Test Anxiety

As you may or may not know, my personal brand of nuttiness has to do with my blood pressure. When I was 24 I was told in the emergency room that I had high blood pressure (doesn't everyone). Now for the most part when I take it at home its normal. And even the doctor acknowledges that my high BP isn't that high, its just above 'normal'.

So for years I just accepted that it was high in the Dr. office and that I was OK. I say accepted. What I mean is, I didn't freak the f**k out every time I thought about it. For most people accepted means "I don't think about it". For me it means "I don't think about it more than 30% of the time I'm obsessing about something". Hey, its a small victory...

Anyway, the Dr. I got after I moved had differing opinions. After my second check up he furled his brow (I think. I'm not real sure what furling is) and said he wanted to give me medication. First visit. Second visit he was even more adamant. Anyway, short story long, he freaked me out. From that point on my BP has been a problem. Normal at home but ever higher in his office.

This is like a car that won't make that noise in front of the mechanic. Except, that its in reverse. I used to think the my problem was the Dr. Then they started having the nurse take it. Then I thought it was the nurse. So they started just leaving me alone in a room with the machine. That didn't work either. I'm starting to see that this is like test anxiety. That feeling you get right before the SAT or your driver's test. For some reason I get the feeling that I'm going to 'fail' the test of blood pressure. Of course, this only makes my blood pressure go up so I do fail. I thought about having one of those 24 hour monitors but I think that would just be 24 hours of anxiety.

Its like I need someone to sneak up on me and take my blood pressure. I wonder if I can hire someone to do that?

Man, my therapist is gonna write a book.