A horse by any other color

I meant to post this a while back but haven't gotten around to it.  Once day I was having a discussion about whether a zebra was a black horse with white stripes or a white horse with black stripes.  To most people there is no distinction.   Its just a striped horse.

This brought about the existential question (you knew there had to be one), "am I a sane person feeling sick or a sick person feeling sane?"  I've had some really good months since I left the house.  I actually got bitten by two fire ants recently and, surprisingly, I didn't die.  Of either the bites or panic.  It wasn't the best few hours of my life, waiting for impending doom, but I got over it.

Things have been going well otherwise.  Job is good, relationships are good, kid is good, its all good.  Hope all of you are doing the same.

P.S.  According to Wikipedia, zebras are black with white stripes.  Who knew?

So there I was

Where to start...  Lots has happened since I wrote last.  OK, somehow that last sentence doesn't seem grammatically correct.  Lots have happened?  A lot has happened since I written last?  I've written.  Lemme start over.



A lots has happened since I've wrotten last.  Where to begin...



The Doctor Visit:



So there I was...  Actually it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  I started stressing about it on Friday (the appointment was on Tuesday) but then quickly let it drop.  When I got there I was nervous but manageable.  When he started to take my BP of course I freaked out.  He says, "lets just sit here for a minute.  So I did.  When he took it again he said, "That's what I thought...".  So, of course, I say "um...what does that mean? What was it?".  To which he responds, "The first time I took it you looked like you'd seen a ghost."  To which I responded, "I did and the ghost is that thing you put on my arm".  He didn't find it funny.



My Butt Aneurysm:



This is a short one.  I'm on my way somewhere in my car and suddenly I realize that my butt (actually my butt-back connector, you might call it a "hip") was starting to go numb.  Not numb so much but almost like it was tingling.  I started to freak a little bit.  Then it started to feel more like a vibration.  It was my cell phone...



The Migraine:



This one's a little more serious.  My "friend" is a rather fit 33 year old woman.  She works out daily with a trainer and could outrun me with one leg tied behind her back.  But, after one of her workouts she made a comment that one of her ears was clogged up and she chocked it up to her "blood pressure being high from the workout".  This is of course junk science but, god bless her, she's trying.  How ever, the mere mention of the words blood pressure is enough to get me a little panicky.  Then she sends me an IM about 5 minutes later saying that she's seeing spots.  Like a large red pulsating blob in the middle of her vision in both eyes.



I'm starting to freak a bit more and, frankly, so is she.  Then it gets bad.  She starts to lose the ability to type and comprehend words.  Words like "may" and "work".  She forgets her ex-husbands name and where he works.  I start thinking about getting her to the ER but she tells me that this has happened once before and it was ruled a migraine after a trip to the ER and a complete workup by a neurologist.  At some point her fingers and toes begin to go numb and she starts slurring her words.



This is scary.  She insisted that this was a migraine and, it seems, all the 'literature' (spelled G-O-O-G-L-E) seemed to agree.  Then as quick as it came, it was gone.  Within an hour everything was back to normal except she was having a little trouble getting words out quickly.  Today, no effects whatsoever.  I made her get an appointment with her doctor and he decided to send her to a neurologist.  This, of course, has her somewhat upset with me because she doesn't want to go through all of this again.



Two things about this story stuck out to me.  The first is how ignorant people can be of their own health.  I've known for a long time that "healthy" people underestimate their risk for disease.  I also know that the definition of a healthy person is one who hasn't had a thorough medical workup.  What really got me was her lack of fear and panic about her situation.  The other thing that got me was my fear and panic about the situation.



I wasn't afraid for her, I was just afraid.  It was the same feelings and emotions I have when I'm having a "crisis" but it wasn't me and it wasn't about me.  It had me using my same old tricks.  Telling myself that I could just as easily get hit by a bus as get sick.  Meditating.  Do things to distract myself.  Using all the little tricks the therapist taught me.



But this wasn't about me.  It was about her.



I don't know what this means.  Maybe I was scared for her and it was just how I dealt with it.  Make it about me.  To some extent I think I scared her into going to the doctor and, frankly, that's unfair.  She wasn't scared until I scared her.  I'm afraid of putting her through the same things I put my wife through.  To a large extent I'm "better".  But "better" is not cured.  There is always the chance for a melt-down and I'm afraid to have that happen.



