Minor incident

I had a minor incident yesterday.  Not too bad but a small set back.  I forgot to take my meds until about 2PM.  This didn't bother me too much.  I just took them and that was that...sorta.

I did think about it a bit.  Well, a lot, but not so much that I freaked out like last time and ran into the bathroom to take my BP.  I did still take my BP and it was a little high (although I dispute the results on the grounds that I don't like them...)

So, of course, I took it again.  This time it was perfect.  So, its an improvement.  Not a big one.  There was no freak out and I was able to control myself pretty well.

That being said, today I had a spaz.  I had this pain in my elbow.  Sort of on the outside of it.  When I looked down at it I noticed my pulse right above my elbow.  And what do all good hypochondriacs think?

Aneurysm.

Damn skippy.  I mean, if you can see your pulse, you're probably already dying.  You've heard this time and time again.  Words like "pulsatile mass" and "big beating blobby thing" (ok, maybe I made that one up) are the stock and trade of aneurysms.

Of course, when I realized I could see the same "pulsatile mass) on my other arm and it was really nowhere near the "pain" in my elbow, I calmed down.

Well, sorta.

feh

Not much to report today.  I called and confirmed my Dr. appointment yesterday.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm pretty certain he'll still say my blood pressure is high (cause I'll be freaking out) but at this point I'm hoping I'll be OK with it.  The last few times I've checked it its been realy good.

I've been trying to come up with a game plan (again) for the visit.  Some sort of relaxation while I'm there.  Maybe even trying to meditate while I'm waiting for him.  The problem is that eventually he's going to walk in the room and that will totally freak me out.

I'm getting a little nervous just writting this.  Either way though, like the therapist says, it is what it is.  I can't base my health, positive or negative, on a number.

It sounds good while I'm typing it.  Ask me if I believe it on June 7th.

The cure for hypochondria

I finished reading the book "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death." today.  I have to admit it was pretty good.  Yes its filled with all kinds of crazy diseases and ways to "check" yourself.  So, if you're in a bad place right now, I don't recommend it.  However, if you can stomach reading about diseases then I'd really recommend it.

The author says he's found the cure for hypochondria and gives his version of it at the end.  I don't want to spoil it but its something I've alluded to here in the past.  There are two cures for hypochondria I think.  His (which I won't name) and death.

That's not as bleak as it seems.  Of the diseases of the psyche that you can have, ours is one of the least.  Constant worry isn't fun but its bearable.  It doesn't make you want to wear your underwear on your feet or climg the top of a bell tower and shoot at "demons".  This is a good thing.

First, I wear boxers and how would you keep those on your feet?  Second, I don't own a gun and I'm pretty sure that if you shot a demon he wouldn't notice it.  I mean, he's a demon...

Well, I digress.  Anyway.  Its a good book.  It has some actual laugh out loud moments.  One of my favorite is while he's getting an abdominal ultrasound and has a freak-out moment.  I laughed.  Try explaining that to your wife when she hears laughter coming from the bathroom.

Interesting quote

I don't know if he made it up or if its a quote.  But its very interesting and I thought I'd pass it on.  An instructor of mine said this in class the other night.

"Hell begins when God grants you the clarity to see the things you could have done, the things you should have done, or the time you've wasted."

It really struck a chord with me.  I don't know of the clarity is a gift or curse from God as we age.  I've often wondered if the reason we sleep less the older we get is a subconcious recognition of our running out of time.

There are many things I should have done, and maybe a few things I could have done.  But there is countless time that I've wasted.  Much of it on worry.  It seems counterintuitive really.  To waste so much of my life worrying about losing said life (or even more ironically, shortening it).

My sore throat

I still have it.  Its wierd (weird?  I can never spell that right).  Its not really a sore throat so much as a sore throat and tongue.  This is how I know I'm getting better.  I'm worried about it but not frealing.  I just googled "chronic sore throat" and didn't focus when it said "cancer".

Of course, it always says cancer.  Just for grins, I googled "green eyelids".  The third link took me to a sight called wrongdiagnosis.com in which it linked me to all sorts of maladies of the eye including, yup you guessed it, cancer.

I guess that will never change.  Glad to know I am.

I'm afraid I'm getting cocky.  This usually happens to me at some point.  I start thinking that I'm "cured" and I start acting like there's nothing wrong with me.  This, you'd think, would be the goal of a hypochondriac, to be just like everyone else.

The problem is, that I'm not cured.  At some point, I'm going to lose it.  I'll be walking along and hear about how bad breath can be a sign of foot cancer and then bam, my foot will start hurting.  I don't know if this is because I let my gaurd down or if this is just how it is.

The flip side though is that I'm a mental basket case.  That's no good either.  I need to find a line between full on freak out and "what is hypochondria"?  Something that will let me remain cautiously optimistic.

Either that or I need more Zoloft...

A floor wax and desert topping

I was walking through the local Super Mega Giganto-Mart this weekend and saw the holy grail of pills.  The combined CoQ10 Fish Oil pill.

If science is right (and it always is...until they prove them selves wrong) this pill should add somewhere between 1 and 79 years to my life.  Not only will it increase my cardiac output, lower my blood pressure and improve my mental state but it will also give me a pleasant fishy tasting burp!

I mean, what else could you ask for?  prolonged life AND a fishy burp!?!?!  Where do I sign up?

Not much to say

Not a lot is going on right now.  That's a good thing.  It seems that my normal rise and fall of nuttiness is in 'remission' right now.

That's a good thing.  I'm really busy with riding and work and all sorts of other things.  Maybe that's actually why I'm not obsessing.  I've read that hypochondria is a disease of the wealthy.

I'm by no means weathly, but I don't have a whole lot to worry about either.  Its not as if I'm worried that a dingo will eat my baby or I'll get a sore tooth and die from it.  I think when you have real things to worry about, you don't have the luxury to worry about your health.

Imagine that.  Worry as a luxury.  Its one I'd gladly give up.

It didn't work out so well

Sorry for the delay again, things have been busy. Its no excuse. Well, I guess, it is in an excuse but not a good one. Anywho. My son had his 2 year birthday party this weekend. All seemed well at first. Then I realized I had forgotten to take my blood pressure medication. Now, this stuff takes at least 36 hours or more to get out of your system, and it had only been 30 or so. Yet somehow I found myself in panic mode. And we all know what hapens in panic mode...I take my blood pressure. Lo and behold its high.

The rational person would see this as a sign that I was panicking. That's the rational person. I wish I knew that guy so I could call him and ask him if he knew he had a 1 in 50 chance of dying right...NOW! I imagine he wouldn't be so rational then.

Anyway. The embarassing part is that while I had a house full of people I worked myself up into such a tizzy (whatever that is) that I snuck off to the bathroom to take my blood pressure. It might as well been heroin. If you think about it, its the same motions. You tighten this strap around your arm and then you push a button and you wait. Its addictive. I hate it but I can't stop.

That's the negative part. the positive part is, it didn't ruin my day. I sort of acknowledged that it was high and then moved on (eventually). By the end of the day I had almost forgotten it. Yeah, right.

Of course I had to check it this morning and, of course, everything was hunkie dorie (again, whatever that is).

So I guess on the bright side, I didn't go straight to bed and curl up in a ball and wait for a stroke. Somehow, that's an improvement...