I suck

I haven't had much to say lately. Actually, that's a good thing in a way. Its almost like I'm just not worried about anything any more. I have no idea if this is related to my leaving the house or not. Technically "correlation does not equal causation" but, then again "if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck..."

I'm not certain what that last one means. I've always thought geese looked like ducks and they...well, you get the point. Anywho... Things are good for me right now. I'm having fun. I hesitate to say that because it sounds so immature to be concerned with "fun". My wife and her friends think I'm going through some sort of mid-life crisis because I like to "hang out with my friends and ride my bike". Maybe so. However, I still hold down a full-time job and take care of my son so its a pretty responsible regression if you ask me.

OK. So it turns out I had something to say... So sue me. Better do it quick though before "she" gets it all...

Check one two

I'm trying out a new publisher. Its an addon to Firefox called Performancing. We'll see if it works. I'll put up a real post in a bit.

I'm on vacation, bitches!

OK, I was not refering to the female readership in the post title. I prefer the non-pejorative term "ho" in that respect. Anyway.

I'm in sunny Florida. I say sunny because it is. I do not, however, say warm or calm. Its 67 degrees and windy as a session of Congress. It is however, Florida. Its gorgeous. I took a nice 2 hour bike ride yesterday that included everything from sunny "oh my god its hot" to rainy and "I think I saw a flying monkey" windy. All the while, I was content. Its funny. I'm riding in 30mph winds, rain so hard that I can barely see, and on 1 inch wide tires going 25mph and I'm completely content. Yet, if I stub my toe I start to panic thinking it might have dislodged a blood clot (I wish I could make this stuff up).

Anywho. I've gotten some great comments over the last few days and I just wanted to achkowledge them and say "warm and fuzzy" it makes me feel to know random strangers with whom I've never met seem to care more about me than my supposed loved ones. You guys rock!

P.S. Lacy, I hope you're doing better. May the power of Tylenol with Codeine be with you!

I offend an entire religion and a people

Commenter Angela says:

It felt like everything was in control at the time I made the choices so why does it feel so out of control now?

Preach it sister. I think its human nature to question major life decisions. Its like buyer's remorse. How many times have you bought that new super sweet 17" Apple MacBook Pro with the 2.33GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, 4G of RAM, 160G hard drive...uh where was I?

Oh yeah. How many times have you made a large purchase or decision and been impossibly excited about the whole situation only, some hours later, to feel like you just made the decision to not pay for your Grandma's operation? I'm big into buyers remorse. I get so much guilt after buying things, anything, that I should be Jewish. (That in know way was meant to be derogatory. Some of my best friends...you know the rest).

Anyway, after leaving the wife I had the same sort of problem. But I got over it. I'm still racked with guilt on occasion. I still see the hurt in my wife's eyes. See how she does everything she can to hurt me in repayment. See how my son knows something isn't right but doesn't have the words to express it or the comprehension to know it will all get better.

Life is a series of boring moments punctuated by life-altering earth-shattering moments. I guess that was the point of that previous post. We never know what our choices mean in the long run. We never know how things will really turn out.

Its a blessing and a curse. Imagine if we did know just how bad it was going to be. Nothing would ever get done. And, most likely, no one would ever be happy.

A sappy moment

I just have to say, my son is the coolest person on the planet. Except maybe George Clooney. But, I doubt seriously he does nearly as good a rendition of "Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" as my son... Of course, I might be bias.

Ummm

Nothing all that impressive happened today. At some point I had a really good idea for a post. But at some point between my third cup of decaf (yeah, I know, what's the point) and my third glass of wine, I forgot it.

Lets just pretend that this was that great idea.

Contracts 101

Lacy brought up some good points in my post that I thought I should clarify. I think I've mentioned before that I've questioned when it was 'OK' to break a promise. The short answer is, never. The long answer is, depends on who broke their promise first, how long it was broken, and what they did to try and fix it.

I have to constantly remind myself that it takes two to mess up a marriage (unless there's a third party, then it takes...ummm....two). I left. I broke the "until death do us part" portion of the vow. But what about the stuff before that? What about love, honor, and cherish? What about in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer?

Why is so much credence given to the length of the 'contract' and not the quality. I find it a very interesting analogy that in business contracts the agreement can be terminated at any time if any of the tenets are broken. So who violated our marital contract? Was it me for leaving? Her for not cherishing? Me for not sticking around "for worse"? Her for not realizing we were actually in the "for better" portion?

This isn't an excuse, just a line of thought. I'm not saying I believe it. But then again, I left, so maybe I do.

John Cusack is my hero

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for." Lawrence Block

Things sometimes work out differently than planned. This is an obvious statement, I know. But I don't think we realize sometimes how, for lack of a better word, serendipitous life is. Life seems to be a string of interrelated yet completely discrete events that somehow bring us to where we are. Let me give you an example.