The Crash:



I wrecked my bike.  Again.  This time I don't even have a cool story.  I was alone in a parking lot on a perfectly sunny day with no cars or obstructions.  And I fell.  I am a dork.  Road rash sucks.  The wound itself doesn't suck but it makes your life suck.  Showers, clothes, sleeping, standing up, sitting down, everything hurts.  I'm healing well but it still hurts.





So there you have it.  The last few weeks of my life.  I'll check back in soon.  Thanks for the comments recently.  I really appreciate them.

I'm out

As a recent commenter noted, it's been a while since I've written anything. Saying "recent commenter" makes it seem like I get so many of them I have to catalog chronologically. In reality I get a few heart felt posts from a few hard-core readers on a regular basis. And for that, I'm very grateful (and humbled).



Honestly I just haven't had anything to say. There's work, and life, and more work, and it seems like blogging has taken a back seat to my daily routine. Even now as I type I can't really think of anything to say other than things are "going".



I could bore you with the minutia of divorce proceedings or the daily diagnosis but it doesn't make for good reading (or writing). All this is to say that maybe I'll take a sabbatical. Just a short one. I have a doctor's appointment next week that I'll be sure to update you on (6-month checkup, no biggie). But otherwise I might be off line for a few weeks.



I hope you understand. Once things settle down I'll try to get back with the craziness.

The mathmatics of hypochondria

My hypochondria has increased by approximately 100% in 2Q07. Last quarter I had approximately 0 episodes of being a spaz. This quarter I've had exactly 2 episodes. OK. Mathematically that's more than 100%. Its actually infinitely more. However, I can't find that key on my keyboard. You know, the one for the symbol that looks like an 8 tripped and fell down.



The second one occurred the other day. I got in my car after work and noticed something on my thumb nail that looked like a brownish stain. Like any normal human I immediately stuck my thumb in my mouth to clean it off (assuming it was chocolate). It tasted like blood. I thought "hmm, that's weird". I then began checking frantically for blood. Looking in the mirror I noticed that the gum (gums?) over one of my teeth was bleeding. Uh oh. I immediately go into differential diagnosis mode. For those of you unfamiliar with this process allow me to outline it:



Bleeding gums - spontaneous bleeding - immediate death



Now the "how I die" was irrelevant. Obviously since I had spontaneously bled I was having some sort of bleeding disorder caused by either cancer, high blood pressure, or the aspirin I took that morning (the baby aspirin I've taken for 4 years).



I freaked out for quite some time. It eventually stopped bleeding but I didn't stop thinking about it. Then it occurred to me. if it stopped bleeding its not a bleeding disorder. On closer inspection I can see where I had obviously used my thumb (remember the blood?) to pick something out of my teeth and caused it to bleed.



Of course, this means I have gingivitis. I'm sure if I looked this up it would lead straight to cancer.

Body damage

As you may have read before, I take a martial arts class. Its not a particularly nasty one but it has its occasional knocks and bumps. Usually I do OK with these. A bruise here, a finger in the eye there, etc. I've had occasion in the past to have an 'injury' that scared the bejesus out of me. Bejesus, by the way has always made me giggle a little. I don't know why. Its a funny word. But, I digress.



During a test (not mine) last night I attempted to kick a guy. He's a nice guy. Didn't deserve it. But, alas, in martial arts, that's what you do during tests. you beat up on kind undeserving people. He, however, decided he would also kick me at the same time (what did I do to him!?!?!!). This resulted in a collision of shins. Shortly thereafter I had what could only be described as a small dog under my skin on the surface of my shin. It swole (that's a word) to about the size of a mouse. The kind of mouse you use on your computer. Go ahead and set your mouse on your shin. Now, imagine that was under your skin.



Needless to say, I started to freak out. At certain points I went back and forth between the following:

• Ruptured artery
• Compartment Syndrome
• Broken shin bone (I'm sure there's a medical word for that)
• Blood clot traveling to my (insert body part here)

I started icing it right away and the swelling went down. It doesn't really hurt, per se, but I 'notice' that its there regularly. I keep having all these funny feelings in my leg like its going numb (which it isn't) to it tightening (which it doesn't). This has resulted in a couple panic stricken moments but, all in all, I'm dealing.



