Pseudo physician, heal someone else

One of the benefits of being so 'sick' all the time is a deep knowledge of all the arcane diseases known to man. I've heard it before that the next best thing to a doctor is a hypochondriac. Who else but doctors spend all their time combing through respected medical texts (Google) looking for rare diseases and vague symptoms.

I'm not just talking about "bleeding from an orifice" type symptoms. We're talking "Is that a yellow spot on my tongue or a off white one?" can mean the difference between cholera and cancer.

At some point though, this went from a obsessive habit of searching for my own symptoms to the commenting on other's misfortunes. God help the person who, in passing, mentions they are on a new blood pressure drug for I will smite them with my encyclopedic knowledge of beta blockers. Or even worse, don't ask me to look at a bump on your arm because not only do I immediately think cancer but some rare form of cancer for which there is no cure and the death a slow and painful one.

So, my advice is this. If you want to be told you have cancer, ask me. If you want to be told what it really is, ask anyone else.

Peanut butter = death

So this is the conundrum of a head case like me. I'm worried about getting cancer or some sort of massive coronary at 31 and then I hear of a teenager dying from a bad case of peanut butter tongue. It makes me feel like an ass. Of course, it also makes want to ask my wife if she's had any peanut products lately...

Dammit Katie Kouric!

She swallows a camera pill on TV this morning and now I think I might have esophageal cancer... I swear I've seen more of this woman's insides than I would if I put on a helmet and a flashlight and went spelunking in her nether regions.

I get it. Take care of yer inards. Enough with the cameras in the orifices.

Last one today, I swear

Every time I start a new blog I think this is going to be the one that I actually update on a regular basis. Eh, who knows. I'm not trying to accomplish anything here other than vent to a nameless faceless population. Probably a population of one, but a population none the less.

In the event someone is reading this, I apologize in advance.

Another one?

I don't think the White Stripes could release albums more frequently if they just recorded themselves 24/7 and released each CD as a live concert...

White Stripes

This is a test

OK, this is the obligatory test post. So there!

Can't I just get a decent phone?

I mean come on Sprint. All I want is a phone that does SMS, a little email, and makes phone calls, with a useable keyboard. Oh, and I'd like it to not force me to mortgage my soul or be the size of a Mini Cooper. But I mean, other than that... I mean Verizon has all kinds of cool phones AND they got a guy that swings from a helicopter in there comercials. What do you have??? You have walkie-talkie phones and a new website that has such a hideous color of yellow it actually caused snow blindness in my right eye...

I mean, take some of that money you made in the 80s from all the pin dropping commercials and develop a decent phone or two.

This can't be good

I've started reading this site http://www.panicsurvivors.com Its a whole lot of people just like me who think that white spot on their tounge is cancer when, in fact, its yogurt. I don't know if this is a good idea. I mean, on the one hand its nice to know that I'm not the only one missing a screw, but then again, I'm reading about some really strange diseases that I haven't yet had...

Ok, so maybe there's this one thing.

I guess technically, there is something medically wrong... I do actually have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Both of which I take completely harmless and perfectly safe (according to my doctor) drugs for. In an interesting twist of irony, the one thing I do have, I don't believe I really have. My doctor tells me I have high blood presse and I don't believe him... At least, I don't believe I have it all the time, only when I see him... Is that some sort of reverse-hypochondria? hyperchondria?

Oh yeah...I'm a head case.

Here we go

I am a certified hypochondriac. And these are my stories... Actually, I'm not certified, because, as we hypos know, you don't bother going to see a doctor to get a diagnosis because they are all quacks and will just tell you you're a perfectly healthy 31 year old with no reason to worry (as long as you take this pill, and this pill, and exersize, and...).


So I guess, again, like a good hypo, I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac. On a regular basis I rotate through various vague symptoms which all result in one of three diagnoses. Those are:


- Heart Disease
- Anyeurism
- Cancer


When I finally rule out one thing, then I "get" the other. Then that one disapears, and low and behold, I "come down with" another. They're usually in the order listed about (which I find interesting). Maybe due to the order of severity or some other "logical" reason... Its a cute little damn problem...


Well, more about that later...