- 20 years ago I started smoking
- 10 years ago I had my first anxiety attack which landed me in the E.R. based on the idea I had some form of cancer (from smoking).
- 7 Years ago I ended up in the E.R. again. This time, because I had thought I was having a heart attack. It turns out I had pneumonia.
- 6.99 Years ago I quit smoking.
- 5 yeears ago I decided to take up jogging to undo all the damage I had done smoking
- 3 years ago I gave up running for cycling.
- 2 years ago I go serious and started spending lots of time cycling. Apparently this was the straw that broke the camel's back in my relationship.
- 1 year ago my wife and I started "discussing" on a regular basis how I was neglecting her and my son to bike. Of course I disagree but that's off topic.
- 3 months ago I left my wife.
- Today I'm sitting on the back porch of my "friend's" house typing this.

So. Can I say that had I never smoked I'd have never met my 'friend'? I'd never have taken up cycling? Like I said. These are all discrete events. Thousands of which happen every day. I've never been a subscriber to pre-destination. I firmly believe in free will and the right to choose the ending to our own mysteries.

But somehow, I can't stop thinking that my whole life has been a series of choices that have led me to this point. If that's the case. How special of a moment is this that I'm right here, right now, at this very moment, typing on this keyboard?

I know. Its sappy. But in some way, I've always tried to live my life with the idea that every decision I make in some way changes my 'destiny'.

For all I know we're just an atom waiting to be smashed in some alien particle accelerator and our whole existence is meaningless. I like to think that's not the case. I like to think this is all going somewhere. Where, I have no clue. Maybe that will be the greatest serendipity of them all.


P.S. The title of this post is only slightly obscure but extremely random...

Divorce is a bitch

How does a person you've known half your life turn into an evil monster? Let me tell you how. You ask them for a divorce. I really don't have anything else to say but that. I might think of something after I go take out some aggressions on unwitting bystanders.

I wonder if Google Maps has directions to the nearest bell tower?

OK, this one really doesn't count

But that last one totally does because I thought it was funny. So I'm now one ahead. Woo Hooo!!!

This one doesn't count

Unless I'm one short for the week and then it does... I swear, every time I finish a post I hear the Doogie Houser theme song and picture that damn computer he always typed on. I always wondered what he did with those entries. He never saved them. He never went back. There was no formatting, no fonts, nothing. Seems like a pretty unorganized way for a child genius to keep memoirs.

You'd think he'd have a traper keeper or something...

I'm early

Figured I'd get in my post before I left for the day. I've joined a local gym so I can get Fergilicious. Or Davilicious. I don't know. I'm thinking I'd much prefer to look like Fergie than myself. Whoa. I think I just came out...

So this week I'm having to do evaluations for my employees. It sucks. I actually find it easier to tell people what they're doing wrong and how to fix it than I do to tell them what they're doing well and how to do it better. Maybe that's just male nature. We focus on the things that are broken and try to fix them. And if it ain't broke, hit it with a hammer until it is because it was going to fail on its own anyway. I think that's how the saying goes.

Anyway. Evaluations. My peeps are great. They do what I ask, when I ask, and put out great stuff. Can't ask for a better crew. So how do I improve it? And, since they're so great, how can I really go and comment on the, maybe, one negative thing about each of them. Is it really fair to give someone a 2 when everything else they do is a 4 (on a 1 to 5 scale)?

It also has me thinking that we should be reviewed in 'real life' from time to time. Those of us who are religious are expecting the 'big review in the sky' but that's not exactly what I'm thinking of. Nothing can humble a person more than to find out they're not so great at the things they think they are. And nothing can make a person's day more than finding out they're appreciated for something they were certain was being overlooked.

I could stand to do more of that in my relationships. I probably could have done that more in my marriage. I damn sure could have used a kind word now and again from "the Ex".

Its not midnight yet

I made it. I thought about just posting like one word. But I couldn't think of that word. It would be something random...like me.

"Rosebud"...too pretentious.
"Phlebitus"...too...phlegmy.
"Rice Krispies"...two words but mmmmm, so good.
"Disappointment"...to close to home.

No, instead, I'll just say that today, like any other day, was a decent day. Not memorable for much. In fact, it will most likely go down in the annals (ew) of my history as "one of those Mondays I don't remember". Which, is sad because its Wednesday.

7 posts in 7 days

Yeah, I said it. I said it. I stole your momma's credit... Well, actually, I stole her identity when she was shopping at the TJ Maxx for some of those knock-off UGG boots she saw on an episode of "Newlyweds" but didn't realize that that was from like 2003 and those were so far outa style they were almost back in...whew.

So, as I was saying. 7 posts in 7 days. I've been told I should post more. I'm sure I should but mostly I can't think of anything interesting. Here's something. My civil separation is turning into a nightmare. I'm not surprised at all by what my soon-to-be-ex has been doing. Its always been in her nature to be spiteful and somewhat self-centered. of course, I'm somewhat self-centered (but never spiteful)...(ok, almost never spiteful).

I expected that, as adults, we could be intelligent about the situation. I was also wrong. At least, I was wrong about her. I don't think she's doing these things out of conscious spite, but more out of lashing out in any way she can. It seems she thinks she can either hurt me or bring me back by making me miss my son and by being broke.