As I look at it now its fairly flat except that its dented. Yes dented. I have actually dented my body. I wonder if Maaco can fix that?

Saunas and Showers and Vitamins Oh My!

I've been taking this vitamin B called Niaspan now for about a year. You might recall I started taking this after my doctor got all nerdy on me with this cholesterol test. Apparently the stellar (my new favorite word) numbers I'd been putting up on my cholesterol test weren't good enough. It didn't matter that my total cholesterol was measured in decimals and my LDLs were now so low it was measured in molar units. You might also recall that this has some "interesting" side-effects. Namely wailing, the gnashing of teeth, and locust. But, I digress...



So last night I take my wonder drug, drink a glass of water and lay down. It feels like this pill (which is the size of a large frog) is stuck in my "stomach tube" about 3/4 of the way down. I assume at some point it will just go on. When I wake up in the morning I feel that its still there. This freaks me out on many levels. The primary one being that maybe I have stomach cancer and its a blockage. The second, what if this pill ate through my esophagus during the evening and I die of sepsis by lunch? Since I'm writing this, that didn't happen. I'll let you know about the cancer later.



After much ado about (supposedly) nothing I make my way to the gym and decide to sit in the sauna. The sauna has always freaked me out because of those warning signs about "Heart Conditions, Pregnancy, and High Blood Pressure" they always hang on the wall. Odds are I'm not pregnant but still...its frightening!



All of this leads to one shining moment in hypochondria. As I get in the sauna I start thinking that what if the pill just now went down and I have the hot flash. The hot flash causes my blood pressure to drop (as does the sauna) and I pass out in the sauna and die of heat stroke.



Ta daaaaa!!!!!! What can I say, it a gift.

But, I digress

Nothing much to discuss therefore, no posts. I'm afraid of becoming one of those rambling bloggers that, in order to have "new content" consistently posts random thoughts. Hmm, maybe its too late.

I came, I competed, I crashed

This weekend was 'interesting' to say the least. I had a weekend of bike races which I've been looking forward to for quite some time. I have new wheels and gears and whatnot and this was the first time I'd used them in an actual race. There were three events. Friday was a sprint, Saturday a "criterium" (which is like NASCAR on bikes), and Sunday a road race (think Tour de France). Here's how my weekend ended up.

• Friday. I spent 2 hours warming up for a 51 second ride in which I came in last place.
• Saturday. I ended up lining up at the back of the pack (my fault and a rookie mistake) and got dropped before the race even started. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to catch back up. I rode so hard I think my teeth were sweating. I finally gave up half way through to save up for the race on Sunday.
• Sunday. I'm in a category for novice racers because, frankly, I'm a novice racer. However, there are apparently different categories of novice. I'm a decent rider. I hold my line, don't slam on my brakes without warning, and am generally courteous (in the confines of a race, that is). Turns out, the others weren't. I ended up wrecking 10 miles into the race. Not permanent damage and nothing broken. My bike suffered the brunt of the assault and those new wheels and whatnot? Not so good.

Throw on top of that an interesting little sort of panic attack that came out of nowhere, riding 10 miles by yourself on a busted up bike with blood streaming down various parts of your body, and you've got a great weekend.



My 'happy pills' just went generic and this is the first batch. Maybe that had something to do with it. I just didn't feel...right...all weekend. Who knows. I wouldn't call it a setback but then again, I wasn't "my best self".

Alanis would be proud

I just had to post this here because I got such a chuckle. On my way in to the office this morning a 'gentleman' in an SUV was honking at an older guy in the car in front of him while he was trying to decide to go straight or right at a green light. The SUV the speeds around him on the right in a lane meant for parking cars, the dives back left and cuts the guy off only to be caught at the next light.



The best part is that there was a bumper sticker on his window that said:

God bless everyone.

No exceptions.

Oh, the irony...

Some of my best friends...

I usually leave political commentary to the...political commentators. But I can't pass this one up. I realize that I'm running the risk of being 'labeled' by even saying anything so I will attempt to choose my words wisely. Hopefully, I won't be suspended and fired for saying what I think.

