man went to see his doctor complaining that he had a frog in his stomach and it was making him ill.  They performed every kind of test available at the time and found nothing.  However, the man wasn't assured.  So they devised a...procedure...to rid him of the frog.

They gave him something to make him vomit and when he did, at that instant the doctor threw a frog into the bedpan.  Having been cured, the man went home happy as could be.  And the doctor thought it was over.

Unfortunately the next day the man showed up and informed the doctor that they were too late.  They didn't get the frog out in time and it had had babies...

This is me.  This is how I work.  I get a 'cure' and I get a new disease.  Its a tough life, having frogs in your stomach...

My cold

Suprisingly, I've not been too consumed by my cold/flu/mumps.  I've realy felt like crap the last few days but even though all medical literature says to go to a doctor if your sore throat lasts longer than 2 days, I don't seem to feel the need to.

I mean, I'm worried about it.  Especially after this mornings Today Show Special Series entitled "How to scare the holy hell out of you".  I think maybe they call it thier health update.  They were talking about the mumps outbreak that's been going around the Midwest.

I'd imagine I'd know if I had the mumps cause I'd look like a blowfish with a stuck valve.  So, with the exception of the occasional "maybe I have strep throat" I seem to not be concerned about my health.

This is new.  Sort of.  That's what's funny about me.  I can take being really sick.  As I've said previously, I hate being sick cause it reminds me I'm not super human but the actual act of being sick is nothing more than a nuissance usually.  Its the fear of the unknown sickness.  More on this in the next post.

Good Link

I just wanted to get this link down now. Maybe I'll write more about it later today. I've read it a few times before and its interesting to hear of a doctor who actuall seeks out hypochondriacs. I haven't looked to see if he's still in practice or making progress, but its interesting, nonetheless.

Solving a Mystery in Medicine

Superman gets a cold

I don't think its a matter of thinking I'm really sick that bothers me any more.  I think its a matter of being any form of sick at all that bothers me.  That somehow even being a little sick (like my current sore throat and general sinus badness) is proof that I'm not invincible.

Of course, I've never though I was but I think being sick is a tengible reminder that I can (and will be) incurably sick at some point.  I'm hoping this will be when I'm 110 years old but, we shall see.

The point is, being sick is a reminder that I'm mortal.  I don't like that.  I prefer to think I'll always be as healthy as I am.  I know that's a stupid notion considering the high blood pressure, cholesterol and whatever else I think I have.  I just don't need such a slap in the face.

I have a cold...or cancer, I can't tell

I was feeling fine on Saturday.  I went to class and went for a bike ride.  Pretty normal routine.  At around 7 o'clock at night i got a sore throat.  I mean like almost immediately.  At first I thought it might be some sort of off shellfish poisoning (you can never be too sure of clams).  Yes, you read that correctly, I thought clams caused my sore throat.

Anyway, I woke up about 3AM with a horrible sore throat, headache, sines problems, you name it.  I took some Nyquil to get back to sleep but ended up staying in bed 'till noon.  This is VERY unlike me.  I'm usually up a 6:30 on Sundays for a long ride.

All day I just bumed around not doing anything really.  I tool some Dayquil which, of course, says if you have high blood pressure you shouldn't take it.  Or, at least, you should ask your doctor.  I have asked my doctor in the past and he said it was no big deal.  In my mind, however, this sounds like "It's no big deal, unless you don't want to die."

So this morning I started googling cures for a sore throat.  Gargling with salt water, tea, cayeene pepper, you name it.  As I've mentioned before, though, there's a side effect of googling anything medical.  It also turns out that a sore throat could be any number of maladies that, if left untreated, could lead to all kinds of crazy things...

I understand the need for medical literature to be complete, but is it really necessary to say things like "it could be a cold, or cancer"?

Katie delivers the goods

I neglected to mention that I owe Katie Couric a big thanks for quitting today. I got about 10x the hits I normally do. All from people who can't spell her name. Well, I'm sure at least one of them thinks that bump on their nose is botulism. So to you I say Welcome!

Breathing causes death

I saw this story yesterday on The Today Show about how grilled (specifically charred) meat can cause cancer.  Apparently they've now found a cure for all other illnesses, poverty, global warming, baldness, and athlete's foot and are now focusing on the only medical mysteries left on the planet.

Seriously, who are these people who research this crap? Why do they have grant money to study grilled steak?  Are they the same people that got money to study why hot pizza burns the roof of your mouth?

The fact is that you can never positively show a link between illness and things like this.  I'll tell you why.  1 in 3 get cancer.  So odds are that most of those 1 in 3 who get cancer eat grilled meat.  However, most of the 2 in 3 who don't get cancer eat grilled meat.

This is the same logic that proves breathing air causes prostate cancer.  I mean absolutely 100% of everyone with prostate cancer breathes air!  100%!!!!!!  How can we let this happen!?!?!?!?!

Spring has sprung

The weather this weekend was excellent. That always leads to me feeling better. Its not like my emotions are tied to the wether. To the contrary sometimes weather can have a negative affect on me. Like when its nice outside and I'm having a 'moment' and it just reminds me bad it sucks to not be happy its nice outside.

That seemed like circular logic somehow.

Anywho, I went on a couple really good bike rides. Went to the zoo with the family. Went to a party for some friends that got married. All in all, a good weekend. Compared to 6 months ago, it was an excellent weekend. I can't help thinking that I'm somehow becoming bi-polar. Not in the normal sense where my emotions flip constantly but in a more broad sense.

Its like I can be trolling along all happy and everything is flowers and blue birds and then BLAMO! something as small as a sniffle and I'm curled up on the couch deciding who gets my worldly possesions when I die of the case of Beri Beri I somehow contracted.