Its sad, really, because it shows the complete lack of understanding of what makes me tick that ultimately drove us apart. If she really knew me, she'd know that I only worked to make sure we never wanted for anything and to accomplish career goals. None of which were to make more money.

I obviously share some burden here. I left. I left quickly. This was all apparently a shock to her and she's still reeling from it. Maybe she'll realize how she's treating me and my son some day. Maybe she never will. Many of my friends have told me that I should play the same games. That I could take my son and just not return him one day. That I could empty a bank account and not pay her alimony to 'show her' what it was really like to be alone.

I'm not that guy. I can't be that guy. Every morning I have to look at myself in the mirror and think "damn, you are fine!". And then, once I flex both my biceps and kiss them, a la Randy Savage, I have to look into my own eyes and decide if I'm a positive or negative force in the world. I want to be positive.

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.

H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) 'Prejudices: Fourth Series,' 1924

The Amazing Dave

My "friend" and I seem to have a hard time understanding each other sometimes. Nothing major. Most of it I think is based on what we believe the other person is thinking or feeling, not what's actually being said.
For most of my marriage I spent all my time trying to stay out of trouble. I tried to bend over backwards to keep the peace so that I wouldn't have to catch any crap. This was based more on what I 'knew' she was thinking than what she said outwardly.

Eventually, this got tiresome. I no longer have the ability to deal with that sort of thing. I've found myself, on occasion, getting very frustrated with this 'friend' because it seems like I'm always having to defend my emotions. She's constantly asking if I'm OK, or if something's wrong, or if she's offended me in some way. In and of itself, that's not a bad thing. I think she's genuinely concerned about my well-being. That's nice.

But at some point I think we all want to be understood. To have someone just 'know' how you're feeling without having to ask. Its obvious that we've only been together a very short time so we'd have no way of reading each other's mind. In fact, I spent the last 15 years reading a mind and, today, I understand it less than I did when we started.

This time around I'm trying to be direct. I'm trying to make my feelings obvious. I'm tired of waiting for someone to read my mind. Even worse, I'm tired of someone reading my mind and being wrong.

Speaking of mind reading, I know you're all thinking "where the hell is this going". Unfortunately, the answer is "nowhere".

P.S. If you write to me and send a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you back the 2 minutes of your life it took to read the above post.

Empa...Impa...I know what you're feeling.

I've had a somewhat interesting development today. I have this 'friend' (and no, its not me) who seems to have a litany of problems when she exercises. Her heart rate goes way up or sometimes she gets a headache. Today she felt light-headed and like "her blood sugar was low" and at some point had a nose-bleed.

I am freaking out.

I say this is 'interesting' because usually I'm OK with other people being sick. I feel bad for them but I'm not overly concerned. Her, though, I started 'diagnosing' and doing symptom-searches on Google. All the things I thought I had kicked for myself. I finally talked her into going to see her doctor.

Part of me was a little upset that she took her obviously impending doom so lightly. Why can't I be like that? Do I even want to be like that? I don't think so. Maybe it was just general concern for her well-being. We are 'friends' after all. We'll see how I do if it comes back that she 'has something'.

My new career

I had something to post but I forgot what it was... Must be my Alzheimer's flaring up. In between my 'bouts' of cancer, my 'episodes' of aneurysms, and my 'run ins' with strokes, its hard to find time for such a long-term disease like Alzheimer's. I mean, its so slowly progressive that I almost forget that I 'have it'.

I need to write some sort of tracking program for Hypochondriacs. SickMaster? Hyp-o-matic? DiseaseTracker 2.0? That way we could document our various ailments, set reminders to make sure we check our pulse to see if we're alive, collect bookmarks for the best medical sites, create photo albums of the 'spots' we swear are cancer but are really just chocolate, etc.

I think I know a website I could market it on...

Nothing to see here

I looked. Its all good. Crisis averted. As you were.

Hooooot

One of my co-workers just walked by my desk and said "Why is your neck so red?". I'm not itching like crazy and fighting the urge to go look in the mirror...if only I could see the back of my neck. Man, owls are so lucky. They don't have to ask anyone to check that mole on their back or tell them if their butt looks big...

I've had a cold lately, nothing life-threatening but, when you're a hypochondriac, everything is really life-threatening. I was staying with a friend last night and decided that in order to sleep I should take some drugs.

My friend, having two children, had quite an array of medicines. There were many different kinds of non-drowsy this, and cold&flu that and all manners of flavored drugs. The problem is that almost all of them had some sort of warning about 'consulting a doctor before use' if you had any one of a number of maladies. A short list being:

- Hypertension
- Heart Disease
- Glaucoma
- Malabsorbtion
- Halitosis
- A case of the willies
- "The Vapors"

Somehow in my mind these meant "If you take this drug you may or may not die. Good Luck!". I'm sure that wasn't what the writer intended but, that's what I got. After about 20 minutes of staring at them I got so tired I decided I could fall asleep and didn't need to take anything. I slept well all night...go figure.