Of course, I'm talking about Don Imus. Let me first say that I've never actually heard Don Imus talk. My only impression of him is from that Howard Stern movie where he was a complete ass. Apparently that was an accurate impression, but that's neither here nor there.

Don Imus called the Rutgers women "nappy-headed ho's". I have no idea of the context. I'm assuming it wasn't something like "Those nappy-headed ho's should be placed in chains and forced to work in cotton fields." Most likely it was in the context of "those nappy-headed ho's could shoot free-throws if their ass was on fire and the bucket of water was in the hoop."

I myself have said the following things about various professional and amateur athletes of all races and genders:

"You suck"
"I hate you"
"You bastards"
"You're a moron"

And at least 19 expletives, derogatory, and sometimes sexual remarks about their mothers, fathers, sisters, wives, and dogs.

Do I actually want to perform these acts? No. Do I really think they're morons or illegitimate children? No. OK, so we've decided that my intent wasn't to perform lewd acts on the relatives of the players.

So lets assume for a moment that Imus' intent was not to make racially disparaging remarks about black women in general and the Rutgers players in particular. Lets assume that he was doing his job, being a shock jock. Was what he said inconsiderate? Yes. Was it over the top? No. Was it out of character for his show? No. Was it out of character for any other show like his (hosted by a black or white person)? No.

OK, so, I've postulated that his intent wasn't to denigrate all blacks, and that his comments, while inconsiderate, were not beyond out of the norm for him or others in his genre of radio. So what's my point?

My point is that what he said was stupid, sure. He apologized. He's been on every national show and issue more Mea Culpas than a whore in church (pardon the phrase). Let it go. Move on.

The problem here is the media, which in my mind includes the Today shows, Al Sharpton, BET, talk radio, et. al. have whipped this into a national frenzy and created news where there was none. Its a case of casting the first stone. A cursory Google search for 'racist remarks' returns a brazillion (that's a number) of hits many of which include some of our favorite 'civil rights leaders':

"If the Jews want to get it on," he said, "tell them to pin their yarmulkes back and come over to my house." - Al Sharpton

'Hymies.' 'Hymietown.' -- Jesse Jackson's description of New York City while on the 1984 presidential campaign trail.

White folks were in caves while we were building empires.... We taught philosophy astrology, and mathematics before Socrates and those Greek homos.

So, there, I said it. Don Imus should not be fired. He should be embarrassed and humiliated (which he's said he is) and he should be reprimanded and sent home to think about what he did (and he has). And that should be that.

Saber-rattling aside this is a man being made an example. Maybe one needs to be made. But in either case that is all this is, a man being made an example by parties who feel then need to make an example of someone and have yet to find a candidate that will stick.

Don Imus is an old man at the twilight of his career. He's the weak one in the herd. He will suffer the same fate as Jimmy the Greek and Rush Limbaugh (in sports, that is). He will pay dearly for saying something, although stupid, in public that a certain, however small, portion of the public were offended by.

Sad thing is, that's what America's all about. Saying things people don't like. I'm all for it if the individuals themselves boycott the show and its advertisers. Kudos, then, to the American system of free will and capitalism. But what we're seeing is first rate Socialism. The idea that the few know what's best for the many and, if you don't believe them, just ask.

Whew. I said it. I will try not to do that again. For those of you who came here for the hypochondria stuff, my back was hurting last night and I spent 10 minutes ruling out an Aortic Aneurysm and Angina. So, enjoy!

Dave v1.1 Beta (Codename Psycho)

I seem to be a new person. Here is a list of things that, heretofore, freaked me out:

• Blood Pressure
• The doctor's office
• Airplanes
• Ants
• Being Alone
• Dying of a heart attack while:
• the shower
• the toilet
• my medication
• Scary movies with creepy kids

Lately, with the exception of the last one which, I have to say, should be made illegal, I've been flaunting the rest of the rules with abandon. I haven't checked my blood pressure since I left the house. I worry about being bitten by ants but only when I see them. I like being alone and I rarely freak out thinking I'll pass out from the hot water in the shower (the sauna and jacuzzi still get me).



Traveling has been fun. And, amazingly, I've been pushing the boundaries of not taking my meds on what seems like a regular basis. This is truly something new.



I will say that last night while I was picking up a prescription at the drug store that I had a little freak out moment when I almost sat down at one of those BP machines. I had to walk to the other side of the store and read the porn...er...men's magazines until my prescription was ready...



That is why I titled this post Dave v1.1 Beta instead of v2.0... I'm not a full release better just a more advanced version. Maybe I'll have bugs...or features, if you will, that I'll have to work through. Who knows. Either way, its a step in the right direction.

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Eh....

I haven't written anything in a while. Not certain why. I had an interesting conversation yesterday that had me doing some thinking. I was asked what I thought of marriage vows now. Here's my response:

"as a promise. one that might implicitly be broken forcing the other to 'explicitly' break it...i don't believe its some magical words that should never be undone no matter what. its not a magical incantation"

It seems like a cop-out when I read it again. Its like saying it was her fault I left. Its the 'devil made me do it' defense. I'm not a fan of that. That comment lead to this comment (I'm in blue):

I'm just wrestling with how easily people divorce these days...you know?

that's a misconception

it's like, why get married if there is even the option to divorce?

marriage is incredibly easy. buy a $10 license and find a JOP

divorce (at least here) takes at least a year, lawyers, crying, disappointment, arguments, disdain from friends and loved ones, and metric shit tons of guilt that will most likely last longer than the marriage has

Maybe for some people its easy to divorce. You see it all the time in the news. Somebody has a baby, gets married, then splits up 6 months later because...who knows why. I think for the common person divorce is extremely difficult and not a decision taken lightly. The only thing 'easy' about divorce, at least for me, is knowing that I made a choice to be happy.



Currently it seems like a zero-sum game, though. My happiness equals someone else's unhappiness.

I like to think that at some point that will change and we'll both be happy. I also like to think I'm 6'2" with blond hair and blue eyes...



Sorry for the incoherence of this post. Too much wine and not enough sleep will do that to you.

I suck

I haven't had much to say lately. Actually, that's a good thing in a way. Its almost like I'm just not worried about anything any more. I have no idea if this is related to my leaving the house or not. Technically "correlation does not equal causation" but, then again "if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck..."

I'm not certain what that last one means. I've always thought geese looked like ducks and they...well, you get the point. Anywho... Things are good for me right now. I'm having fun. I hesitate to say that because it sounds so immature to be concerned with "fun". My wife and her friends think I'm going through some sort of mid-life crisis because I like to "hang out with my friends and ride my bike". Maybe so. However, I still hold down a full-time job and take care of my son so its a pretty responsible regression if you ask me.

OK. So it turns out I had something to say... So sue me. Better do it quick though before "she" gets it all...

Check one two

I'm trying out a new publisher. Its an addon to Firefox called Performancing. We'll see if it works. I'll put up a real post in a bit.

I'm on vacation, bitches!

OK, I was not refering to the female readership in the post title. I prefer the non-pejorative term "ho" in that respect. Anyway.

I'm in sunny Florida. I say sunny because it is. I do not, however, say warm or calm. Its 67 degrees and windy as a session of Congress. It is however, Florida. Its gorgeous. I took a nice 2 hour bike ride yesterday that included everything from sunny "oh my god its hot" to rainy and "I think I saw a flying monkey" windy. All the while, I was content. Its funny. I'm riding in 30mph winds, rain so hard that I can barely see, and on 1 inch wide tires going 25mph and I'm completely content. Yet, if I stub my toe I start to panic thinking it might have dislodged a blood clot (I wish I could make this stuff up).

Anywho. I've gotten some great comments over the last few days and I just wanted to achkowledge them and say "warm and fuzzy" it makes me feel to know random strangers with whom I've never met seem to care more about me than my supposed loved ones. You guys rock!

P.S. Lacy, I hope you're doing better. May the power of Tylenol with Codeine be with you!

I offend an entire religion and a people

Commenter Angela says:

It felt like everything was in control at the time I made the choices so why does it feel so out of control now?

Preach it sister. I think its human nature to question major life decisions. Its like buyer's remorse. How many times have you bought that new super sweet 17" Apple MacBook Pro with the 2.33GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, 4G of RAM, 160G hard drive...uh where was I?

Oh yeah. How many times have you made a large purchase or decision and been impossibly excited about the whole situation only, some hours later, to feel like you just made the decision to not pay for your Grandma's operation? I'm big into buyers remorse. I get so much guilt after buying things, anything, that I should be Jewish. (That in know way was meant to be derogatory. Some of my best friends...you know the rest).

Anyway, after leaving the wife I had the same sort of problem. But I got over it. I'm still racked with guilt on occasion. I still see the hurt in my wife's eyes. See how she does everything she can to hurt me in repayment. See how my son knows something isn't right but doesn't have the words to express it or the comprehension to know it will all get better.

Life is a series of boring moments punctuated by life-altering earth-shattering moments. I guess that was the point of that previous post. We never know what our choices mean in the long run. We never know how things will really turn out.

Its a blessing and a curse. Imagine if we did know just how bad it was going to be. Nothing would ever get done. And, most likely, no one would ever be happy.

A sappy moment

I just have to say, my son is the coolest person on the planet. Except maybe George Clooney. But, I doubt seriously he does nearly as good a rendition of "Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" as my son... Of course, I might be bias.

Ummm

Nothing all that impressive happened today. At some point I had a really good idea for a post. But at some point between my third cup of decaf (yeah, I know, what's the point) and my third glass of wine, I forgot it.

Lets just pretend that this was that great idea.

Contracts 101

Lacy brought up some good points in my post that I thought I should clarify. I think I've mentioned before that I've questioned when it was 'OK' to break a promise. The short answer is, never. The long answer is, depends on who broke their promise first, how long it was broken, and what they did to try and fix it.

I have to constantly remind myself that it takes two to mess up a marriage (unless there's a third party, then it takes...ummm....two). I left. I broke the "until death do us part" portion of the vow. But what about the stuff before that? What about love, honor, and cherish? What about in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer?

Why is so much credence given to the length of the 'contract' and not the quality. I find it a very interesting analogy that in business contracts the agreement can be terminated at any time if any of the tenets are broken. So who violated our marital contract? Was it me for leaving? Her for not cherishing? Me for not sticking around "for worse"? Her for not realizing we were actually in the "for better" portion?

This isn't an excuse, just a line of thought. I'm not saying I believe it. But then again, I left, so maybe I do.

John Cusack is my hero

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for." Lawrence Block

Things sometimes work out differently than planned. This is an obvious statement, I know. But I don't think we realize sometimes how, for lack of a better word, serendipitous life is. Life seems to be a string of interrelated yet completely discrete events that somehow bring us to where we are. Let me give you an example.

- 20 years ago I started smoking
- 10 years ago I had my first anxiety attack which landed me in the E.R. based on the idea I had some form of cancer (from smoking).
- 7 Years ago I ended up in the E.R. again. This time, because I had thought I was having a heart attack. It turns out I had pneumonia.
- 6.99 Years ago I quit smoking.
- 5 yeears ago I decided to take up jogging to undo all the damage I had done smoking
- 3 years ago I gave up running for cycling.
- 2 years ago I go serious and started spending lots of time cycling. Apparently this was the straw that broke the camel's back in my relationship.
- 1 year ago my wife and I started "discussing" on a regular basis how I was neglecting her and my son to bike. Of course I disagree but that's off topic.
- 3 months ago I left my wife.
- Today I'm sitting on the back porch of my "friend's" house typing this.

So. Can I say that had I never smoked I'd have never met my 'friend'? I'd never have taken up cycling? Like I said. These are all discrete events. Thousands of which happen every day. I've never been a subscriber to pre-destination. I firmly believe in free will and the right to choose the ending to our own mysteries.

But somehow, I can't stop thinking that my whole life has been a series of choices that have led me to this point. If that's the case. How special of a moment is this that I'm right here, right now, at this very moment, typing on this keyboard?

I know. Its sappy. But in some way, I've always tried to live my life with the idea that every decision I make in some way changes my 'destiny'.

For all I know we're just an atom waiting to be smashed in some alien particle accelerator and our whole existence is meaningless. I like to think that's not the case. I like to think this is all going somewhere. Where, I have no clue. Maybe that will be the greatest serendipity of them all.


P.S. The title of this post is only slightly obscure but extremely random...